I remember the first time I heard the word "rape". It was on the nightly news and I asked my mom what it meant. She stiffened up, and told me through tight lips "it's when a man beats a woman really bad and kills her or nearly kills her." I didn't understand why mom had gotten upset with me for asking what that word meant, but her reaction told me that I'd done something wrong by asking. I don't remember when I learned the actual definition of rape, but the original definition stayed with me. FYI: Webster's current definition:
1: unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person's will or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception— compare SEXUAL ASSAULT, STATUTORY RAPE
When I was in junior high my best friend started getting "romance" novels out of the library, and she would read the "sex" scenes (you'll see why i'm using "" in a second. They all read the same, "X, the young beautiful virgin resisted Y's aggressive, manly advances. He covered her protests with his wet, rugged mouth. Then he thrust his manhood into her, she cried out in pain. And as he plowed her furrows she submitted to his plow, and hungered for his seed. (And magically fell in love with him, even though he forced himself on her {ie: raped her})." How many people have read this trash and think this is what normal sex is? No consent, just a man forcing his magical penis into the protesting virgin, who then is transformed into a WOMAN, a woman in love and obsessed with her rapists penis.
Now lets dollop that on top of the messages like, "good girls don't want sex", "no means yes", "sexually active men are 'studs' and sexually active women are 'sluts'. No wonder we're all so fucked when it comes to sex, consent, and rape. If someone is date raped, or the victim of statutory rape and has read a romance novel she's bound to think that is "normal" sex, even though she walks away from that experience feeling as though she has been violated.
Why as women do we beat ourselves up with accusations of not fighting hard enough? Why do we blame ourselves for not stopping it? Well take a look at social media...any rape case discussed is done through through the lens of the male...well she shouldn't have done xyz. Yet we never hear how the male should have done xyz. We were touched as a nation (as a world) when we read Chanel Miller's Victim Impact Statement, and enraged when we found out about the slap on the wrist that Brock Turner received, and yet what has been the long term change? We see women of color in prison for killing their perpetrators when they have been child-victims of sex trafficking. Again and again we see judges bemoan the uncertain futures of rapists if they are given to harsh a sentence, but when do we ask about the life-long consequences to the survivors of these vile people (and lets include in the vile people not only the perps, but the police who dismiss/minimize/accuse victims of "getting confused, the judges who hand out light sentences, the rape apologists, the law makers who refuse to focus on the lives of the victims rather than the lives of the perps)? (Here is Chanel reading the statement in full: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qK28Powy4ZQ "If you are are confused about consent...it a girl is so drunk she falls down, don't mount her...".
Our entire system needs to change, not just the legal system, but the system of how we teach children and teens about consent (just consent, not even sexual consent), and as children reach the age where they will start engaging in sexual activity teach all genders and orientations about consent in the context of sex. And in these conversations we have to recognize the influence of privilege and power. We recognize this when a 40 year old has sex with a 12 year old, mainly because there is a law that says you can't do it (and yet there will be plenty who say, well, she is so mature, she looks 18 etc)...but it's not just about age, it's about the privilege and power of social class, race, and gender. It's also about teaching youngsters, especially women about personal autonomy (I think folks are catching on that you shouldn't make your kid hug and kiss uncle Bill if they are uncomfortable doing so). And lets think a little more on the fact that girls are raised to be nice; we aren't aloud to disappoint anyone, are cause conflict, and saying "no" is not the way a "nice" girl operates, right? A girl who sets boundaries is being rude, and boy who sets boundaries is confident...what???
Let's teach girls that they can be respectful of other people AND have boundaries. Let's teach boys delayed gratification, and respect of other people's boundaries. Let's do that by setting examples through our own behavior. Let's do it through calling out rape apologists. Let's do it through attending training on consent, and encouraging our HR offices to offer these trainings. Let's learn to ask for a consent in a way that asks what the other person wants instead of what we want, ie: instead of asking if I can hug you, asking if you want a hug. And let's learn to talk about consent, and difficulty, painful, and ugly as it may be. Let's make consent a comfortable topic by talking about it, and normalizing it.
For more on long-term impact of sexual assault, and the hell dealing with the legal system as a survivor of sexual assault.
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