3 dreams

So I've been having these dreams the first two of which are about old friends. One was of my friend Glo, affectionately known as my wife. (we were never actually married, we were just both single so long and loved each other so we decided that we should be one another's wives) For around a year we haven't been able to make contact and it has been rather sad, but the other night I dreamed that we got together, and it was a lovely dream because I could feel that old love, and immense joy at seeing her again. I hope the dream echoes a future re-connection.

I also dreamed of my old friend Charlene from childhood. We were the outcasts with our peers basically until graduation. After we graduated we kinda went our separate ways, but stayed in touch. She got married and had kids while I got sober and came out, and we had less and less in common. But we still remained in contact, a card or email here and there. Then her brother died and I never heard from her again in spite of the multiple emails I sent checking up on her. In the dream, we were at her parents house, and I don't remember the circumstances, but we were both getting ready for school, and there was something very stressful about the feel of the dream and the dream itself was very dark. Mayhaps it was a metaphor for our relationship, or any other of the old relationships I long for that wouldn't serve me any longer. Or maybe not. Having just completed my autobiography for class, I can tell you that looking back at the events of my childhood, they made me who I am today, and I don't dwell on them anymore. They will always be a part of me, and there will be moments that "issues" will raise their ugly little heads, but for the most part, I live in the present, and I am quite content to do so. I don't know what has happened to Char in that last few years since we've talked, but the old friend I knew was stuck in the past. Every interaction we had still went back to the assholes who had mistreated her in high school. Yes it was painful, but it seemed to completely blur her current life. I wish her healing and closure.

Finally, I dreamed that I had relapsed. I have actually been having re-curring relapse dreams of late. Usually I forget the dream until the next day when I am going about my business, then I get this god awful knot in my gut, then I remember the 'relapse', then I shake myself and remember that it was just a dream. The dreams themselves usually follow a pattern as well; I take a drink of something, then I suddenly remember that I am sober, I get a god-awful knot in my gut, then I say "Frak it! I've already blown it" and I drink some more, but never manage to actually get drunk. During the next day's remembering of the relapse (before fully remembering that is was a dream) I am always disappointed that in spite of blowing my sobriety, I didn't actually manage to get drunk, and then the rationalizing that I don't have to tell anyone that I drank because I didn't actually get drunk, then the surrender that I have to 'fess up, and then the full realization that it was all just a bad frakking dream.

Here is to good dreams and bad dreams...all grist for the mill.