dreams

I've been dreaming about the community where I grew up, and I've been dreaming about it a lot. Over the years I've dreamed about the ranch a lot, but not much outside of it. The two main scenes take place either in the little town, or McDonald's place about 3 miles up the road (4 miles if you didn't take the short cut across the field). They were our second closest neighbors out in that little ranching community.

When I dream of McDonald's place, sometimes Sally (the family matriarch) is still alive, sometimes not, sometimes I just don’t know and I'm trying to find out. Often when I visit there in my dreams, there’s generally a sense that I shouldn’t be there; that I am trespassing or just don’t belong.

Last night I was there again, but all that’s left of this dream is just a vague recollection of being on the edge of their front yard, with the badlands at my heels. I am not doing anything, I am simply on the outside looking in.  In to what is the question. I'm not looking into the house. No one is present. It's just the house, me, my apprehension, and the badlands.

The badlands. My home. The bones of my bones.

I don't know why I was there last night without Sally being there...she is the only reason to return to that place. She was a kind, loving, caring soul. And I miss her. Another woman who I wish had been my mother. As a17 year old alone during the week she was one of the women who took care of me. She and Ella. As much as they could, as much as I would allow them; they were my stand-in mothers.

I’m sad. Sad that they are gone. Sad that I didn’t get to tell them how much their caring meant to me. Perhaps it is only now that I realize just how much it meant to me, what a precious gift it was that I had somewhere to go, that I had someone drag me to town and buy me a prom dress, and tell me "You are NOT missing your senior prom!" 

So that covers one side of my associations with the McDonald place. But the other association is much darker. It is a black root twisted around my soul.  And often I don't know which association brings me back there. Maybe both. I don't know. Either way, that place only holds sorrow for me, and it's time to uproot myself from that part of my past. What is the lesson Psyche? Can you be a little more specific so we can move on, please?