Saturday, March 28, 2009

helpless and hopeless

...that is how I felt around the time my dad died. It wasn't just his death; it included all of the crap that was brewing on the inside and out. Trying to deal with fighting for my dad's mineral rights brings all those feelings back, and suddenly, just like then I can't seem to figure out how to deal with them. Obviously, somewhere during my life I did learn to cope with my feelings, but I've forgotten, or the answers have been smothered by my panic and despair, and I become mired in stagnation.

The dangerous side of counseling

I try really hard not to 'self-diagnose' myself, and I can't say that I always succeed with success (thanks mistah prez). However, somewhere I've never gone is "oh, I must have ADHD"...and then I was reading the diagnostic criteria; damned if I didn't meet ever single requirement. No folks, this doesn't mean I'm going to run out and get medication...but perhaps a book (that I won't ever read) on how to best develop coping strategies to live a normal life. Pah! Who needs normal! We live in the Oprah Winfrey culture that requires everyone to have a Diagnosis. Give me my damn merit badge!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I am the Keeper...

...I am the Holder of Things. This isn't a title that I chose, but one it seems, that I have inherited. "My Room" is full of stuff. Much of it is mine, but much of it is the Stuff of Others. I have carried it with me for years. Unconsciously, but willingly. As I've started to sift through the Many Things That I Carry, I've started to see what I have been doing. As a result I've started to ask questions like; Why am I carrying my sisters' baby's pictures, and unknown aunt's graduation pictures.

Being the Keeper of Things seems to include carrying the guilt, the shame, the insecurities, and the fears of other's as well. I think that I am ready to not do that anymore. As I continue to sift through the rubble of Things That I Carry, I find myself now willing to let go of the material as well as the emotional Things of Others.

I am looking forward to being free; of only needing to find room for the Things of My Own That I Carry.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Grrr

OK, so remember when I told you about the therapist that told me I was too pretty to be a lesbian? Well, she worked at this agency that I would really like to intern at, and I was hoping that she was gone, but as it turns out, she is still there so I am screwed. Oi.