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Well, there has been a slight delay in my clinical trial (2 Tylenol instead of 3) as it seems that I'm not quite cleared for vacuuming yet. Oopsie. When I made my last posting, I was kinda thinking that maybe if Chuck brought out the super-light hammer, I might be able to swing it around a bit to test range of motion. That so isn't happening this weekend. But that is not to say that I'm not continuing to make progress. Almost every day there is a little thing I notice I can do that I haven't been able to do since before surgery-things like using a screw-driver, reaching for things, fake-punching people (that one I've missed the most). 

The PT said that the PHX games weren't out of the picture, but I'm still not up to strength training, so I have to be content with the little victories for now. But, I gotta tell ya, I miss feeling strong. I miss being able to carry boxes, heavy bags of groceries...lift more than a 5lb weight...and just FEEL strong. I miss putting on certain shirts that were once snug around the shoulders and arms because of my muscle mass, and are now loose, flaccid.

I'll be honest; I feel myself slipping toward that slippery edge of despair again. My body is achey, my body is weak, my body won't/can't do what I want it to do. Here we are at that nasty place of loss of control...of helplessness, which so easily, for me, turns into helplessness. I don't like that about myself, but at least for now, it is a truth that I have to admit about myself. I discourage easily, I feel helpless easily, I get overwhelmed easily...and having finished up a week of dealing with other peoples' endless crises, I'm not feeling like I have a whole lot left to give to myself. Right now I can't turn to throwing shit for rejuvenation, but I can turn to chocolate, but I can tell you that that isn't do much to help my physical fitness.

So, here we are at the end, time for my big finish where I find the silver lining, or process what I need to and find the answer that was circling the drain. And I don't have it just yet. Maybe the answer is just learning to Be in the moment. Learning to appreciate what I have in the moment. Yeah, mmmm, whatever. Nice thoughts, but I just ain't there right now. Remember when "ain't" wasn't a word. Back in the good old days when times were bad. Gotta love Dolly. Maybe that is my silver lining-things aren't nearly as f'ed up as they were 20 years ago. I have a loving wife, a HOME, great friends, a community of friends, HEALTH INSURANCE, I'm not sitting under a table half drunk with a gun to my head,  and I'm 1500 miles from my mother. See, things aren't so bad.