It's funny how many comments I've heard about how "happy" and "energized" I appear. Funny because a) I've been having a bad run of anxiety for some time now, and rarely get my minimum of sleep requirements, and b) I'm f'ing disturbed. I lie awake at night wondering how, between depression and anxiety, I'm going to face the next work day. But I'm an old hand on putting on a "good face" to please the crowd when I'm under pressure...guess I'm better at it than I realized.
Which brings me to...there are certain situations in my life where I say to myself, "I would rather die that do that". And I'm encountering one of those situations now. Now, don't get too excited...it's not a super-serious, "rather die", more like a thorn in your bra kind of thought, than a "i need to act on this" kind of thought. So, how am I dealing with this? Food. Acting out. Shutting down. General spazziness. And I did call my old therapist to make an appointment.
My old, old therapist, not my recent old therapist. I love my old, old therapist. She's like a mom, kind of, in a therapist kind of way...but I was needing...new insight...or something like that. I got complacent in the relationship with my old, old therapist, I guess. But right now, I do need someone who knows me...who sees behind the "good face". Who knows my quietness reflects my level of disturbedness. Who knows to take me seriously. Who can see the unseen, hear the unspoken, speak what I didn't know I needed to hear.
That is all for now.
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1 comment:
good on you..hard as hell to call ourselves out on our own behavior. Harder still to face someone who knows our tricks open, saying "I know I do this, Help me."
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