and still...it's f'ing hard

the level of hardness, the degree of difficulty
ebbs and flows.
but still, it is f'ing hard.

i am a deep pit of loneliness, trapped with a suffocating bail of sorrow.
until i really touch the sorrow, unwind it, live it, feel it, be it...
i cannot find my way out of this pit.

i am alone when i am alone...
i am more deeply alone when i am surrounded by friends.
each day i sink deeper...my shell gets harder.

some days i tell myself i will open up...
i will be vulnerable, i will connect.
but i don't...i just don't.

so, i sit in my sorrow pit.
i wrap myself in the loneliness...
because it is so much easier than sorrow.