meh

Yay for me. I'm not feeling as negative and crappy as I was at the time of my last posting. Not pooping rainbows just yet, but not as negative, and I'll take that for today.

I'm taking a little break from an online class I'm taking. I haven't committed to anything yet, but I've started taking prerequisites for a physical therapy assistant program. I've got just under a year before they take the next round of students into the program, so I've got time to try this on for size and take my time with a few classes. 

Although I'm not pooping rainbows, here is my attempt at doing things a little different. Rather than just pretending everything is grand and wonderful, I'll be a bit more congruent, a little bit more open. A few weeks ago I discovered an emotional/spiritual/mental thorn in my side that I didn't realize was there. Pulling it out was like, well, pulling a giant thorn out of my side...I was freaked out, I was disgusted, and it hurt. I bled all over for a while, it hurt like hell some more, I freaked out some more...but it finally seems to be healing over...and I'm hopeful (this is a rare and wondrous word for me to be using right now) that pulling out that thorn will start to heal some of the septicemia that I have very unsuccessfully been trying to clear up for years. Just having a little hope today feels good, because I've been feeling pretty hopeless about a good many things for way too long now.

On this thorn picking journey a couple of themes have come up; one of them being "support." Which I suck at asking for or accepting. But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. When doing assessments I would ask about friends/support. I was taught to ask, "If you needed someone to bail you out of jail in the middle of the night, do you have someone you could call?" Pretty muchly, everyone I asked had at least a couple people they could call, but I bet if I asked, "If your heart was aching/breaking in the middle of the night and you just needed someone to reach out to you, do you have someone you could call?" that many people would say "no" or maybe I'm just projecting because that would be my answer. Back when I was new in AA, my sponsors told me over and over again, "Call me night or day if you need to talk." I did once. I was promptly told to pray and read some AA literature. Yeah, that was helpful. And it certainly reinforced that belief of mine that even if people say they are there for you, you can call them any time, chances are that a kick in the teeth is waiting in the wings. So, all that to say I'm not sticking my neck out to real, live people for support! How very healthy of me. ahem. yeah. ah well, part of the process, right? I guess part of the process is me learning who I can and can't count on for support...and right now I'm on the side of I'd rather take my chances of not getting kicked at all. I know support, trust, balanced relationships, etc takes time, and work, and taking chances. At least I'm thinking about it.

As they say in AA to the sick ones, "Keep coming back!"