Family: Age 7, part 1

We were isolated, living in the vast emptiness of the ND prairie-no friends, no play ground to escape to, no crowds to disappear in to. My father was melting into his alcoholism-most of his day was spent away from the house hiding his drinking, and when he was home he was nearly comatose from his non-stop drinking. My mother although she hadn't had her first mental-health hospitalization of my life-time, I already knew that her emotional state was on a delicate balance between volatile and fragile, and any false move on my part was not acceptable. My half-sister, was just volatile...she loved you, or she wanted to "FUCKING KILL YOU!!!" Her chaos ruled our house. Her screaming flip-outs, the running away, the going to The Social Workers and telling fantastical tales furthering the family need for secrecy. The chaos that was her, and the chaos that she created in the home was enhanced by her diet-pill addiction that would leave her sobbing and waling incoherently as she cut a path from bathroom to kitchen on her knees. She would laugh in your face when she hurt you, because she truly found delight in doing so. My half-brother was my closest ally, my protector when my sister was at her worst, but just as emotionally unavailable as the rest. And there was no respite to be found outside of the home. I was drowning in shame. I was in tormenting pain. A pain I had to hide, I pain that I had to bear alone. There was no place to be safe. There was no place to let my guard down. There was no place, and no one to provide solace. How did I bear it? How did I carry on? How did I survive?