For those who are a little closer to the inner circle, you know I have a Shamanic practice...for those who are not, now you know. I do a fair bit of psychopomp (helping the Dead "cross"), and Land/Space clearing. Yesterday I was in a zoom meeting for a group of us that trained in Clearings with the same person. During the meeting a couple of them were talking about Fields that might bind us together (think about when you woke up at 2 am, then talk to a bunch of friends who woke up at the same time for no apparent reason; you are sharing a Field for some reason...I'm not going to get overly into this today, hopefully that gives you enough reference to hang with me.)
As they were discussing Fields (which I'm not particularly familiar with and work very little with), I started thinking about this clearing I had done last summer for a friend. It was a property with two residences; one and OLD, huge house, and the other a newer, small home that was a converted garage. The older house had some interesting things going on, but the clearing went fairly well, even the basements (basements creep the shit outta me...sometime I'll tell you about my childhood basement). But when I got to the other home, I wasn't really able to feel much or get much...in spite of the fact that there had been two separate suicides in this structure. I thought ti was odd as I'm pretty sensitive to that kind of thing, but I thought, "well, maybe they already moved on, or that work I did with the rest of the property took care of the area." Unfortunately, per the owner's report, the small home was still funky.
Over the months I had tried to do some distance work to keep chipping away at it, but never really got anything. Then yesterday, as they were talking about Fields, and i was thinking about this case the air shifted in the room, my head felt like it was imploding, and it was quite clear that someone/thing from that home was there to let me know that they were still needing help. Just to be clear, it wasn't an attack (I have strong wards up for that, but I do allow for those in need of healing to enter as long as they can abide by guest/host custom). I put a few shields so I could get through the meeting, and as soon as we were done, I got out my tools and took a little journey.
As I was working with the entities, the Land, and now that I was paying attention, the Field, I had a little (by little I mean fucking huge) revelation. If this isn't your first rodeo with me, you know that I suffer from suicidal thoughts (obsessions), and here I walked into a Suicidal Field last summer. And as I was doing the work yesterday it occurred to me that my suicidal thoughts got WAY worse right about the same time. So, why didn't I notice? The same reason a smoker doesn't smell smoke on their clothes, or the frog doesn't notice when you turn up the heat in the pan it's sitting in. It was familiar, it was normal, and was my own skin touching my skin.
From the perspective of a Field I thought about when my suicide journey began. It wasn't until a student at my high school had successfully suicided that my own obsession began. And it wasn't that I hadn't heard of suicide before, nor was it that the reasons to hook into suicidal-thoughts as a "coping strategy hadn't already been in place for years, but for whatever reason at that moment I jumped both feet into the Field.
I have been very actively addressing my suicidality through traditional psychotherapy, "energetic" treatments, and spiritual work, and things have most definitely improved. But yesterday felt like possibly the last link that needed to be addressed. I mused a while back about the possibility that now that I was aware that I didn't NEED the suicidal thoughts as a coping-strategy to make myself feel like I had power and choice in my life, or an exit strategy when the PTSD got too overwhelming, that maybe I would be able to free myself from it completely. The work yesterday, made that feel like more of a possibility. Time will tell.
For today, I was able to identify/feel the dysfunction in that place, and it feels like it has been resolved. The presence in my treatment room was addressed in a good way. And, for me, I feel a little lighter, and a little freer.
As they were discussing Fields (which I'm not particularly familiar with and work very little with), I started thinking about this clearing I had done last summer for a friend. It was a property with two residences; one and OLD, huge house, and the other a newer, small home that was a converted garage. The older house had some interesting things going on, but the clearing went fairly well, even the basements (basements creep the shit outta me...sometime I'll tell you about my childhood basement). But when I got to the other home, I wasn't really able to feel much or get much...in spite of the fact that there had been two separate suicides in this structure. I thought ti was odd as I'm pretty sensitive to that kind of thing, but I thought, "well, maybe they already moved on, or that work I did with the rest of the property took care of the area." Unfortunately, per the owner's report, the small home was still funky.
Over the months I had tried to do some distance work to keep chipping away at it, but never really got anything. Then yesterday, as they were talking about Fields, and i was thinking about this case the air shifted in the room, my head felt like it was imploding, and it was quite clear that someone/thing from that home was there to let me know that they were still needing help. Just to be clear, it wasn't an attack (I have strong wards up for that, but I do allow for those in need of healing to enter as long as they can abide by guest/host custom). I put a few shields so I could get through the meeting, and as soon as we were done, I got out my tools and took a little journey.
As I was working with the entities, the Land, and now that I was paying attention, the Field, I had a little (by little I mean fucking huge) revelation. If this isn't your first rodeo with me, you know that I suffer from suicidal thoughts (obsessions), and here I walked into a Suicidal Field last summer. And as I was doing the work yesterday it occurred to me that my suicidal thoughts got WAY worse right about the same time. So, why didn't I notice? The same reason a smoker doesn't smell smoke on their clothes, or the frog doesn't notice when you turn up the heat in the pan it's sitting in. It was familiar, it was normal, and was my own skin touching my skin.
From the perspective of a Field I thought about when my suicide journey began. It wasn't until a student at my high school had successfully suicided that my own obsession began. And it wasn't that I hadn't heard of suicide before, nor was it that the reasons to hook into suicidal-thoughts as a "coping strategy hadn't already been in place for years, but for whatever reason at that moment I jumped both feet into the Field.
I have been very actively addressing my suicidality through traditional psychotherapy, "energetic" treatments, and spiritual work, and things have most definitely improved. But yesterday felt like possibly the last link that needed to be addressed. I mused a while back about the possibility that now that I was aware that I didn't NEED the suicidal thoughts as a coping-strategy to make myself feel like I had power and choice in my life, or an exit strategy when the PTSD got too overwhelming, that maybe I would be able to free myself from it completely. The work yesterday, made that feel like more of a possibility. Time will tell.
For today, I was able to identify/feel the dysfunction in that place, and it feels like it has been resolved. The presence in my treatment room was addressed in a good way. And, for me, I feel a little lighter, and a little freer.
No comments:
Post a Comment