Spreading the Light

I was already feeling a little philosophical (or full of bs?) this morning since I spent most of the night lying awake with my rambling thoughts rather than sleeping...and then I read a snippet in the newspaper. This chap, Scott Maxwell I believe was his name, had been asked to speak at his church about the Orlando Massacre...the last line he asks, "Did I spread light, or foster darkness?" In my own way, I had been pondering this question for myself as I zombied, half asleep through my morning.

Specifically, I was thinking about the life events that have brought me to exactly where I am right now. Had my dad not lost the ranch through his alcoholism, and the crappy economy of the 80s, I would have hidden myself away on the ranch. Hidden away on the ranch I would have nurtured my own alcoholism, and probably be long dead. And I would like to think that somewhere along my travels, that I have spread light...that I have made someone's life just a little bit better...that maybe, just maybe, the world was a little tiny bit better for me being here.

Yesterday at the clinic a returning patient, upon seeing me, squealed my name and came running to give me a hug. I thought for a moment she must have me confused with someone else, but then she started going on about how engaged I was with her last time, and how it had made her feel important, and that her issues were important. It was something small in the grand scheme of the world, but for her it was a big deal. And it did make me feel like maybe I am important to this world, that by just being kind, and present, and engaged we all have the opportunity to make the world a better place.

As for the darkness, yes, I am guilty of being a fully engaged step-parent to the darkness. I gossip, I judge, I seethe. It is something I am ashamed of, and it is something I would like to change...but the darkness is seductive. Perhaps if I focus more on spreading the Light, and less on avoiding the darkness, my Light can fully dis-spell the darkness.