Although I have very few boundaries in some of my social media accounts, twitter has been one that I don't divulge a lot of personal information. The other day, however; someone had posted something to the effect of "Hey men, if a woman identifies a sexual abuser/harasser she is giving you the gift of trust...so don't fuck it up." Perhaps all the shit that's up in my psyche just overflowed like a toilet full of shit, and that's why I replied "My brother showed me who he truly was when he remained besties with him (my abuser), but it took me 40 years to *see* who he (my brother) was."
I didn't really have any feelings about said discloser until someone commented, "That's fucked up. Anyone who hurt my sister would be come a statistic." Now this person obviously had good intentions, but the statement pissed me off, and here in my disorganized way are the reasons why:
1. My brother upon my disclosure called John up and told him he would "fucking kill" him if he ever touched me again. At first glance that might seem super awesome, but here is the reality:
a. a couple weeks later they were indeed besties again, and I had to hear about his buddy John for the next 20 years, including the phrase "You remember John, right?"-um, yeah, I remember the fucker every single day of my fucking life because of flashbacks and intrusive memories.
b. as a 7 year old, I took his threat to kill him very seriously and it scared the fuck out of me.
2. A few years back there was some survey of folks asking if they would step in if they saw someone experiencing a hate crime and something like 9 out of 10 people said they would. It has been my experience as someone who has experienced hate crimes that even when there are literally 100s of people around, no on fucking steps in, so yeah, everyone wants to fantasize about being the Red Dawn hero, but when it comes down to it, no one is fucking willing to actually do anything when they see someone being hurt...esp if it is a male doing the hurting.
3. Related to number 2, I have experience sexual harassment at work multiple times and the men around me did nothing but minimize the behavior (oh, he doesn't mean anything by it-meanwhile my manager has to physically restrain the fucker from pulling out his dick while he stands on the lunch table right in front of me.), and do nothing to stop it or confront the person.
So, in conclusion wannabe allies, just as writers are told; don't tell me, SHOW me, otherwise it's just meaningless bullshit to make you feel good about yourself, to make you feel like the big tough hero. Tell me about the time you have stuck up for a woman being harassed/abused/assaulted/terrorized, because I know there isn't a person out there who hasn't witnessed their bestie, dad, son, coworker, or fellow dude in line at starbucks engage in shitty behavior. Tell me about the time you confronted one of these douche bags.
Thank you for coming to my terry talk.
