letting go, part 2

I woke up this morning from this funky dream. I was at this store where they were selling a bunch of items that I had donated. Some of it was crap, but some of the items were my 'treasures'- some real life, some dream life. I was collecting up these things that I could buy back but I didn't have enough money to get all of the, and one of the items was a sword that my dad had bought me (real life).

For those who don't know, my dad died 17 years ago. After his brother died, he and I lived in 'town' at his brothers house, and whenever there was an estate sale, he and I would go. At one of these auctions he bought me an old military sword (the one from the dream). After his death, I had to get rid of a lot of things fast, because I simply didn't have a place for all of the stuff...and there was a lot of it. There are many things I got rid of that I regret getting rid of, but the sword wasn't something I was going to let go of.

A few years back I was in a relationship with R. We lived in a small studio apartment so I had to find a place to store my non-essentials. She offered to keep my things out at her trailer on the Rez. After we broke up I had her take me out there to pick up my things. When I went to get the sword my father had given me, she started arguing that I had given it to her. In no reality that I walked in had I given the sword to her, but by that point I was so sick of arguing with her, I just gave in, rolled my eyes and said, "whatever." It was a bad move on my part, but again, I was sick of arguing, and with this particular girl friend, everything came out of my mouth was subject to argument and I just couldn't take it anymore.

Since that time, the regret of loosing this one thing I had left that my father had consciously gifted to me, has haunted me. After waking up with this dream, I knew I needed to contact her about the sword. So I got out of bed at 4:57 am and I came down to the computer to email her. My slow starting computer gave me the opportunity to re-hearse my email enough times to free it from anger and/or guilting techniques, and just state the facts. I know that I have to let go of any expectations and just accept whatever she decides to do, but I do feel better that I have stated my claim, rather than just letting this go without standing up for myself.