The Things I Don't Talk About

Continuing on the subject of "recovery"...since my last post I've some-what gotten back on the food-recovery wagon. I'm eating primarily paleo again. I'm still craving bread/cookies/cakes here and there, but not obsessing as I was. I know there are shadowy places I cannot go right now or I will surely have a slip. But I'm not secretly ordering pizza, or sneaking to the Coop for a bag of cookies whilst my wife is away. 

As the insanity of my food-fixing starts to ease, I am more aware of the emotional stuff that I've been trying to stuff. Anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I wake in the middle of the night feeling lost, feeling scared, and most strongly; feeling a sense of impending doom. I know from experience, both personal and as a professional that this is PTSD raising its ugly head, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Admittedly, it is better than it used to be; there isn't quite as much of the "generalized" fears, and anxieties, but it is still hard as hell to function like a normal person throughout the day. And as I think about it, it is the daily work of pretending like everything is ok...putting on the front that all is right with the world, that is what has exhausted me to the point that I can't deal as well as I once did. 

I continue to go to therapy. I continue to engage in personal enrichment. And I continue to put one foot in front of another...but it's hard. For the last year I've found myself stumbling more often...and sometimes I can't even get up to trudge the road. 

But I haven't given up yet. Oh, sure, there have been days in the past where I have given up for a brief spot, but I get back up.

I also know that something has to give...maybe a little food "recovery" will give me that "give", or maybe it'll have to be finding the right anxiety med, or finding the magic bullet to relieve some of the chronic physical pain, or some great psychological insight...I don't know...I just hope it comes soon because I'm running out of the immense energy it takes just to "deal" day-to-day.

In the mean time, I will continue to work on being positive, and I will continue to do silly stuff to make myself and others laugh, and I will continue to remain open to the beauty of the world when it shows itself to me.

Which brings up another thought...of late I've noticed that I get a little misty-eyed any time I see a Gesture of Humanity, no matter how small. I thought it was just hormones, but as I write, I realize that it is those little gems of beauty that keep me going. So my wish for the world is that today is that it is full of Gestures of Humanity...one never knows when a simple act of kindness will be a life-line to another.