Raging Rant

I'm re-posting this from my other blog (with some editing), Finding Grace (http://fallingupwithgrace.blogspot.com/) ...because I can...and because I finally was able to recover my password for this one...and because, fuck it...I'm not going to be afraid of my truth anymore (and who hears it).

I've been in Washington for 3 weeks now for my internship. I was expecting it to be hell, but I wasn't fully prepared for the types of hell it has been. Yes, I expected to miss home...in all the ways that home is home (snuggling at bed time with wife and pups while watching stupid tv, studying with friends before tests, hitting a favorite restaurant once a week, spontaneous meet-ups with friends, routine, etc.). I expected to be exhausted from my internship (esp when I heard I'd be doing 4 10's), but I wasn't prepared for what amounts 11 hours a day with "learning" lunch breaks. I wasn't prepared for 11 hours a day of christian radio and hearing about the church, and the ministry, and "loving the lord." And, nothing against religion, or spirituality...but non-stop ANYTHING is wearing...I couldn't listen to Enya 11 hours a day, and talk about Enya all day long, and I LOVE Enya. Even though my supervisor is a very loving, kind, and open hearted Christian, not all of his patients are, so by opening up discussions about Christian views, invariably there will be patients discussing their view of the evil ho-mo-SEX-u-als.

I also wasn't prepared for the 20 hours of sunlight that Washington gets every day...having turned into an old lady who is up with the sun, I've averaged about 5 hours of sleep a night since I've been here...and it is catching up with me...and really exacerbating my post-concussion symptoms...concentration, confusion, balance, etc. Oh yeah, and I'm doing an online class...which is hard to keep up with when it takes me 30 minutes of reading to comprehend a paragraph.

Since I've been here, and away from home and stability the Stanford Rapist Debacle, and Orlando Massacre have occurred. Both have left me reeling. In the SRD, the miscarriage of justice when that little fucker was convicted but slapped on the hand by the good ol boy judge, when that young woman was run through the fucking wringer...when she endured the hell of being put on trial even though she was the victim...when she was re-victimized by the court system...and the jury found him guilty, but the perpetrator was the one who the judge decided he needed to take care of, keep safe...not the fucking victim of the little privileged piss head (who has apparently never had to take accountability for his actions)...when all of these things occurred I was knocked askew. I am heart broken for his victim, and for every other victim out there that has not gotten the justice that they deserve. I am heart broken for every person who has been told, and/or believed that it was their fault that they were sexually assaulted. I am heart broken for every person whose life has been irreparably damaged by sexual assault. And yes, I'm heart broken for myself. I'm heart broken for every fucking time I thought I was safe, and I learned that I wasn't. I'm heart broken for myself that by the last time I was violated, I'd been violated so many times it just wasn't that big of a deal...and even though that is the case, I never quite feel safe...my body is still not my own...and the nightmare never quite goes away, even when it quiets to a gentle white noise in the background...it never gives me complete peace...like the peace you get when the electricity goes off and without the refrigerator, and clocks, and lights humming, you finally hear true silence when you didn't even realized that your perception of silence was an illusion as you realize how loud the "quiet" was. And I have no positive, feel-good, "on-the-other-hand" for this. It just sucks, and it is the experience of way too many of us, and the press on this case was just a slap-in-the-face reminder about the lack of justice/resolution/closure most of us will experience.

Re: Orlando...in the week before the shooting, I had had two... TWO fucking conversations with people where I told them that things weren't so bad for us gays anymore. One of the people was looking for assurance as a mother of a teenage girl who had just come out as bi that she would be okay. "It's not like it used to be...it's mainly just cyber-douche hats these days...I haven't been threatened with a beating, or rape in over 10 years" I told her. Then this. I didn't really think it had affected my sense of safety as a lesbian until Monday at work when someone asked me if I was married...and I didn't correct him when he asked about my "husband." I haven't fucking hid the gender of my partner in years...but deep down, my sense of safety was rocked. I feel like I'm back on solid ground again there...but I'm angry...at so many fucking things I can't even articulate...but one is that some people's response was to immediately change their profile picture to some NRA bullshit, because defending every fucking nut jobs right to buy an assault rifle is more important than mourning our dead and thinking about how we can keep fuck -tards from easily getting their hands on weapons meant for war. You know what? I love guns. I think they are fun, especially ones that go "bang-bang-bang!" really fast and loud. But you know what else I love...my fucking bio-identical progesterone cream. Which I have to go to my dr. for, after an exam and an blood test...and I don't get that prescription indefinitely...I have to keep going back to my dr. to prove that I am safe to take it. So this bull shit about not being able to screen people for gun purchase; it's bullshit!...guess what...you want an assault rifle, you go to the fucking shrink, get your eval, then you can get your gun..or not...and you have to fucking get a re-eval every fucking year. I only get 3 refills, you fuckers only get 1 box of ammo. Problem solved. Boom!

And it's not just Orlando that has me pissed off...it's the fact that even though we finally have our marriage recognized by the USA, there are still people who want to take that away...the fight isn't over. We can't just relax...we have to remain vigilant. Just like we have to remain vigilant every time we leave the house...yes I am out...but yes, I still have to be VIGILANT every time I reach for Chris' hand...is it safe? Is someone giving us the look who might have a gun, or a knife and wait until there is no one around so they can gut us or shoot us. Is it better? Yes. Is it safe? Hell no. And every time some whack-job preacher or senator proclaims that gays are evil and destroying our country, attacking our well-being; it gives some off-kilter whack-a-doo who is looking for someone else to blame for his lot in life; someone weaker than him to blame, permission to beat, rape, and/or kill one of us. And yes, I have guns, I sometimes carry a pistol...but that doesn't make us safe. Some Westboro walnut could walk up to me with a gun out and pull the trigger before I had a chance to reach in my pocket. I think way too many people think action movies are real, and forget how real life really works.

Fortunately, I do have some really awesome people in my life...a couple folks who have checked on me since I've been up here to make sure I'm doing okay with all the crazy in the world, and in MY world. The folks I'm staying with are awesome, and have gone above-and-beyond taking care of me...making me dinner, adjusting my neck, bringing me fresh berries, loving me, making fart jokes...all the important stuff. Thank the Goddess for Love...and for allowing me to allow love into my life.