I think blogging after therapy is akin to drunk dialing...but i'm doing it anyway because, well, I am.
"How long do you need to blame yourself?"
"The rest of my life."
...
Yeah, that was therapy today.
Obviously not much movement on that subject.
Don't know what more I want to say about that. Just thinking (typing) aloud. Wondering why I have to blame myself...why I have to carry shame...why I'm so stuck.
Annnnnd...I still have no answers; no insights.
I wonder if admitting to shame, helps break shame up???
We'll see.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Freezing...
It's been the subject heading on my therapy sessions for some time now. Freezing and the...shame i feel for continuously reverting to freezing when things get intense. Or, even when they're not so intense.
I'm trying to wrap my head around self-forgiveness for this pattern. Figuring out how to forgive myself for what has happened in the past, but the Truth I realized today is that it is forgiving myself in the present, not the distant past; forgiving myself in the moment that I need to work on...mostly. How can I forgive myself for the past when I can't forgive myself in the present?
I know that in the past I had no other choice. I know that through no fault of my own when I was younger that I had choice taken away from me, and that freezing was all that was left...that there was no running away, or fighting...and that there is nothing to forgive myself for. I was not wrong. I get that in my head...not sure how much I get that in my heart.
And still, I continue patterns of self blame, and self hatred today for minor mistakes...for things most people wouldn't even think twice about. And I do it because that was the habit I was taught when I was a child. Now that I recognize that habit, it is my responsibility to break that habit. To do things different. To honor my successes, to honor that which is good about me, and good in my life. To "not sweat the small stuff."
Sounds easy. Lets see if it is.
I'm trying to wrap my head around self-forgiveness for this pattern. Figuring out how to forgive myself for what has happened in the past, but the Truth I realized today is that it is forgiving myself in the present, not the distant past; forgiving myself in the moment that I need to work on...mostly. How can I forgive myself for the past when I can't forgive myself in the present?
I know that in the past I had no other choice. I know that through no fault of my own when I was younger that I had choice taken away from me, and that freezing was all that was left...that there was no running away, or fighting...and that there is nothing to forgive myself for. I was not wrong. I get that in my head...not sure how much I get that in my heart.
And still, I continue patterns of self blame, and self hatred today for minor mistakes...for things most people wouldn't even think twice about. And I do it because that was the habit I was taught when I was a child. Now that I recognize that habit, it is my responsibility to break that habit. To do things different. To honor my successes, to honor that which is good about me, and good in my life. To "not sweat the small stuff."
Sounds easy. Lets see if it is.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
rattle, rattle, rattle
Here I am, blogging instead of going to bed/sleep early as I had planned. Oopsie. But perhaps I'll sleep a bit better if there are fewer things rattling around in my head.
Food recovery is going better. I've been off of wheat and sugar for...well, I haven't been keeping track...a couple weeks now I think. And I'm past the obsessing about my food-drugs, although while out shopping today it was very slippery around the cookie and candy aisles! But I made it out safely. I've also lost most of the weight I gained during wheat/dairy/sugar fest in Phoenix, which helps me feel better physically, as well as feel better about myself.
I do continue to struggle with anxiety. I have some ok days, I have some good days, and I have some really awful days. I've been trying different medications over the last month or so, and it's been not so fun. I tried to start a new one last week in hopes that the side effects would be minimal, but I was so doped up I couldn't function the one day I took it, so I stopped...because I don't have the luxury of stopping my life right now. I'm juggling 3 part time jobs, I just started a very intense class, and I'm getting back to the gym AND training for the Phoenix games. There has to be a better way than being doped up, even if doped up means that I don't have to worry about the random bursts of adrenaline that freeze me in place and keep me from completing "simple, day-to-day tasks."
Maybe down the line I can try this stuff again...when I have fewer obligations...fewer things to lose. But right now I can't do it. And maybe the fact that medication no longer seems like the only option means that I'm coping better than I was a few weeks ago. I certainly hope so.
So, I'll continue to work on staying on the food wagon, and getting my butt to the gym. I need more discipline with time management, because I do get overwhelmed, and when I get overwhelmed I freeze. And freezing sucks.
Perhaps more on that next time, but for now, I need to sleep...
Food recovery is going better. I've been off of wheat and sugar for...well, I haven't been keeping track...a couple weeks now I think. And I'm past the obsessing about my food-drugs, although while out shopping today it was very slippery around the cookie and candy aisles! But I made it out safely. I've also lost most of the weight I gained during wheat/dairy/sugar fest in Phoenix, which helps me feel better physically, as well as feel better about myself.
I do continue to struggle with anxiety. I have some ok days, I have some good days, and I have some really awful days. I've been trying different medications over the last month or so, and it's been not so fun. I tried to start a new one last week in hopes that the side effects would be minimal, but I was so doped up I couldn't function the one day I took it, so I stopped...because I don't have the luxury of stopping my life right now. I'm juggling 3 part time jobs, I just started a very intense class, and I'm getting back to the gym AND training for the Phoenix games. There has to be a better way than being doped up, even if doped up means that I don't have to worry about the random bursts of adrenaline that freeze me in place and keep me from completing "simple, day-to-day tasks."
Maybe down the line I can try this stuff again...when I have fewer obligations...fewer things to lose. But right now I can't do it. And maybe the fact that medication no longer seems like the only option means that I'm coping better than I was a few weeks ago. I certainly hope so.
So, I'll continue to work on staying on the food wagon, and getting my butt to the gym. I need more discipline with time management, because I do get overwhelmed, and when I get overwhelmed I freeze. And freezing sucks.
Perhaps more on that next time, but for now, I need to sleep...
Monday, January 6, 2014
The Things I Don't Talk About
Continuing on the subject of "recovery"...since my last post I've some-what gotten back on the food-recovery wagon. I'm eating primarily paleo again. I'm still craving bread/cookies/cakes here and there, but not obsessing as I was. I know there are shadowy places I cannot go right now or I will surely have a slip. But I'm not secretly ordering pizza, or sneaking to the Coop for a bag of cookies whilst my wife is away.
As the insanity of my food-fixing starts to ease, I am more aware of the emotional stuff that I've been trying to stuff. Anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I wake in the middle of the night feeling lost, feeling scared, and most strongly; feeling a sense of impending doom. I know from experience, both personal and as a professional that this is PTSD raising its ugly head, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Admittedly, it is better than it used to be; there isn't quite as much of the "generalized" fears, and anxieties, but it is still hard as hell to function like a normal person throughout the day. And as I think about it, it is the daily work of pretending like everything is ok...putting on the front that all is right with the world, that is what has exhausted me to the point that I can't deal as well as I once did.
I continue to go to therapy. I continue to engage in personal enrichment. And I continue to put one foot in front of another...but it's hard. For the last year I've found myself stumbling more often...and sometimes I can't even get up to trudge the road.
But I haven't given up yet. Oh, sure, there have been days in the past where I have given up for a brief spot, but I get back up.
I also know that something has to give...maybe a little food "recovery" will give me that "give", or maybe it'll have to be finding the right anxiety med, or finding the magic bullet to relieve some of the chronic physical pain, or some great psychological insight...I don't know...I just hope it comes soon because I'm running out of the immense energy it takes just to "deal" day-to-day.
In the mean time, I will continue to work on being positive, and I will continue to do silly stuff to make myself and others laugh, and I will continue to remain open to the beauty of the world when it shows itself to me.
Which brings up another thought...of late I've noticed that I get a little misty-eyed any time I see a Gesture of Humanity, no matter how small. I thought it was just hormones, but as I write, I realize that it is those little gems of beauty that keep me going. So my wish for the world is that today is that it is full of Gestures of Humanity...one never knows when a simple act of kindness will be a life-line to another.
As the insanity of my food-fixing starts to ease, I am more aware of the emotional stuff that I've been trying to stuff. Anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I wake in the middle of the night feeling lost, feeling scared, and most strongly; feeling a sense of impending doom. I know from experience, both personal and as a professional that this is PTSD raising its ugly head, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Admittedly, it is better than it used to be; there isn't quite as much of the "generalized" fears, and anxieties, but it is still hard as hell to function like a normal person throughout the day. And as I think about it, it is the daily work of pretending like everything is ok...putting on the front that all is right with the world, that is what has exhausted me to the point that I can't deal as well as I once did.
I continue to go to therapy. I continue to engage in personal enrichment. And I continue to put one foot in front of another...but it's hard. For the last year I've found myself stumbling more often...and sometimes I can't even get up to trudge the road.
But I haven't given up yet. Oh, sure, there have been days in the past where I have given up for a brief spot, but I get back up.
I also know that something has to give...maybe a little food "recovery" will give me that "give", or maybe it'll have to be finding the right anxiety med, or finding the magic bullet to relieve some of the chronic physical pain, or some great psychological insight...I don't know...I just hope it comes soon because I'm running out of the immense energy it takes just to "deal" day-to-day.
In the mean time, I will continue to work on being positive, and I will continue to do silly stuff to make myself and others laugh, and I will continue to remain open to the beauty of the world when it shows itself to me.
Which brings up another thought...of late I've noticed that I get a little misty-eyed any time I see a Gesture of Humanity, no matter how small. I thought it was just hormones, but as I write, I realize that it is those little gems of beauty that keep me going. So my wish for the world is that today is that it is full of Gestures of Humanity...one never knows when a simple act of kindness will be a life-line to another.
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