The (sorta)Benediction of Self Forgiveness

For the last 2 months I've been re-visiting an old trauma (and a few of its little trauma-tendrils), and and on good days, processing the traumas. Each layer of recognizing, naming, and processing comes with a tug of war of: On one hand relief (Maybe, I'm still muddling through exactly what it is) that i can stop blaming myself, and on the other hand diving deeper into blaming myself because blame is sometimes easier to accept than is admitting how powerless I was. A big part of the healing process has been surrender...Surrendering to the fact that I have been "guilty" of being powerless, and definitely of feeling powerless. Surrendering to releasing self-blame (because, again, I can keep some sense of power when I blame myself). And surrendering to admitting how deeply some of these things have affected me.

As I was writing this evening (for my own reference, nothing for publishing) I stumbled onto a completely different trail: self-forgiveness. It wasn't on my radar, but it was where my words took me. Personally, I'm a firm believer that forgiveness for those who have hurt us isn't a necessary piece of healing; some people may find it is a part of their healing journey, but it is not a universal requirement for healing (I say this both as a person on a healing journey, and as a licensed professional). With that being said, I will absolutely die on the hill that self-forgiveness as a necessary piece of healing the wounds dealt us by others.

As the self-forgiveness gad fly was buzzing around in my head I thought of the post by Nadia Bolz-Weber I'd read a few days ago; specifically her Beatitude Benediction (https://nadiabolzweber.substack.com/p/blessed-are-the-agnostics?fbclid=IwAR39cswCagS9OEfVdPkYrYdZEuIISkTlx9kcAxwxVw4TiDS76mrb732Zft4). Quick disclaimer: I'm not a Christian, quite the contrary I'm a big ol inclusive Heathen, nor am I endorsing her, but I do dig a lot of things Nadia has had to say. Anyway, even I as a non-Christian took some solace from her Benediction. So I tried to work out a benediction or sorts around forgiveness that would be useful to, and to others who might also struggle with self-forgiveness, or perhaps haven't even thought of such a thing as part of their healing.  So here is my own "(sorta) Benediction" so without further ado, here is Cowgirl71's Self-Forgiveness Benediction (I am a card-carrying Clergy, so soak in the holiness of this shit, my brethren. Read it aloud, and see where your own voice wavers, or what "benedictions" not listed find it to your heart; and of course feel free to share what I have missed).


Self Forgiveness Benediction

I forgive myself for being powerless.
I forgive myself for thinking I was powerless when I was not.

I forgive myself for giving up.
I forgive myself for not having enough resources.

I forgive myself for losing my voice.
I forgive myself for freezing.

I forgive myself for not healing sooner/quicker/better.
I forgive myself for back slides in my healing journey.

I forgive myself for poor decisions.
I forgive myself for putting myself in harms way because I no longer valued myself.

I forgive myself  for the times I've failed
I forgive myself for thinking I was a failure.

I forgive myself for not trusting.
I forgive myself for trusting the wrong people.

I forgive myself for being paralyzed by fear and trauma.
I forgive myself for being traumatized by things that would not traumatize others.

I forgive myself  for having PTSD.
I forgive  myself for the days I am crippled by depression.

I forgive myself for thinking it wasn't "bad enough."
I forgive myself for blaming myself.

I forgive myself for my mistakes.
I forgive myself for the blind spots. 

I forgive myself for thinking it was my fault.
I forgive myself for taking on the blaming myself.

I forgive myself for how hard I've been on myself.
I forgive myself for being stuck. 

I forgive myself for hating myself.
I forgive myself for the burning coals of rage I stoke within me.

And finally, I forgive myself for not forgiving myself sooner.


May we all blessed on our healing journeys.

Although we may feel alone we are not. There are those who have come before us, who walk beside us; whether we see them or not, and those who will follow behind us. We will stumble, we will fall, and we will pick ourselves up and continue clearing the path for others.