Missteps in finding my voice

This morning I saw that I had gotten a notification from a company I had written a not-so-glowing review on. It was an honest review, and honestly, I wasn't as harsh as I could have been, but seeing that I had a notification from them sent me into an absolute terror. I couldn't even read it I was so overwhelmed with fear, racing thoughts, pounding heart, and shaking hands. Now granted, I've been away from home, routine, and family/friends/pups for 4 weeks, and I'd been in a car for the last 2 days so I wasn't at my best physically or emotionally, but still...my emotional, knee jerk reaction knocked me off balance. Not because this is an abnormal reaction to presumed or real confrontation for me, but because I had decided that I was recently cured of being afraid of speaking my truth. And I realize that it's not that simple, this business of reclaiming your voice...or maybe finding a voice you've never had...but I was enjoying the fantasy...

Several hours later, heavily snuggled by puppies, and even medicated I'm feeling like I'm back on solid ground. I was able to actually open the notification and read it, as opposed to think about all the horrible things it might say, even though I know logically they would not for business sake do something as stupid as send me a nasty message * . But this old wound trumps (we need a new word) logic, and it certainly trumps a couple weeks of "speaking my mind" on my blog. And it's a tricky wound because it is a complex, and systemic wound. It is a shot gun blast of growing up with a checked-out alcoholic father, mentally ill and sometimes homicidal sister, a slew of perverts, and a mentally ill mother who couldn't give me comfort let alone a sense of safety I so desperately needed. 

I've already chatted about self-doubt, shame, and loss of voice that comes from being assaulted. What I haven't talked about, lately anyway is the direct messages I got from my mother countless times. Her favorite; "Don't tell anyone (fill in the blank) or the social workers will take you away." The blank could be about my father's drinking, or the bottle full of pills she had taken...just don't talk about anything, and you will be safe. What a grand lie...fantasy...cover up: Keep your mouth shut, and you will be okay. The real truth: Keep your mouth shut, and the person being a douche can pretend they have done nothing wrong, and won't have to take accountability for their actions. 

There have been times when the message has been more subtle...like one of my earliest memories from about 3 when my mother was telling a neighbor what a good girl I was because "she's so quiet, she never bothers me." Or how everyday when I got home from school she would stop what she was doing to tell me about her awful stressful day but woe to me if I tried to talk to her (it only took one time to learn that was a big no-no). There were also the times I would tell the grade school teacher that the older boys were picking on me...her response "they only pick on you because you react! Just ignore them"...just swallow your voice and everything will be okay. But, it was not okay.

I've started off on a Hobbit adventure of finding my voice. It will be a long treacherous journey, but there is no turning back...and I know there will be secondsies at the end of the road.

*(They apologized for my experience, and hoped that I would give them the opportunity to make it right)