Illusions

I want to talk to you about illusions today. The first illusion, is the illusion of the "wholesome community." I hear that term less, and less, so perhaps the illusion isn't as strong as it used to be, or maybe it's just in NM people know better. I used to hear people refer to my home state of ND as "wholesome" and as "safe" (the latter being my second discussion of illusions). If you've read back, you might have a clue or two as to why I think it laughable that people on the outside would think such things about ND. 

In college I remember seeing a statistic that basically said that in urban areas the rate of violent, stranger crime is much higher; but on the other side domestic crimes tended to be higher in rural areas. I have no idea if that stat is still legit, so who knows... What I do know is that there was nothing "wholesome" about my little world I grew up in. What I grew up around was a community full of rampant alcoholism, domestic violence, and sexual abuse...and the community dealt with it by, surprise-surprise, denial and/or blaming the victims. 

By 14, all the girls knew that if an older (you know, 40s, 50s) guy asked you to take a walk that a) it was rude to say "no", b) it was your job to make sure that you fought him off (nicely), otherwise, whatever happened was your fault and you had not excuse to complain. And, if you are sexually abused as a child (you know, pre-puberty, cuz after puberty, you should know better), don't worry...the entire town will know about it, because that's the great thing about small communities; everyone knows whats going on and is there to support you, and bring you hot-dish...they'll take care of you...by talking about how you instigated it because you wanted it. 

One evening as a senior in high school, I drove the 5 miles (did I mention "rural"?) to my neighbors house because her dad was beating her and threatening to kill her. Why did she call me, instead of the police? Because the sheriff's deputy lived about 20 miles away, AND had been arrested for a rape 2 or 3 times by then, so if he actually came...who knows how much help he would be. So I grabbed my .357 and drove there as fast as I could not knowing what the hell I was going to walk into...would my friend be beaten to death, would her father be cooled down and flare up when I came in, would I have to "defend" her or myself? ***

These are just a few stories of "wholesome", "safe" rural America...a wonderful place to bring up your children. I've thought over the years a lot about writing an autobiography so I can dis-spell this myth, maybe I'll get to it someday...maybe people have already figured it out for themselves. 

Which brings us to "safety."What does it mean to be safe? If we don't think to hard about it, we might say we are safe because of our city, our neighborhood, the locks on our doors, the gun in our bed stand...but do any of these things mean we are "safe"? And what do these things, and rituals protect us from? Will the gun keep us from getting cancer? Will the "wholesome" community keep my children safe? Will my nice neighborhood keep me from tripping over the dog and breaking me neck? Of course not. The truth is, there is no such thing as pure, capital "S" Safety. It's an illusion we create for ourselves with trinkets, and rituals.

You may be thinking "well, that's a bit bleak." Oh, but wait, here's the (good) loop hole! We can reduce our risks, That really is the name of the game. And how do we reduce risk? first we figure out what our risks are, and we address them specifically, and realistically. Realistically meaning we don't assume our risks are the same as those of our hero in our favorite action movie, nor will we address things the same way as our action hero...believe it or not, even the elitely trained don't stand much of a chance against a room full of machine gun toting bad guys...but the good news; your chance encountering these bad guys is  less than getting struck by lightening...while winning the lottery. I see avoiding conscious risk reduction as that whole "if you don't make a decision, you have made a decision." We can blindly pretend we are dealing with the real risks in our lives, or we can distract ourselves with the illusions we create for ourselves, or are given us by society, parents, peers, etc. 

So, are you at risk to be attacked my a trans-woman in the toilet at Target? Yeah, about as much as the lightening/lottery thing. Ninjas? Mmmm, I think you know the answer to this one. Will we die if we speak our truth? Depending of the circumstance, of course; probably not. It did not feel "safe" to start posting this blog, but I did some risk reduction first; and I thought about the potential risks: would I be shamed by "friends" for speaking my truth, would it change my relationships, would I feel this that or the other based on how people reacted? There are risks, non-fatal risks, and risks I'm sometimes willing to take, and my risks aren't the same as another person's may be. When I'm in a good place, I stand by what I said in a previous post: We have to raise our voices up over those of the people who would shame us, and blame us while exonerating the "bad guys." I will speak for the younger version of me who had no voice and no advocate, and I will speak for all those who have no voice. And I will hope that as a country, and as a human race we open our eyes to the illusions around us, and that we help others to do the same that we may live, speak, see, and act in a way that brings peace, hope, and healing to us all.

 (Disclaimer: As a Motorcycle Safety Rider Coach we would start classes by a discussion of safety and risk reduction, so I can't take credit for all of this as original thoughts.)

***Papa asshat screamed and raged about how he didn't do anything, officer rapey came (but didn't rape anyone), and no further violence was had that night.