What would I do if I wasn't Afraid?

I'm listening to an interview w/ Queen Oprah, and she was talking about asking herself when the fear came up about running her own network. It is a question that I am not unfamiliar with, but one I don't sit down and really think about often enough. As much as I hate to admit it, even today many of my decisions are based on attempting to avoid fear-and the reality is that I don't, and more importantly, the more I avoid fear, the bigger FEAR gets.

So what would I do if I wasn't afraid? I've been sitting with the question for several minutes, and a couple of themes continually surface; quit my job, go back to school, start a shamanic healing practice. The former and the latter go hand-in-hand, but reality keeps coming into play; I need to be able to pay off my students loans, and I kinda need health insurance-neither of which would be happening for a while if I quit my job. And I've had my own business in the 'healing world,' and yes one can live on one's income being self-employed, but it takes time to get there, and I don't know if I can 'afford' that time.

And then there's going back to school. The follow up question is always "and study what?" Certainly, I have several ideas, but none of them really feel like The One. The top two would be Shamanic Studies, which there is no degree in, or Ancient Egyptian Religion which would require a move to Chicago-which i wouldn't mind, but my wife isn't quite so keen on. The second question of course being "what do I do with said degree?" And truth be told, I would love to teach, ahhhh but here comes fear again, squawking in my ear! "You'll never get a job in this economy, unless you want to move to some shit-hole." (sigh) And more student loans! The student loans that I already carry make me feel like I have a giant, leaking wound in my side. Education shouldn't be this painful, should it? And here I am in a job that feels like work, rather than passion-and it takes so much of my energy that I don't have enough time to pursue my passions when I'm away from work. (Let that be a lesson to you kids-make sure your work WILL be your passion...If I would have thought about it in those terms when I was deciding what to do next, I don't think this is the path I would have chosen. Granted, this path has taught me a lot about myself, and ultimately, my training will aide me in whatever I do, but that gaping wound of student loan debt keeps getting in the way of my positive outlook.)

So what will I do? I will look fear in the face and spit in its eye and I will take that Shamanic workshop this summer, even though the cost of it makes my guts quiver. I will continue with my personal practices, even though doing things I enjoy feels overwhelming, and I will offer my services to friends until I have the same confidence in my skills that I did when I was a massage therapist. I miss that confidence-I haven't had that feeling in way too long. To feel competent-that is what I miss most about my work as a massage therapist (tangent, yes. deal with it.) It took me a very long time to recover from the grief of having to quit massage, and this is the first time I think I've really understood fully why that was. And also why the other things I have done with my life have felt so...unfulfilling. (Actually let me amend that-when I was teaching motorcycle safety I had a similar feeling of confidence, however due to personality issues I often felt diminished in that confidence. But that is another tangent for another day.) I need to feel competent and confident in what I do. Can I do that with what I do now? I don't know. Maybe someday...but I don't know that I WANT to feel confident in the work I'm doing now...because I don't enjoy it. Psychoanalyze that!