Getting over it

Part of my motivation for starting a blog was to have a place to put all, well, some of the thoughts that rattle through my head. More specifically, I have all of the short clips stored in my head of friends and lovers angrily confronting me for not talking enough, and I wanted to do something about it. For those who have confronted me, this may not be the solution they were thinking of, but it works for me, so what the hell.

In my defense, some of these people who have complained about my non-verbosiveness, are in my mind people who don't shut up long enough for me to actually gather my thoughts to speak what it is I might be musing about. And in some cases I might be in the presence of someone who I find to be extremely judgemental, or they might be the type of person who seems to always find a way to turn what I am saying into something negative. In those cases, I don't feel safe enough to speak my truth, and I see no reason for me to apologize for that.

Now, there are admittedly instances (many, as a matter of fact) that I have just not opened my mouth, and there are no excuses, just my own fear of "sharing"...of being vulnerable. So what better place to practice saying whatever the hell I want, than an impersonal blog? So here I am, spilling my guts to a select few individuals who may or may not swing on by to see what it is I might have to ramble on about today. Anyway, I figure it is good practice for the 'real' thing.

I don't know if any of the folks who I interact with have noticed, but over the last 6 months I actually have started to speak my mind, even tell stories un-prompted. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation in which I feeling particularly chatty (and wondering if I might actually be talking too much) I wonder if the person I am talking to realizes that they are now talking to someone who is actually having a conversation with them. I often laugh aloud when this thought pops up, and I hope they don't think I've lost it because I'm laughing for no apparent reason. But then I get over it.