I've had a little bit of sleep since my last post, and I thought I'd chat a bit about my journey into long term sobriety. As I mentioned last time I had been trying to control my drinking since I was 17, including some fairly long periods of being dry, but it was always white-knuckling with little to no support from the folks around.
When I was 22 I started therapy, and was referred to an outpatient intensive alcohol treatment program in mid-winter, which I was quite pissed about because neither drinking nor consequences from it was what brought my happy ass to therapy. But, I am very good at following the rules, so I went, and I diligently did my homework including the requisite weekly AA meetings. I found an open speaker meeting (because I wouldn't have to talk/share in one of those), and I hung out...and I got a sponsor, and I decided maybe this wasn't such a bad idea (I STILL wasn't as bad as my dad, but maybe long term sobriety would be a good thing?).
During that time I became very involved with the group including (gasp!) speaking. I spent a lot of time with a couple of women in the group who had been around a bit longer than I, but were still pretty new in recovery. We'd have movie nights, go fishing/camping, have dinner together...we fostered a friendship that I wasn't quite accustomed to. And I will admit I had a crush on both of them, but especially R...but I knew P was straight, but was unsure about R, but this was the 90s in rural ND so you just didn't bring that kind of thing up.
In fall R and I had gone to the new (and only) coffee shop in town. While we were caffeinating, including a few chocolate covered coffee beans she told me she wanted to go to Williston to 12 step a friend, and did I want to join her. On a side note let me also mention that I was in a rather horrible relationship that I was desperate to get out of, but due to circumstances that I will save for another day, I finding it difficult to remove myself from the situation. So, when this gal I had a crush on wanted to go on road-trip with me, the answer was a, "hell yes!"
This is already a long story, so to cut to the chase, before we were half way there she was drunk. That night in Williston, after I'd hauled her out of her vomit, she kissed me, and we started a short, tumultuous relationship. I'd been struggling to hold on to my sobriety at that point and the fucking "read the Big Book and pray" shit that I got from my sponsor when I was struggling wasn't fucking cutting it. So, I was looking for an excuse or 4 and I got them...only, I wanted to get my 1 year in. So I did, then I celebrated my anniversary with Jim Beam. Then I proceeded to drink daily in spite of my best intentions not to (up to that point I'd been more of a binge drinker, so it was quite terrifying to not be able to get through a day without drinking...and that kids is when I realized I was indeed powerless over alcohol, and yes, I was just like my dad). So I drank throughout the winter, I missed class, I was late for work, I didn't get shit done; I turned into the person I hated.
R hated me, I was still madly in love with her, and I had gained somewhat more than 50 pounds during my relapse. I had been on antidepressants on and off as my depression was out of control, as was my suicidal thoughts. I finally got the shrink to try me on something new, which of course I drank on, and then I thought I was going to die (probably a panic attack induced by the meds), and I was finally able to interrupt the cycle.
I decided not to go back to AA right away because I had been around long enough to know how people got judged when they relapsed in my little town, so I wanted to make sure I could string some time together first. Several weeks later I started back to meetings, and found a new pack. And I fucking threw myself into AA...service work, chairing meetings, making coffee, whatever was needed, I was on it. Just for fun, shortly after I came out, I started and LGBT group on campus, I was the sober, lezzie cheer leader of Dickinson. But throwing myself into all of that shit, trying to help my communities got me out of my head and set a strong foundation for me. And of course I continued with therapy to address all of the contributing factors.
A couple weeks before my 3rd sobriety anniversary I moved to Albuquerque. I got hooked into AA right away and immediately made friends who are still my friends these long 22 years later even though I've moved away from AA. For my first 15 years or so I was very reliant upon AA for my sobriety, but there came a time when it wasn't really working for me. Nothing against AA, I know I owe my life to it, but I need something different now. And I admit, I haven't really found that thing that does what AA did for me early on, probably the biggest thing being having a sense of community that doesn't strongly involve alcohol. But I find pockets of community here and there, and I have legit friends who regardless of whether or not they drink, support the F*CK out of my sobriety.
I'm not one of those people in recovery who are all, "and one day the desire to drink was just lifted from me! It was a miracle!" (I kinda think those people are full of shit, but who knows? Maybe I'm just an asshole.) I struggle. Yeah, sure there are times when I don't have cravings or thoughts about drinking. But there are triggers...the smell of booze, working on my motorcycle with a Pepsi close by, unpleasant anniversaries, stress, but I have tools thanks to AA. I know to think through the drink (okay, that'll be yummy and I'll feel all warm inside when I stoke that ball of rage, but then I'll drink til I'm sick, my wife will kick my ass out, I won't stop, and I'll lose all the good shit in my life), do a gratitude list, pray, call a friend and see how they're doing, am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, and just fucking talk about the cravings.
When I was 22 I started therapy, and was referred to an outpatient intensive alcohol treatment program in mid-winter, which I was quite pissed about because neither drinking nor consequences from it was what brought my happy ass to therapy. But, I am very good at following the rules, so I went, and I diligently did my homework including the requisite weekly AA meetings. I found an open speaker meeting (because I wouldn't have to talk/share in one of those), and I hung out...and I got a sponsor, and I decided maybe this wasn't such a bad idea (I STILL wasn't as bad as my dad, but maybe long term sobriety would be a good thing?).
During that time I became very involved with the group including (gasp!) speaking. I spent a lot of time with a couple of women in the group who had been around a bit longer than I, but were still pretty new in recovery. We'd have movie nights, go fishing/camping, have dinner together...we fostered a friendship that I wasn't quite accustomed to. And I will admit I had a crush on both of them, but especially R...but I knew P was straight, but was unsure about R, but this was the 90s in rural ND so you just didn't bring that kind of thing up.
In fall R and I had gone to the new (and only) coffee shop in town. While we were caffeinating, including a few chocolate covered coffee beans she told me she wanted to go to Williston to 12 step a friend, and did I want to join her. On a side note let me also mention that I was in a rather horrible relationship that I was desperate to get out of, but due to circumstances that I will save for another day, I finding it difficult to remove myself from the situation. So, when this gal I had a crush on wanted to go on road-trip with me, the answer was a, "hell yes!"
This is already a long story, so to cut to the chase, before we were half way there she was drunk. That night in Williston, after I'd hauled her out of her vomit, she kissed me, and we started a short, tumultuous relationship. I'd been struggling to hold on to my sobriety at that point and the fucking "read the Big Book and pray" shit that I got from my sponsor when I was struggling wasn't fucking cutting it. So, I was looking for an excuse or 4 and I got them...only, I wanted to get my 1 year in. So I did, then I celebrated my anniversary with Jim Beam. Then I proceeded to drink daily in spite of my best intentions not to (up to that point I'd been more of a binge drinker, so it was quite terrifying to not be able to get through a day without drinking...and that kids is when I realized I was indeed powerless over alcohol, and yes, I was just like my dad). So I drank throughout the winter, I missed class, I was late for work, I didn't get shit done; I turned into the person I hated.
R hated me, I was still madly in love with her, and I had gained somewhat more than 50 pounds during my relapse. I had been on antidepressants on and off as my depression was out of control, as was my suicidal thoughts. I finally got the shrink to try me on something new, which of course I drank on, and then I thought I was going to die (probably a panic attack induced by the meds), and I was finally able to interrupt the cycle.
I decided not to go back to AA right away because I had been around long enough to know how people got judged when they relapsed in my little town, so I wanted to make sure I could string some time together first. Several weeks later I started back to meetings, and found a new pack. And I fucking threw myself into AA...service work, chairing meetings, making coffee, whatever was needed, I was on it. Just for fun, shortly after I came out, I started and LGBT group on campus, I was the sober, lezzie cheer leader of Dickinson. But throwing myself into all of that shit, trying to help my communities got me out of my head and set a strong foundation for me. And of course I continued with therapy to address all of the contributing factors.
A couple weeks before my 3rd sobriety anniversary I moved to Albuquerque. I got hooked into AA right away and immediately made friends who are still my friends these long 22 years later even though I've moved away from AA. For my first 15 years or so I was very reliant upon AA for my sobriety, but there came a time when it wasn't really working for me. Nothing against AA, I know I owe my life to it, but I need something different now. And I admit, I haven't really found that thing that does what AA did for me early on, probably the biggest thing being having a sense of community that doesn't strongly involve alcohol. But I find pockets of community here and there, and I have legit friends who regardless of whether or not they drink, support the F*CK out of my sobriety.
I'm not one of those people in recovery who are all, "and one day the desire to drink was just lifted from me! It was a miracle!" (I kinda think those people are full of shit, but who knows? Maybe I'm just an asshole.) I struggle. Yeah, sure there are times when I don't have cravings or thoughts about drinking. But there are triggers...the smell of booze, working on my motorcycle with a Pepsi close by, unpleasant anniversaries, stress, but I have tools thanks to AA. I know to think through the drink (okay, that'll be yummy and I'll feel all warm inside when I stoke that ball of rage, but then I'll drink til I'm sick, my wife will kick my ass out, I won't stop, and I'll lose all the good shit in my life), do a gratitude list, pray, call a friend and see how they're doing, am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, and just fucking talk about the cravings.
I'm sober, but I still struggle with my mental health issues. I think about drinking, but I know that booze will kill me because the voice that says "blow your brains out!" is just too fucking loud to ignore when I drink. And as I mentioned before, sobriety has blessed me with the gift of love. I love fiercely. And I care fiercely, and I'm not afraid of either anymore. There's a line in the Big Book about trudging the road of happy destiny, and I have heard countless AAer's misquote the definition of "trudge" as "to walk with purpose." To trudge is defined as "walk slowly and with heavy steps, typically because of exhaustion or harsh conditions" per google, or " to walk or march steadily and usually laboriously" per webster. Personally I find the actual definitions much more fitting. Sobriety is laborous, hello!, theres reason only about 10% of maintain long-term sobriety. I fucking labored to get here, and I'm not going to sugar coat it with platitudes. Whatever your struggle is, may you continue to trudge your way to happy destiny, as well. Grab a buddy you can lean on and who will dust off your ass when you face plant and roll around in the muck, and pack a hearty lunch. See you on the road.
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