breaking cycles

(This is a post from 2 years ago that I never published...I'm being brave and doing it now)

I have someone in my life who very dearly clings to her identity as a victim. Pain is so deeply ingrained into her identity, that she can't envision herself without it. I've seen her make decisions over the years, even when she has been presented with the tools and opportunities to make more 'positive' decisions, that perpetuated her further pain and victimization.

As a child she was abused, she was in foster care, she never had a chance to learn the skills of living. Yes, she could cook, clean, hold a job (from a very young age). But she never learned about self esteem, valuing herself, setting boundaries. She continued to perpetuate the cycle of abuse she had grown up in through her choice in men. And this is the gift she passed on to her children. The gift of pain.

I know all of her children to some degree. Some I have a relationship with, some I don't. But it wasn't until recently that I made the connection between all of their...personality quirks, and their childhood experiences. And some of them have tried to break the cycle, and some don't even realize that they are in a cycle, or that there is anything wrong in their little world of chaos.

Today I went to a friend's graduation from IMPACT. It was intense watching some of the class struggle to find their voice, or stay in the moment, or stand their ground...to get out of the "freeze" cycle. And it was powerful to see all of these people cheered on and supported by their classmates as they bravely faced their fears in front of a room full of onlookers. All of these people decided that they were going to break a cycle. And that is pretty awesome.

I look at my own life...and I knew from a very early age that I needed to do things different from my parents. Yet, not everyone in the same situation sees that there is a problem and it needs to be changed. What is the difference? Why do some of us see that alcoholism and violence is a problem, and some just see all of that as normal? And why do some of us make the choice to break those patterns, and others willfully continue those patterns? I'm not saying change is hard even when you recognize it needs to be made, because it is not. It is hard AF, yet people do it every day all over the world. Some have a vast array of physical, mental, and emotional resources while others have none.

Be brave, be bold. Be terrified and brave. Be unsure and be brave. Be brave and unsure. Just keep breaking those patterns that don't serve you. Break those patterns so the next generation doesn't have to.