Crap

What to share? I don't know that anyone reads this, but just in case, I don't want to make myself toooo vulnerable. Let's start with: It's been a rough patch...for a while. It was a heavy blow to have to admit that the profession I had spent 3 years of my life, and more student loan money than I care to admit to train for was...a big mistake. Emotionally; mentally, I just couldn't do it. And I hear my brother's voice echoing in my head every time I think about it..."Can't you stick to anything?" Well, I guess I can't...you win, asshole.

I tried to make it work. I tried different populations, different self-care techniques...but I was getting sicker than the people I worked with. Admitting defeat sucks, but I have to face the reality that I just don't have the constitution for that kind of work.

And here I am, 9 months later trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm exploring some options, but I'm uncertain. I struggle with that whole "knowing what I know" thing. I'm struggling with the insecurity of having made one giant mistake and being terrified of making another. And the guilt and shame of not being able to get steady work because I look like a loser on paper...which makes me feel like a loser.

I don't have any positive spin to put on this today. If I tried, it would just be meaningless bullshit.

On another note, I've been sorting through my past...through old belief systems and habits...trying to resolve some things so that maybe I can go forth confidently...so that I can have faith that I do know myself, and my path.

It's been a damn slow process of cutting through the brambles, and discovering sink holes that I didn't realize were there. I've been frustrated, hopeful, hopeless, angry, content, sad, ashamed, but not yet confident. I try to put on a good show, but I know I'm succeeding less and less. And right now I don't have the energy for the show so I hide in my house, and if I have to go out I keep put on my Angry Armour and hope people just stay the hell away. However, I need to remember from my past that my Angry Armour doesn't work on the right people. Crap.