So where did that belief about everything being my fault start...oh yeah-as per my mother everything is my fault (for example: she stayed with my dad because she didn't wasn't to upset me {and then her suicide attempts because she was so distressed from living with my dad were by default my fault}, we moved from WY because I was unhappy (really she was escaping her old ex-husband), she can't have anything that makes her happy because of me (there's a blog somewhere about her smashing all of her plants-its a super fun read)).
I pondered the idea, "what would be like to navigate through my life not operating from a place that EVERYTHING (bad) IS MY FAULT?" And my first thought was that my life isn't really MY life because I am still driven by her...only now instead of my directly trying to save/rescue/take care of her, I am focusing my energy on avoiding her so I don't upset her (or me), and still trying to avoid doing anything that will upset her.
So, as I sit with this little gift from my mother, I wonder how much easier it would be for me to let go of the All My Fault filter when it comes to exploring things like my mis-adventures with men who should be locked up for the good of society if I wasn't carrying around the ball and chain from my mother. And I get that for many of us who walk this world in a skin suit designed for females the default setting seems to be "its my fault" or "i did something wrong" especially when it comes to unfortunate incidents with male skin suits (esp pervy male skin suits), but would i be able to escape or at least navigate the shame a little easier if my mom hadn't done such a good job of ingraining in me that it's all my fault?
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