Freezing...

It's been the subject heading on my therapy sessions for some time now. Freezing and the...shame i feel for continuously reverting to freezing when things get intense. Or, even when they're not so intense. 

I'm trying to wrap my head around self-forgiveness for this pattern. Figuring out how to forgive myself for what has happened in the past, but the Truth I realized today is that it is forgiving myself in the present, not the distant past; forgiving myself in the moment that I need to work on...mostly. How can I forgive myself for the past when I can't forgive myself in the present?

I know that in the past I had no other choice. I know that through no fault of my own when I was younger that I had choice taken away from me, and that freezing was all that was left...that there was no running away, or fighting...and that there is nothing to forgive myself for. I was not wrong. I get that in my head...not sure how much I get that in my heart.

And still, I continue patterns of self blame, and self hatred today for minor mistakes...for things most people wouldn't even think twice about. And I do it because that was the habit I was taught when I was a child. Now that I recognize that habit, it is my responsibility to break that habit. To do things different. To honor my successes, to honor that which is good about me, and good in my life. To "not sweat the small stuff."

Sounds easy. Lets see if it is.