allergies

Jane Lindskold's voice echoes in my head nearly every day, "twelve good lines...". It seems easy enough in theory, but I just can't seem to put it into practice. Am I just another one of those people who only talk about the book they are going to write some day, or can I sit my ass down and actually do it? I think I'm allergic to finishing things that I start.

rant, rant, rant...

This a journaling episode for me. If you really feel the need to read it, well it's here, but if you're the kind of person who freaks out if they know too much about someone, then don't read further.

Ok, back to the dish towels from mom...

So, let me make it clear that I am grateful for my mother's hard work that she put into those towels for me...and I do know that needle point is a lot of work...especially for someone whose eye sight is so bad she can't pass the DMV eye test with her glasses on. Also, may it be known that I'm not upset about the dish towel designs because I'm a big bad butch lesbian, although that doesn't help.

The thing that bugs me is the little girly designs, because this is part of my mother trying to make me into her "little girl" (yes, I intentionally wrote "make me into" as opposed to "keep me"). I am my mother's last child, and god save me, her favorite ("Luannie was so quiet, she never bothered me") and I get that whole emotional crappity-do that results from this fact, but I don't have to like it. In fact I find it to be a slap in the face that now, as an adult, she expects me to be her 'little girl', when as a child she didn't really offer me the opportunity to be a 'little girl.' No instead I got to take care of her when she was having her nervous breakdowns, or, even before that, I got to get raped weekly by the frakking neighbor long before I even knew that I had a thing called a vagina, while my mother ignored the fact that something was very wrong (and I certainly knew that I couldn't tell her what was wrong). I didn't get to be a little girl because my mother needed to be the little girl, and I had to be the adult...no matter what happened to me...it always had to be all about her.

And I've done enough therapy to know that "she did the best that she could with what she had", but sometimes that just isn't enough. I am sorry that her childhood was so frakked up that she had to steal mine away from me, but it doesn't make any of the hurts I suffered any less painful...and the thing of it is; her trying to make me back into her little girl (by doing things like sending me 'bonnet girl' towels) after all these years just makes those wounds fester.

PS: if you decided to read this anyway, don't worry, I've had more therapy than you can imagine, and I'm just hunky-dory, so don't go getting all weird on me.

I am grateful for...

Back when my friend Sheila and I were roommates, we had this holiday tradition (which I think, may have been started by Sheila's friend 'Sassy' Jo). Rather than saying some prayer at the meals, but to still bring in a bit of The Sacred, we would hold hands and go around the table stating what we were grateful for.

I haven't shared a holiday meal with Sheila in a long time, and I haven't kept the tradition alive in my travels. I think this Chris chick would be open to continuing on the tradition. To get things started, here is a short list...

I am grateful for the people in my life who make me laugh, for all of the Love from all of my friends, for Saigon Restaurant and the many friends I have shared meals with there, for the ability to ride a motorcycle, for Enya (yes, I'm a freak), for my cool tattoos, for BSG, for my internship, for my gym membership, for the burned cookies my mom sent me, for my Home, and for finding my Soul Mate.

Your turn...

The diet pill is wearing off...

Just a little song title from L7 to start your morning.

What I didn't say during my rant yesterday about losing weight, is what my weight loss goal is. I don't want to have a 28" waist. I really just want to be able to comfortably get into my Wranglers (33", if I remember correctly) again. There was a time in my life that I thought I should have a 28" waist, but I've gotten over it.

I learned about weight loss goals from my sister, Kathy. Kathy, who 9 years older than me has been obsessed with her weight since as long as I can remember. My two role models for what a woman's figure should be like came from her, and from my mother who lived on cigarettes and black coffee (because she was 'too nervous to eat' if you need a refresher on that you can reference Autobiography). These two women were always there to let me know that I was getting fat, or that I was going to be as fat as my father. Of course they didn't stop to think that my father's gut was the result of chronic alcoholism, not an eating disorder. So with a little help b them I became convinced that I was horribly overweight, but as I found out years later; I was not.

On the bright side, my sister's obsession with her weight may have saved me from being a drug addict. Back in the day, diet pills were still over-the-counter speed, and at the ripe old age of 16, my sister was shop lifting diet pills to keep her weight down (not to mention starving herself). One day, I got off the bus from another thrilling day of second grade to find the ranch rather quiet. Mom and dad were off at some Artex convention, where mom would be receiving yet another crown for having the highest sales in the region. It was still early fall so the garage door was open, and the screen door was the only door closed into the house. As I reached for the knob, I saw my sister cross from the hallway into the living room. I only saw her for a second but I had seen enough to have my gut tell me I needed to hide. She had been walking on her knees, her eyes were glassy and not just from the sobbing she was doing, and she was mumbling words that I couldn't understand.

I was terrified and I was alone. My brother Jimmy should have been home, but I had no idea where. I hid in the garage, afraid to move and afraid to call out. Wrapped up tight in my suffocating, eternal terror I waited for someone to come rescue me. Eventually my brother came stomping into the garage, his red hair practically ablaze with his intensity. Without a word he ushered me quickly down the basement stairs. He quietly opened the door, got us both in, and closed the door behind us. "Kathy overdosed on her god-damned diet pills. Keep quiet and stay here." With that he ran up the stairs and into the house. I could hear his cowboy boots clomping through the house, as he did whatever it was he was doing. Finally I heard him clanging things around in the silverware drawer.

Eventually, he came down to get me and brought me back upstairs. I really didn't want to be in the house, but I was much more at ease with Jimmy around than being alone. After yelling at Kathy to stay the frak away from me, in a rare moment of domesticity, Jimmy made us both peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and returned to the table where he had instructed me to sit, and we played go-fish. I tried to ignore Kathy, who was still making her rounds around the house on her knees in between bouts of violently throwing up in the toilet.

While we played our game the phone rang. Jimmy got up from the table and picked up the wall phone from next to the door. It was my parents. He told them of Kathy's 'episode', and proceeded to tell them that he had hidden all of the knives because he was afraid that she would try to kill me (uh, Jimmy? what you're doing is not helping with that whole 'terror' thing).

Long story short, Kathy didn't kill me, and eventually she passed out and was back to her normal crazy self. And I never-ever wanted to do drugs.

Hey Brenda

So here is wanted I wanted to text to Brenda, but my key pad sucks AND I don't have a 'camera' phone, so you can all suffer through the blog:

Ok, so dude, I really appreciate that my mom made me needle-point dish towels...but why Little House on the Prairie bonnet girls?!? Why couldn't she needle-point me a little El Dia de los Muertos Girl in a dress? Or kittens? Maybe you could send her some patterns for next year? Fortunately the Folgers can contains burnt cookies, not folgers...she even put a piece of bread in the can to keep them moist. So much for changing my diet, eh? 'Tis the season to put both feet in the trough, fa-la-la la-la.

And, yes, I know I said I was dis-owning my family. I changed my mind...I'm just not going to be a doormat anymore.

Repent your failed resolutions!

Why don't New Year's Resolutions work? My theory is that they are too vague and generally don't include a realistic plan for achieving the resolution. For example, the most common resolution; "I am going to lose weight." Great goal, but how do you get there? One day don't eat anything except a granola bar, and the next day when starving and having a glycemic episode eat the whole house. Yup. Done that one. The other thing is that there have to be life-long changes (not just for the upcoming year...or more likely, the 2 weeks before the end of the year), changes that one can live with.

So, I have been wanting to get rid of some fat and get big muscles (that is the direct quote from me to my trainer when I first started working out). I would love to have be built like trainer-extraordinaire Dorine, but I think that her body is probably a full time job (see above fo-to). Anyway, I started working toward that goal last winter when my friend Brenda was like, "Dude, wanna lose weight?...K, I have this new product..." oh wait, no, she said "Lets go to the gym right now and join" Probably not the exact quote, but she didn't say, "let's join the gym some time", she said, "meet me now, bring your check book", and I did it. Firm, solid goal and execution. Thanks B.

And I have been good about getting to the gym, with the exceptions of being sick or having owies. I have managed to build some muscle, but the blubber ratio has stayed the same. And here is the deal; in order to burn fat you need to change your diet AND do more cardio. I find cardio boring, in part because I don't see immediate results, so I don't do it. On the diet front, I have made some minor changes, but there are bigger changes that I need to make, and I knew I wasn't ready to make long term changes, and I was aware of the consequences and willing to live with my decision. Just like in getting sober, I had to have a willingness to have a willingness to make changes. I now have a willingness to make changes, and I am slowly making some changes. I have also started to do more cardio, which means less pumping iron (and less muscle/strength gain), but I want to get those damn Wranglers on again. Once I get my next installment of student loans I will get an exercise bike so that when I am wasting 45 minutes (Thank you God for TIVO) watching Ghost Hunters or LA Ink, or whatever trash it is at the moment, I can actually accomplish something and won't be able to whine about how boring cardio is.

and so ends the reading.

it's alive!

Well, I am finally coming up for air. I've spent most of the last four days recovering, so not much exciting to report. We did have to open a couple Christmas presents early and my fabulous gf got me the new AC/DC and Metallica cds. I am just now starting Metallica-I'll give you a review when I've had a chance to listen to the whole thing.

It wasn't on either of our lists, but we couldn't resist picking up a new game from Active Imagination; Redneck Life. The object of the game is to be the one with the most teeth at the end of the game. You just can't go wrong with a game like that. We did play a quick game before I passed out last night...it rocked. My favorite card, "Try experimental home dental procedure. Lose 2 teeth. Dang."

my exciting life

Yesterday I had the stomach flu. Yesterday was also my last day of class. I stayed home.

Snow day

Chris and I had a snow day yesterday...yeah free day. A couple weeks ago we actually picked up 2 strings of lights which we hadn't even taken out of the bag...until yesterday. While we were out an about we picked up a little potted pine tree which we brought upstairs and trimmed (we couldn't do it downstairs as the boxers would eat it...and the presents). We only had 9 ornaments between us, but that was just the right amount for our little tree. I haven't been particularly excited about Christmas since...well, since my dad died. He loved Christmas; in particular he loved decorating for Christmas. Back in the day the ranch could be seen for miles as a result of the many, many colored bulbs lighting up crisp winter nights. It's been hard to get back into Christmas, but as I start my new life with my new family, I am ready to reclaim some old traditions, as well as creating new ones.

What kind of cake?

Chris and I haven't decided on a date...and that can wait for now since we are thinking spring/summer. The most important question right now is; What kind of cake will we have? We already know the most important aspect of the cake...who will make it! And that will be our fabulous baker friend ('pasty chef' is probably the correct term, but I'm a hick so I don't know any better), Lisa. BTW, if you have any baking needs, let me know, I will hook you up with. I added a poll to the side bar so my devoted readers (all 5 of you) can help with cake selection. It is 6:08 am, so I am admittedly not very sharp so I couldn't really think of many cake selections, but feel free to give us ideas (keep in mind that I am allergic to nuts) (and we both hate carrot cake).

(Hey Lisa, I'm assuming from your comment that you will let us hire you for the cake?) :)

letting go, part 2

I woke up this morning from this funky dream. I was at this store where they were selling a bunch of items that I had donated. Some of it was crap, but some of the items were my 'treasures'- some real life, some dream life. I was collecting up these things that I could buy back but I didn't have enough money to get all of the, and one of the items was a sword that my dad had bought me (real life).

For those who don't know, my dad died 17 years ago. After his brother died, he and I lived in 'town' at his brothers house, and whenever there was an estate sale, he and I would go. At one of these auctions he bought me an old military sword (the one from the dream). After his death, I had to get rid of a lot of things fast, because I simply didn't have a place for all of the stuff...and there was a lot of it. There are many things I got rid of that I regret getting rid of, but the sword wasn't something I was going to let go of.

A few years back I was in a relationship with R. We lived in a small studio apartment so I had to find a place to store my non-essentials. She offered to keep my things out at her trailer on the Rez. After we broke up I had her take me out there to pick up my things. When I went to get the sword my father had given me, she started arguing that I had given it to her. In no reality that I walked in had I given the sword to her, but by that point I was so sick of arguing with her, I just gave in, rolled my eyes and said, "whatever." It was a bad move on my part, but again, I was sick of arguing, and with this particular girl friend, everything came out of my mouth was subject to argument and I just couldn't take it anymore.

Since that time, the regret of loosing this one thing I had left that my father had consciously gifted to me, has haunted me. After waking up with this dream, I knew I needed to contact her about the sword. So I got out of bed at 4:57 am and I came down to the computer to email her. My slow starting computer gave me the opportunity to re-hearse my email enough times to free it from anger and/or guilting techniques, and just state the facts. I know that I have to let go of any expectations and just accept whatever she decides to do, but I do feel better that I have stated my claim, rather than just letting this go without standing up for myself.

Don't you know it's winter?!

This what I was asked several times today. The reason for the question being repeated by so many people today had to do with the fact that I was wearing shorts. Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't get up this morning and say, "Oh, it's so hot out...I better wear my shorts." No, it was a simple case of me wearing my shorts to the gym, and dropping Chris off at work while I went to run errands. I could have brought pants along, but it really wasn't that cold.

For those of you who know me, you know that I hate the cold and I hate being cold, but once it warms up (as it did today), it is quite pleasant. It's not like ND where right about now it's probably below freezing, plus a little wind-chill on top for good measure. I keep thinking about the winter I had this rusted out old Dodge truck. I literally had to put squares of plywood on the floor to keep from falling through the floor boards (I'll see if I can find a pix to post of the old rattle trap). That was the winter where we had a record breaking number of days that didn't get above freezing...I don't recall how many days it was, but think 'weeks'. Now that is cold.

So, anyway, I am about to leave for class, and even though it is cooling down, I am wearing my shorts. Why? 1. because I'm a brat (Yes, I know it's winter), 2. I think my calves look kinda hot. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Er, Uhm, Chris?

Chris and I have been talking about getting rings for a while. On our trip home from Phoenix we stopped at a gas station in Gallup and found matching mood rings. Yes, cheesy...I'll give you a moment to make smarty pants comments. OK, done yet? Are you sure? OK, so where was I? Ah yes, our "promise rings"...

We have been looking at some very lovely rings at IMEC, but we were waiting. It's not like we were waiting for anything...we were just waiting because we knew we would be bombarded by the "Uh, how long have you guys been together? Three weeks?" comments. Last week, however, we decided to go ahead and order our rings.

Chris was thinking that I wasn't all that excited when we did the deed, but there was a reason. See, for the first time ever, I want to marry the girl that I'm in love with (as you may have picked up from my recent blogs). With that in mind, I didn't want to just get rings and not really have the significance behind them of wedding rings. I wanted them to mean more than that, cuz lets face it; these days most lesbians who have made it past the three week mark are sporting bands on their 'ring' fingers (and yes, I have been guilty of this as well-so sue me). This time it is different for me; I can see myself with this woman for the rest of my life...not just until it sucks a few years down the road.

So what is a girl to do? On Chris' birthday earlier this week, I decided that I needed to do what I could to make this special. Our rings were already picked out and ordered, we were already wearing our 'promise rings', so I stammered and stuttered about how I was having a dilemma, and after I had thoroughly frightened her, I got down on one knee and and said, "I don't know when, where, or how, but I want you to be my wife." (Fortunately she said 'yes')

I figure we will have to settle for a commitment ceremony for now. Perhaps we will plan a trip to one of the states where gay marriage is legal, but at the moment I worry that during the next elections in that particular state, they'll decide to ban gay marriage...so we'll see. But in the mean time, we are engaged, and that is the important part.

What we CAN do!

(from EQNM)
Other EQNM News
This is a time of transition for Equality New Mexico. The National Organizations that have heavily supported us over the last few years have made California Proposition 8 their number one priority. What does that mean for EQNM? It means that EQNM will have to operate with one third of the budget it expected. It means that the Board of Directors has had to take extraordinary measures to slash costs and significantly step up our New Mexico fund-raising efforts.

(from me)
EQNM is working hard on getting NM to pass a domestic partnership bill. With their budget cuts, they really need our support. Every little bit helps, and if you don't have $ to spare, they are basically operating with one person, so if you can volunteer your time, your copy machine, anything...it will help. You can make a difference!

www.eqnm.org

Toy Run

The first photo was our first stop. We met Chris' co-worker Eric, his wife Kell, and his step-dad Dale at Eric's house. From there we zipped up the road to the parking lot where the run began. There were a ton of bikes, and of course, no run is complete without a few moronic drivers. Someone almost hit me, and someone did run into the back of Chris' bike...no one was injured, it was just a testament to why group rides are a bad idea. Stupid drivers aside, we did have a great time. It was fun to see all of the bikes and to participate in the ride. Oh, and we found out that Jesus loves bikers too.

oh yeah, more on the boycott front

Apparently the local JiffyLube franchise also donated to Prop H8. I've also gotten word that supposedly it wasn't Blake's Lotta Burger the franchise that donated, but one of the executives. Supposedly. I'm still boycotting their asses. Oh, and did you know that Hastings is another MOOOrmon owned franchise? People worry about the Homo's taking over the world...I think they should pay a little more attention to them (you know; the ones who get bonus points toward heaven for having lots of kids and converting as many 'un-civilized' people as possible---all we get is a toaster oven...and really, why do you need more than 7 toaster ovens???).

Too early to think.

Thanks to those who passed this along...

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0cf508ff8/prop-8-the-musical-starring-jack-black-john-c-reilly-and-many-more-from-fod-team-jack-black-craig-robinson-john-c-reilly-and-rashida-jones

I had one of those nights where everything kept waking me up, so I'm not quite sure I capable of writing anything particularly interesting or coherent. So, how about you just check out the little ditty above. I will warn you that if your computer is running a little slow, you will probably have trouble loading it, but it's worth the wait.

Peace and Love my Friends.

Oh yeah, Chris and I are planning on going on a Toy Run this morning. I will try to remember to take pictures.

zipping along

The drive to Phoenix was cold, wet, and foggy. Shortly before we reached Phoenix, the clouds began to disperse and we started to see blue sky. Coincidentally, it's about the same place where the wall of saguaros begin. As it happens, I love clouds, and there were some wonderful images to be had, so I snapped pictures as we zipped along, overjoyed to be out of the rain AND to see clouds again (NM skies are sadly empty of clouds).

I was sad to have missed Jeannette and Megan on our trip, but I am sure we will have another opportunity to meet. Perhaps for the Santa Cruz trip around January 16. (Yes, I know I said I was going to boycott CA, but I already had my tattoo planned...besides I'm sure Teresa didn't vote for Prop H8)...and I still haven't heard from LA Ink. :)

God bless us and save us...

Chris always cracks me up when she does her "God bless us and save us said Mrs O'Davis" in her Irish/Boston combo accent. The phrase comes from her mother, so on the trip I had to take the opportunity to make everyone say it for blog. In the photo is Chris' niece Tracy, Chris, Chris' Mom Mrs Helen, and big sister Sally. It was really nice to be around a family who obviously loved one another. It was quite refreshing as a matter of fact. Thanks Mrs. O'Davis.

Thanksgiving adventures

Chris and I have returned from Phoenix, and neither of us is ready to return to 'real life', especially not me. I am one cranky ol' ho. OMG. I really don't travel well anyway, and I ate too many things that were straight out of container or fast-food wrapper, and I feel emotionally, mentally and physically frakked up. I can't believe I used to eat this way on a regular basis. Traveling is always a good reminder for me of why people who aren't eating anything resembling healthy, feel so crappy. Chalk it up to another lesson for my future profession.

Photos to come, but not today. I got to meet the in laws, and everyone was great. Chris' sister Sally is a hoot. While there, Winkle got her furry little toes spoiled off...and EVERYONE loved her...and she was so calm. Winkle is a dog who needs a human around a lot more than I am. It made me feel rather guilty about her situation, and if Sally became serious about "Winkle can come live with Auntie Sally", I would gladly pack her little suitcase because I know how much happier Wink is with a full time mommy (and a pool!).

Answering Machines

When I lived with my first girl friend I got to be in charge of the answering machine greeting. At the time I could do a damn fine Tina Turner impersonation, so I used it on the machine...I can't remember what the hell I said/sung anymore, but it must have been entertaining because we got a lot more people calling and not leaving messages. At the time, we were one digit off from Pizza Slut, so we got a lot of wrong-numbers, so I had a captive audience. What is my voicemail greeting these days? "Hey, I can't hear worth a damn so speak slow and loud please." Ain't it great to get old?

I thought of this because of an answering machine greeting that frequently triggers in my head when I have forgotten what I'm doing. I used to do reminder calls at one of my jobs so I got to hear many greetings, and my favorite being from Debbie; "I have no idea where I am or what I'm doing, but please leave a message." I feel like I should have that tattooed on my forehead.

Is this a step above "the cute thing that my kittie did today"?

Stupid class and boycotts

It's almost time for the semester to be over, and oh my, am I ever burnt out. Class #1, research and evaluation...that says it all, yes?

Class #2, Human Sexuality. Ok, now you would think this would be a cool right? Yeah. Well, it is sooo not. Chapter 8, Homosexuality. "Umm, we'll get to that later."
Excuse me? Later?!

Well, it's later, and there is no time for the homosexuality chapter. She also neglected to show the scheduled homo movie for that chapter. What do we take our time up with instead?

Well, there was that 2-hour space taken up by splitting us into four groups to build penises and vaginas out of toilet paper tubes and puff balls. And there was the hour spent passing around ancient contraceptives, that I had to explain the usage of to her. Yeah. This is my $1300 hard at work. I am happy to note that everyone is pissed off about this class, particularly about having their intelligence insulted weekly.

On another note: Let the boycotts continue. Cinemark and Century Rio both contributed to Prop H8. For those of us in Burque, that means the only "dollar theatre". If your going to go, at least sneak in your own snacks cuz that is where they make their money anyway.

Doing our part for the economy

This week I was teaching a motorcycle class and I was able to get Chris into the class. This weekend we were going to shop around, and well, 4-hours later after driving up to R&S Yamaha, we drove home with Chris' new love. We found an 07 V-Star, complete with all the necessary add-ons, with only 4K miles...and it's pretty (the latter being the same reason I bought mine). I have to admit that I am a little jealous...hers has far more ground clearance than mine so she can take the turns hotter than I can.

dreams

So, I keep having dreams about people I have had falling-outs with. In the dreams we're all happy sharing space and having a warm fuzzy moment. I don't know if this is an omen that I should reach out to them, or just that I'm trying to work out the dis-harmony in my dreams, or what. I am happy to have the warm fuzzy dreams...just disappointed when I wake up and realize that it was just a dream.

12 good lines

At the book signing last Saturday, Jane was asked about her writing habits and schedule. She stated that she required "12 good lines" of herself everyday. There were different requirements for different stages of her books, but that was the one that stuck in my mind. 12 good lines seems like a do-able task. It bothers me that I have put aside all of my writing projects. Due to my work/school/internship schedule, I don't have a lot of time to devote to writing, but the truth is; I piss off a lot of time on the internet, or watching television...or just starring off into space. Not every day could I do 12 good lines, but there are certainly days that I could...I just have to decide what is more important.

I run into this 'importance' problem when it comes to my body as well. I don't mind working out, in fact I quite enjoy it. The problem is with my eating habits. I LOVE food. Good food that is. And up to now I have been unwilling to make my diet a priority, or to make food sacrifices. In the past couple of months, I have been able to shift my attitude a bit in favor of developing the body that I would prefer to have. More than anything it has been an exercise in willingness. Now I just have to get willing to set aside time for writing.

Following the X

So, I finally got my DNA results from Genographic project.

Haplogroup K
Interestingly, her descendants gave rise to several different subgroups, some of which exhibit very specific geographic homelands...today they harbor specific European, northern African, and Indian components, and are found in Arabia, the northern Caucasus Mountains, and throughout the Near East.
While some members of your haplogroup headed north into Scandinavia, or south into North Africa, most members of your group moved northward out of the Near East. These women crossed the rugged Caucasus Mountains in southern Russia, and moved on to the steppes of the Black Sea. Interestingly, your haplogroup is also very significant because some specific lineages within this group constitute three of the four major Ashkenazi Jewish founding lineages.

Interestingly, they used "interestingly" twice in a short space of words. I don't know at the moment that I feel like I have a better sense of 'where I come from', but it's a start, and when I'm not under a pile of homework I will study up on this further.

Yet another Passionate statement

Just in case I'm not the last person in the 'Verse to have seen this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JalfEfZVk_M

How a Republican made me cry...

the title says it all. Thanks Christie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rfea8iEGNw

Drag Queen Bingo!

Sunday, NM AIDS Services held a fundraiser; Drag Queen Bingo. Chris and I volunteered, and I volunteered Chris and I to go in drag. I was Tex Longhorn, Chris was Bob the Builder. The Queens were hysterical and Queens tend to be, and a good time was had by all. And I'm told that Donnie Chase was very disappointed to find out that I was a chick. So perhaps, there was one who did not have a good time.

13

Last night Chris and I went to Jane Lindskold's talk/book signing at Page One. Have I mentioned that Jane is my new favorite author? The woman even baked chocolate chip cookies for the event...how can you not love her? She really is an incredible writer, and I have to say, it is such a pleasure to listen to someone speak who has such an amazing vocabulary...which is a truly rare and wonderous thing hear in Burque. (sigh) If she comes to a bookstore near you, even if you aren't a fan of science-fiction/fantasy, go! You will be won over!

If you happen to be a fan, or would like to know more about Jane, she is doing a temporary blog for Tor...the link is below.

http://www.tor.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=blog&id=7290

I wept

Yesterday at 11:30 am, there was a Protest of Proposition 8 (H8), at Civic Plaza. Sadly, I forgot my camera, so all I have is a couple of mini-photos that we took on Chris' cellphone. To the left are my two favorite signs from the rally; "What if My Vote Disallowed Your Marriage?", and "No Special Rights for Heterosexuals."

And yes, I wept. I wept in anger that we have such a battle ahead of us and we don't have the financial resources of the many (so called) Churches to support us, I wept in sadness that in only two states can Chris and I get married (and at any time those states could vote to change that), and I wept with Love, for all of the support and camaraderie I felt from all of the people at the rally.

Reminder to self...

I Love this woman and I want to marry her...that is why this is my reminder as to why I am so furious about the many states who decided to pass legislation banning gay marriage. This is my reminder as to why I am not going to let this issue go. This is my reminder that I am coming from a place of the Heart, not a place of Hate. This is my reminder that I have a greater capacity for Love and Joy than hate and fear.

And these people need a big ol kiss...

In my search for companies that I might run into that I might just need to boycott, I found this lovely tid-bit that I was un-aware of. Please feel free to email google and Apple to let them know that you applaud their efforts to fight discrimination. This from the LA Times:

Apple giving $100,000 to anti-Prop. 8 campaign
Donating on behalf of same-sex marriage is seen as risky for a consumer goods firm.
By Michelle Quinn October 25, 2008
Reporting from San Francisco -- Apple Inc. said Friday that it was donating $100,000 to fight the proposed ban on same-sex marriages in California, taking a rare political stand that may win over some customers and irk others.The computer and gadget maker joined such companies as Google Inc., Qualcomm Inc. and Pacific Gas & Electric Co. in declaring opposition to Proposition 8, which would define marriage as only between a man and woman.

"We strongly believe that a person's fundamental rights -- including the right to marry -- should not be affected by their sexual orientation," Apple said.Wading into a social issue with a six-figure donation is unusual and risky for a company that sells goods primarily to consumers, according to marketing and corporate governance experts. Although Apple has long pitched itself as a counterculture brand, products such as the iPod and iPhone have brought it into the mainstream.

Let the Boycotts begin!

Oh, sad day. I just received word that Blake's Lotaburger supported Proposition 8. I encourage everyone to boycott! As soon as I have contact information so we can all send them nasty letters letting them know that they are being boycotted, not just suffering from the poor economy, I will post said info.

Kwan Yin

I planted these flowers back in September, and to be honest I didn't really think they would survive more than a week or two, but here they are, flourishing under the careful watch of Kwan Yin. Most of my life I have hated fall...I was unable to appreciate the beauty of the leaves changing color and falling because all I could think of was the long, bitter winter to come. Living in Albuquerque has taught me an appreciation of the fall...especially since fall here is so mild. Seeing Kwan Yin surrounded by the fallen leaves gives me a little peace of mind that I am unable to conjure myself...Thank Kwan Yin.

Just for a change

In case anyone is getting sick of the gay marriage rants...for those of you in 'Burque, my new favorite author is doing a talk and book signing at Page One:

SATURDAY • NOVEMBER 15 • 7 PM • TALK AND BOOK SIGNINGJane LindskoldTHIRTEEN ORPHANSAs evocative and moving as Charles de Lint’s Newford books, with the youthful protagonists and exciting action of Mercedes Lackey’s fantasies, Thirteen Orphans makes our world today as excitingly strange and unfamiliar as any fantasy realm. . . and grants readers a glimpse of a fantasy world founded by ancient Chinese lore and magic.As far as college freshman Brenda Morris knows, there is only one Earth and magic exists only in fairy tales. But Brenda is wrong.A father-daughter weekend turns into a nightmare when Brenda’s father is magically attacked before her eyes. Brenda soon learns that her ancestors once lived in world of smoke and shadows, of magic and secrets. When that world’s Emperor was overthrown, the Thirteen Orphans fled to our earth and hid their magic system in the game of mah-jong. Each Orphan represents an animal from the Chinese Zodiac. Brenda’s father is the Rat. And her polished, former child-star aunt, Pearl—that eminent lady is the Tiger.Only a handful of Orphans remain to stand against their enemies. The Tiger, the Rooster, the Dog, the Rabbit . . . and Brenda Morris. Not quite the Rat, but not quite human either. (Tor Books)Jane Lindskold is the bestselling author of the Firekeeper series, which began with Through Wolf’s Eyes and concluded with Wolf’s Blood, as well as many other fantasy novels. She lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico

We'll Be Back! (insert Ah-nold accent)

Posted with permission below (in Red, White, and Blue) is a response to my "rant" blog from another one of Chris' neices. It is very enheartening to have strong, positive support from people I haven't even met yet, but people who are family none-the-less.

Last night as I was brushing my teeth I came up with the idea of boy-cotting California and everything from California. If the state felt the economic crunch, especially in these times of economic hard-ship, would they re-think their ease at passing discriminatory legislation against a sizalbe group of individuals? Chris made the point of "shouldn't we boycott all of the states that have done this?" It is certainly a consideration, but I think California would be a good start. So, all four of my readers, what do you think? Are you willing to boycott all California products? I'm sure they'll feel the crunch! :)

(Jeanette, your exempt since you live there...that would just be too hard.)
Three people can make a difference, right? This is America, after all!

aunt chris-i sent your email to my good friend from college, kate, whose dad is gay and who is also very disasppointed in what happened in AZ and CA. Her response is below. Just thought you might want to hear from someone who is passionate about this issue just like you are. I as well am very sad about what happened and hope this will change before long. I support you and LuAnn and many other people do, too.thanks for sending this. have a good day!-megan

Thanks for sending this Meg. It's good to know there are other people as angry about it as I am and as my family is. It is time for people to vote NO on these issues. There needs to be a strong and clear separation of Church and State. And Church and Hate for that matter.

In truth, I am shocked that people voted (overwhelmingly!) for Obama for "change" and then voted yes to these ridiculous marriage amendments. It is voting for the ultimate in progression and at the same time for the ultimate in regression. I am extremely disappointed in Arizona, although not really surprised. CA surprises me. And it scares me that Prop 8 passed there. We can't change the fact that these discriminatory propositions were passed, but what we can do is speak out and educate people about these issues, especially those of us that have personal ties to the people it effects the most.

I would encourage you to send this email to as many people as possible (with your Aunt's permission of course) and let people see for themselves how it feels to be a victim of legal discrimination. It makes me sick that people voted for these propositions and it makes me that much more motivated to ensure it doesn't happen again. When will your Aunt Christine and LuAnn and my Dad and James and the other 36 million+ people in this country receive equal rights?

Thanks for sending this Meg, this is good for me to see and read. Sorry this email sounds a bit passionate, I am just so tired of watching people vote to legalize discrimination against the people I > love-Kate

It's Raining Men

Another tid-bit from my friend Jeremy. I will note that he 'didn't have time to check source info'.

11/6/08; the County of Santa Clara filed a lawsuit with San Francisco and Los Angeles that petitions the California Supreme Court to direct State officials to refrain from implementing, enforcing or applying Proposition 8. The lawsuit asserts that: "the California Constitution does not allow a bare majority of voters to divest a minority group of rights conferred by the equal protection clause. The 1911 Amendment to the California Constitution creating the initiative process provides that, while initiatives can amend the Constitution to help further its purpose, initiatives cannot be used to revise its basic structure, which includes the notion of equality. Thus, Proposition 8 is not a valid constitutional amendment."

Tonight I ran into a friend who said to me, "this California thing is taking away your civil rights...this is America, you can't just do that." From the mouths of babes. I know we have come a long way in some ways, but I'm not satisfied with things being 'a little better than they used to be'...I will not be satisfied until we won't feel the need to have "Pride" parades because we have the same rights and the same responsibilities as everyone else, because we will be equal, because we will be considered 'normal'. Oh hell, we should still have parades because we're all attention whores. And we will continue to dress up like fairies and prance around in leather and/or lace to celebrate the hero's who finally stood up to the arrests, the demoralizations, the rapes, and the beatings at the hands of the police and said "No more!" the day of the Stonewall Riots.

Tonight a classmate told of being in Paris and the one lesbian float was playing It's Raining Men..."How sad was that?!"
Very sad Scott, very.

A perfect illustration of my point...and I do have one

Thank you to Jeremy, one of my 3 readers...for this link in regards to my post from yesterday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H3kxDFgmu8

Married until proven otherwise

My friend Katie (who happens to be the fabulous woman who introduced me to Chris) recently went to California to get married to her partner of 7 years. After the passing of Proposition 8 she hung this tank-top outside of her cube at work. What it says since you can't really tell is, "MARRIED UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE."

A couple weeks before Katie and T went to CA to get married, we were at a BBQ together. Seeing Chris and I being all ga-ga over each other, she said to us, "You know, T and I have been together for 7 years and we still wake up in Love with each other every morning. I wish that for you guys."

How often do we encounter couples who are so in Love? How is it that a group of people can say to these beautiful, Loving women, "No, you can't get married because the Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman." Excuse me, marriage wasn't invented by the Christians. I'm not going to go on a historical rant about what marriage is and has been, but I will say; lets not forget that it wasn't that long ago that caucasians weren't allowed to marry people of color...based on something that the bible supposedly said. Where do we draw the line? If you want to quote the bible, let us not forget the passage where Lot and his daughters engage in incest, but nobody is fighting to legalize incest because 'the bible said so.' And I'm sure good Christians will argue context on that, but lets face it, it is purely hypocritical to argue "context" only on the issues one chooses to.

Marriage isn't solely an institution for Christians, otherwise only Christians would be getting married. Love is a Human Right, as is Marriage. It is time to cut the bull$#*! and dispense Rights equally.

Justice for All

Upon reading my last post, my fabulous gf forwarded the post to several of her family members. I was touched by their support, and their support fueled my fire to keep on fighting the good fight. With permission, I have included C's niece's response.

Response from my niece, Jeanette. Wow. Made me cry a little…

I was so sad to wake up this morning to see that not only my home state but my new adopted state are supporting hatred and fear. People around school today had all sorts of explanations about why Prop 8 passed but there is only one- the American people are not as tolerant as they would wish the world to believe. I often ride the city bus to school and have the opportunity to speak to a wide variety of humans. Yesterday I spoke to an African-American couple who were offended when I compared this fight to the civil rights movement. They could not see the correlation between a movement promoting equal rights for all races to a movement promoting equal rights for all sexual orientation. How do you make people see that? I've heard people blame Prop 8 passing on religious groups but I don't think that's necessarily the case. I think there's still a culture of closeted/latent hatred and disgust towards homosexuality and it takes elections like this to bring that out in the open. It just saddens me to know that the state and country in which I choose to live is not living up a basic idea that we learned in grade school- liberty and justice FOR ALL. I love you much,Jeanette

And I agree with Jeanette. It's not just the religious right (wrong). It is the everyday folks who have it stuck in their heads that marriage is something only for them ("normal" and "straight" being their belief). Case in point, a man that I worked with who "had no problem with gay people", and in fact I have a great relationship with said to me one day "I understand that these people want to get married, but they don't get that marriage just isn't for them...they have to do something else." The question I didn't ask because I was so flabbergasted was, "Why isn't it for us?"

And or course this brings up the question of "what is marriage?" There are many answers of course, but historically, it has much to do with ownership (particularly ownership of women) and/or creating alliances. So are straight people who oppose gay marriage just afraid that by forming these strong gay-alliances through marriage we will pull a William Wallace and overthrow the straights???

(sigh) (rant)

So I stayed up long enough to see that Obama would be our new president. This morning, non-routine conscious act was to turn on my computer to see what else had happened in the election. I was relieved to see that the democrats swept our state. The next important thing, and the thing that was really 2nd only to the presidential election was Proposition 8 in California which would define marriage as between a man and a woman. As of the moment, the measure is winning, but not all of the precincts have reported in. I'm not holding out much hope, however.

There was a time not so long ago when I didn't really care about gay marriage. I mean, certainly I wanted us to have the same legal rights as straight people, but marriage just seemed like a hassle. Today though, I want to be able to marry my girl friend if I so choose, and I so choose. We plan on waiting a while, but we know we both want to get married...but our chances for being able to do so are looking slimmer and slimmer. Certainly we could do a commitment ceremony, but, lets face it; commitment ceremonies are a table scraps, they're the cheap imitation knock-off. I don't want SPAM, I want a pork chop. I want the same legal rights as my siblings, my neighbors, my countrymen. I pay my income tax, I pay sales tax, I vote, I abide by the laws; so why is it that I don't get the same legal rights as the other 90% of the American population? When anyone can call their roommate their 'domestic partner', domestic partnership is nothing but a sham and it takes away from the dignity and commitment of my relationship with my 'PARTNER'...and while I'm at it, I'm so frakking sick of hearing straight married people refer to their spouses as their 'partners'. Frak you, you have a 'HUSBAND' or 'WIFE'! I can't say that I have a wife, so don't demean me, or try to identify with me or come down to 'my level' like a kindergarten teacher kneeling down and talking slowly to one of her students; WE have partners, you have spouses, so don't be impinging on our terminology until I can say, my WIFE! Too bad the people who read this aren't the guilty ones.

I guess I need to call mom and celebrate Obama's win.

Mom

Ok, so mom's not all bad. Last night while I was working on my blog she called to tell me to make sure that I had gone and voted...for Obama. I love my mom. My brother, however, is a moron. I will say nothing more about him at the moment, but I am happy to report that mom made sure his daughter (who is studying law) voted for Obama as well.

The full effect of Carol as Mom

Sadly, I am not computer adept enough to flip the image, but I think it adds to the disturbing nature that it is meant to convey.

Oh, I forgot to mention in the other blog that my new and improved mother called tonight to make sure that I had voted for Obama. I love her.

Halloween, mom, computer

I have been having problems with my computer and as a result haven't been able to post as often as I would like. So, in my head is a scrambled bit of tid-bits that have been fermenting for a couple of days.

I love Halloween. Someone on Halloween asked "Is that your costume?" I responded truthfully, "I would dress up everyday if people wouldn't look at me funny, so I guess for today, 'yes, this is my costume.'" C and I talked about what we were going to do that night. Dancing of course seemed like the obvious choice, so we asked around to all of our gay friends for suggestions on where to go. After a busy afternoon of running around, we returned home for dinner, took off our hot costumes, watched some TV, finished our vampire-detective novel and went to bed. Not a bad day, but we still need to go dancing.

Our friend Carol, pictured above in the white nighty was "Dead to the world". Sadly, she looked much like my mother. And sadly, she acted much like my mother when she was on her 'nerve' pills. My mother had a little problem with 'nervous breakdowns' when I was a kid, and as a result she had an unending prescription to some anxiety med. So when she 'couldn't take it any more' she would just take a couple of extra of her 'mother's little helpers' and drag her feet around the house doing the Thorazine-(ozzy)-shuffle...or if you were around Friday, the Carol-shuffle. I have to report that my mother did get herself off the pills in her 60's. Kudos to her. Now if we could just get her to an alanon meeting.

Back to the photo, Josh on the right was a trailer-park granny(Can someone take me to Walmart later?), and the lovely Chris being 'Pimp-Daddy' meant that I had to be, ahem, 'Yo-ho-Ho'.

Presently behind

Where does all the time go? I just started a new term, and already I seem to be behind in my homework, and behind in my social life. The end is in sight for graduation, but I find that I am quickly loosing motivation. Well, in the case of classes that I don't like. Research and Eval would be the class I am thinking of. It is a dry class with a dry text book, and an incredible amount of outside work. I guess that is what is getting me; that sense of overwhelm. Which, if I were Present, wouldn't be such an issue. I guess I'll just keep working on it...

Thoughts on cold and learning

I was off from doing internship this week as I was teaching a morning motorcycle class. You really get a sense of the weather change when you are unloading a storage locker full of motorcycles at 7:30 am. I'm not sure what the temp was when I got out there, but considering that I had to scrape the windshield on my van, and that now at 3 pm, the temp is still in the 50's, I am going to have to say that it was damn cold!

A couple years ago, I was teaching a bunch of am classes in January and February, and it was a particularly cold winter. My toes and fingers would be numb and/or painful until about 11 am. During the classes while I was freezing my various body parts, it made me wonder how much my students could really learn when they were freezing their butts off. Learning is such an individual process; we all learn in different ways, we need different input/stimuli etc, but when we add in these adverse conditions, aren't we really doing a long-term disservice to our students? But who am I to ask? Just a mere lackey!

jemez 008

Completely unrelated text: I figured out the rest of my schedule with Dr Herman earlier this week. I had been thinking that I had at least a year and a half left of school, but as it turns out, I should be done in exactly one year (assuming I can complete my internship in one term), so WOO HOOO!

Jemez 023

I was just going through my camera and noticed that there were a number of photos that I really liked, and this is one of them.

the fear of rejection

So this year, Self Serve's Pornotopia is going to also have an 'erotic' art show attached to it. I wasn't planning on entering it, but the ladies encouraged me to enter some art work, so I dug through the piles to find something suitable. I found a couples pieces to submit for consideration, and then it came; the fear of rejection. I have been out of the art world for mannnnnny years, and two things have happened in those intervening years: 1. I'm simply not as skilled at making art (I'm not being hard on myself, I am simply out of practice and it shows), 2. I'm no longer defended against the particular form of rejection that comes from submitting art work, and having it not accepted. I don't mind not having my pieces accepted, but it's hard to navigate those automatic feelings of worthlessness that like to pop up unbidden. On the good side, if I do get rejected, I don't have to come up with anything intelligent to say about my pieces.

Carols

Oh so many things on my mind. Where to start. Carol. I have a couple Carols in my life, I love them both. Have you ever noticed that sometimes people with the same name, have very similar characteristics, or perhaps, you just have similar reactions to these people with the same name. For example, I can scarcely think of a "Brad" that I don't have a dislike for, there are a few, but most; uh-uh.

Then we have the Carols. Yesterday, I had a nice encounter with both of my Carols. Carol J nearly made herself throw-up she laughed so hard at our bantering, which started with her teasing Chris that she and I had moved in a week after knowing each other (hey, it was almost 2 months). I then informed her that C and I were going to get each others' names tattooed on our wedding ring fingers. I think that was what sent her over the edge, or perhaps it was when I said, "On our one year anniversary we are going to get each others names tattooed on our necks." (It may have been the dead-pan delivery which may have made her question whether or not I was serious...)

Carol S I ran into at a metaphysical bookstore. I thought she had a soar throat, but it was Yom Kippor; color me ignorant. We didn't get to talk much with her not being able to speak, but I always get a warm and wonderful greeting from Carol S, so it was quite wonderful to run into her.

Which led into another thought...when I was single and decided I would start dating again, I was trying to think of what kind of woman I wanted to date. In trying to figure this out, I thought about all of the women that I really liked, and what it was that they had in common. They were all quite different in characteristics, but they were all very open hearted women, and the common denominator was that they were all Jewish, so logically, I decided I needed to find a good Jewish girl. My Jewish mother, Diane, went to work on finding me a nice girl, but was finding that they were all taken. Fortunately, another friend, (OMG! Who also happens to be Jewish) introduced me to Chris, who although not Jewish happens to share a similar spirtiual path to mine (The Holy Church of Jespah and Chicks who Kick Ass). So, all is right with the world.

Give us whiskey, screw the wine, we're the class of 89

This coming year will be my 20th High School Reunion. My how time flies. I wasn't really all that close to my classmates, but there is this curiosity that makes me kinda-sorta want to go back and see what folks are up to...and a part of me that would like to let those folks know what I've been up to.

There was a time when I had this fantasy of going back to say to people, "That's 'Dr. Robinson'!", but I've gotten over it. I am a different person now, and I would hope that the people I went to high school are different as well. So, anyway, I don't really have a whole lot of desire to drive 900 miles for the sake of curiosity...and I did promise myself that the next time I left the state it would be for a real vacation, and sorry, going to ND does not count as a vacation.

Sunday afternoon

Today I spent a lot of time on the couch convalescing from a virus. Part of my convalescing involved watching a great deal of television, including watching a marathon of LA Ink. The problem with watching LA Ink is that it always a) makes me want to tattoo again, and b) go to LA and get a tattoo from Hannah. And here is the next one (left calf) (right after I win the lottery)...

Before and After?

There is some wonderful joke here, I just haven't come up with it yet. Maybe there doesn't need to be one.

To the right, you see my fabulous GF at the Arizona Honor Debut. Yes, my girl is a debutant! She had to curtsy to Mayor McCain. There is yet another joke there: I will leave that to you...Maybe it has something to do with McCain turning refined young women into big ol dykes. That right there should disqualify him from running for president.

More from the Jemez trip

I like these photos, so I decided to post them as they represent a moment of time where both Chris and I left the cares of our life behind, and were able to be Mindful. Mindfulness is my latest kick. If we cannot find happiness in the present, we will not find it anywhere. This is my reminder...by remembering how peaceful I felt here, I can reclaim that same peace in the present.

in response to the last blog...

My friend Lydia (who, as it turns out, I was just talking about to Chris as we perused the aisles at Cost-Plus) sent me this via email.

Hi Lu!
I don't have a blogger account and so can't comment on your blog, but
this is what I wrote and tried to send:
You began blogging because you wanted to learn to speak up about what
was going on in your life. You wanted to throw out your ideas to the
world and notice that neither the world nor you will fall apart as a
result of saying what is on your mind. ... and of course, as Jeremy
points out, you might also write something that other people want to read.
So are you now confident that you can speak up about who you are and
what you think at any time? If so, blogging has done the first job you
asked it to do.
Is it narcissistic? A bit. Does that matter? Not at all. If you were
forcing us to read your texts, that would be one thing. But all you do
is put it out there. If we want to catch it and read it, then it's all
good for us.
So stop or continue as you like, but don't stop because you think there
is something wrong with blogging.
Lydia

So, thank you to Jeremy and Lydia. Hmm, both of you have a "y" in your name. I'm sure that has some sort of signifigance. Or perhaps I just need another chocolate chip cookie. ...and that is what happens when you write what you are thinking.

Focus. Has blogging done the job? It has gotten me on the path, but there is much work to be done, so I will write on!!!

What am I doing, and why am I here?

Wow! How does life get away from me so quickly? I guess blogging isn't my life, but you know what I mean. The other day when I was out kayaking with my friend Sheila, I was telling her about some one's blog and she asked what blogging really was. Without really thinking about it, the words flew out of my mouth, "An opportunity for narcissism!" And, to a degree, I believe in my answer...there is much more to it than that, but there is certainly that point. My answer made me want to think about why I blog for a while before I got back to it. I still might have to think about it for a while.

wishing i had a waterproof camera

Yesterday my friend Sheila and I took the kayaks down the rio grande from alameda to montano. Other than sandbars and a few false starts it was great. I expected it to be fun, but I wasn't prepared for how peaceful it was. The river itself was very quiet except for when we approached overpasses. And we saw all kinds of critters; ducks, herons, south valley penguins, coyote, rabbits...it was way cool. and it was very nice to spend the afternoon with a friend I spend entirely too little time with.

yes, yes, I need to get a life...

ok. I have an addiction. An addiction to Magic the Gathering cards. Not so much the playing, although I definitely enjoy playing, and would play frequently if I had more people to play with, but it's the cards. And since I'm not playing that often, I don't need the plethora of cards that I have, but I keep getting more anyway. I think it's the Cracker-Jack effect...you don't buy Cracker-Jacks because of the Carmel corn, you buy them for the cheap piece-of-crap surprise you're going to get. I buy the cards because I want to see what 'surprises' I'm going to get. And, I will admit, I do enjoy building decks, but I play so infrequently, that I rarely get to put my ideas to use. Ah well, there are worse addictions out there...

jemez 012

Chris and I went to Jemez this weekend after I taught a morning motorcycle class. I hadn't realized how sick of city noise I was until we were out there. As we wound our way down a bank to the water, I found myself saying "I want to live right here". What I was referring to was the side of the dirt bank, laced with roots.

Even though the water was so loud we could barely hear each other at normal volume, the silence of the place washed away the stench of noise in my head. I see that part of my spiritual journey will be spending more time outside of the city.

spiritual malaise

I attended a spirituality class once. I was looking for answers. The teacher gave her lecture, but rather than giving me answers, it only created more questions for me. I didn't want to bombard the teacher, so I picked a single question, that I hoped would shed light onto all of questions. Her answer was, "Hmm, I've never thought about that before. I will have to take that to my teacher." I never did get an answer. And I am still looking for answers. I am happy for her that I was able to get her to think about something new, but I am also tired of being someone else's catalyst. I want someone to be my catalyst, and it seems like every time I search for one, this is what happens. It makes me feel, once again, like I'm having to be everyone else's mommy. I don't always want to be The Mommy. Or The Fixer. Or The One Who It's Alright To Go Off On Because She Won't Take It Personally. I am sensitive, I do have needs, and sometimes I need someone to hold MY head and tell me it's going to be alright. When I say "I could really use some support", I mean it. That exercise right there has taught me who my real friends are, and I was amazed to find how few my true friends are. (Props to C & J) This whole rant is the result of the journey to re-find my spiritual connection. I am going to a therapist who, more or less, specializes in helping people with their spiritual connection. I am going to pay someone to help me find my way back onto my path, and my former attempts have failed, left me questioning even more, and the fact that my friendships aren't what I once believed them to be, is a greater symptom of my spiritual malaise.

zen or not to zen?

At dinner I was just thinking about how I used to be very spiritually connected. Around the time I moved down here, I was totally in a state of Trust and Faith. These days, I have my moments of connection, and when I have them they are great, but then a lot of the time I am just so not there. I was trying to figure out what it would take to get that Connection back, but I haven't really come up with a good answer yet.

In my last job I came across a woman who is a psychologist, but she specializes in spirituality, and I was thinking that maybe it was time to pay her a professional visit. I can live with just about anything when my spiritual life is in order, and the truth is, I am doing fine as is, but I know it can be better- and it has been better. I want that back.

relapse

I wasn't going to do it, but I did. I called my mother.

She had called me on my birthday and left a message (I was out of town), and then she called a couple of other times without leaving a message. Guilt got the better of me, and it felt less straining to just deal with whatever dysfunction she might present than wrestle with my guilt.

Happily, we had a decent conversation. The gist of which can be summed up with, "I am really happy mom...and I'm in love."

"That is so wonderful honey; if my baby is happy, I am happy." 'scuse me while I retch. It's great that I have a mother who wants to be somehow involved in my life, it's a shame she happens to smoother me in the process...and it's a shame she wasn't there for me when I needed her. oh well, what ya gonna do?