12 thoughts

Not sure where this post will go today...lets take a ride and see...

So what I have to report.
1. I've been released from PT. I'm very excited to not be dropping that copay every week. I already kind of miss my PT crew-they're a great bunch of folks. Hip is way better. Still have some improvements to make, but waaaaay better.
2. I'm working on this online class and it is kicking my ass. I spend over 20 hours a week studying and doing my quizzes and still, after getting straight A's in my masters program, and getting B's on the unit tests, and it is frustrating as hell. Not only am I dealing with over-achiever syndrome because "if only I do good enough, maybe I WILL be good enough", but also, this is a prerequisite for a very competitive program and I need all the advantages I can get. So, in short, this class is making me feel like a failure, and stressing me the frak out.
3. I have disengaged from therapy. In part because my life is so stressful between my class, my 3 jobs, and the nasty bout of insomnia I'm going through. And in part because my therapist can't remember what I said in my last sentence. And also because I sought out a therapist specifically for EMDR so I could root out some deep knots, and it turns out the therapist I found had strayed too far off the designated EMDR course to really help me.
4. Anxiety is off the charts. And I'm frustrated as hell with that. I've done soooo many things to address it, and it only seems to be getting worse. I know I need to look for a new therapist, but the anxiety that pops up at the thought of that freezes me in my tracks.
5. I love chocolate. I haven't been eating sugar for a while so I get bakers chocolate and smear homemade sunflower butter on it, and plop a date on top. It's heavenly. I would like to eat some right now, but I know it would mess with my already messed up sleep. Perhaps for breakfast?
6. I'm looking forward to the Phoenix Highland Games. I really thought that the Flagstaff games would be my last competition. And I was depressed as hell. It was with great joy that I realized I could continue to throw...the black dog was sent to the dog house. There are few things that bring me as much joy as throwing. I don't really know why...I'm not particularly good at it...and I kinda hate crowds of people...but it thrills me to no end to strap on my kilt, step on to the field, and join my sisters in a day full of shenanigans.
7. I've been going to the gym regularly and it is helping with my hip issues, and my mental issues. It's become my new "drug."
8. Speaking of drugs, I've been thinking about drinking. A lot. For some time now. I fantasize about it. I know I shouldn't romance it, but I do.
9. I've thought about this a lot. I used to think I had all kinds of friends. Then when I needed them, instead them needing me, I realized I didn't have friends. Who would I call in the middle of the night (besides my wife) if I had an emergency? I wouldn't. I'd deal with it myself. Or not at all. Maybe I'd go to the bar.
10. Am I drunk blogging again with out the booze?
11. Maybe I need to sleep. Maybe I need to write when I'm not so fricking tired.
12. The end.