Reality of convenience

For a change, a post that isn't written while half asleep.
Step 1 down. I've called someone I trust for therapist recommendations. I've also been doing a little research on my own. I know what I need...I just need to find someone who actually does what they say they do.

I'm tired. Exhausted. I spend so much time studying...and worrying. Mostly worrying about stupid, unimportant crap. Working out helps, and throwing helps, but still the worry is consuming my life and my energy. I'm turning into my mother. damn. 

Not sure how much I've written about my mother, but here is one reason I don't want to be like her: She exists in a reality of convenience. 
Here is what I mean by that. She sees what is convenient to see, she remembers what is convenient to remember. She acknowledges what is convenient to acknowledge.

A few examples: 
-When she stayed "too long" with my father, she did it because of me (even though she stayed because she was afraid to step out on her own at her age). When she left him, she did it because of me (even though it was her fears that made her choose to leave). 
-When she was with one of her husbands previous to my father, she conveniently ignored his violence against her children until her turned on her. More recently when this man passed away, she went on and on about what a wonderful man he was...in front of some of those siblings who suffered horrors at his hands.
-When I came out to family, it was a complete surprise to my mother....except for the fact that she had told my siblings a few years before that she thought I was gay.

There are many other examples, but not ones I care to share at this moment. 

But hopefully I've acknowledged what *I* need to acknowledge. 

Yes I am my mother's daughter, but I don't want to be like her. I want to be present, I want to be real, I want to live my life for the moment rather than the past or the unknown future. I want to be associated not with my "paaaaaiiiiinnnn" but with how fricking groovy I am. I want an identity of positivity.  Right now, I don't really have a good sense of what my identity is, either from the outside, or from my own perspective. Whatever it is, it is in transition. It is in my control. Lets see what I make out of this lump of clay. shall we?