Friday, December 14, 2012

bla bla bla, and bla

Well, there has been a slight delay in my clinical trial (2 Tylenol instead of 3) as it seems that I'm not quite cleared for vacuuming yet. Oopsie. When I made my last posting, I was kinda thinking that maybe if Chuck brought out the super-light hammer, I might be able to swing it around a bit to test range of motion. That so isn't happening this weekend. But that is not to say that I'm not continuing to make progress. Almost every day there is a little thing I notice I can do that I haven't been able to do since before surgery-things like using a screw-driver, reaching for things, fake-punching people (that one I've missed the most). 

The PT said that the PHX games weren't out of the picture, but I'm still not up to strength training, so I have to be content with the little victories for now. But, I gotta tell ya, I miss feeling strong. I miss being able to carry boxes, heavy bags of groceries...lift more than a 5lb weight...and just FEEL strong. I miss putting on certain shirts that were once snug around the shoulders and arms because of my muscle mass, and are now loose, flaccid.

I'll be honest; I feel myself slipping toward that slippery edge of despair again. My body is achey, my body is weak, my body won't/can't do what I want it to do. Here we are at that nasty place of loss of control...of helplessness, which so easily, for me, turns into helplessness. I don't like that about myself, but at least for now, it is a truth that I have to admit about myself. I discourage easily, I feel helpless easily, I get overwhelmed easily...and having finished up a week of dealing with other peoples' endless crises, I'm not feeling like I have a whole lot left to give to myself. Right now I can't turn to throwing shit for rejuvenation, but I can turn to chocolate, but I can tell you that that isn't do much to help my physical fitness.

So, here we are at the end, time for my big finish where I find the silver lining, or process what I need to and find the answer that was circling the drain. And I don't have it just yet. Maybe the answer is just learning to Be in the moment. Learning to appreciate what I have in the moment. Yeah, mmmm, whatever. Nice thoughts, but I just ain't there right now. Remember when "ain't" wasn't a word. Back in the good old days when times were bad. Gotta love Dolly. Maybe that is my silver lining-things aren't nearly as f'ed up as they were 20 years ago. I have a loving wife, a HOME, great friends, a community of friends, HEALTH INSURANCE, I'm not sitting under a table half drunk with a gun to my head,  and I'm 1500 miles from my mother. See, things aren't so bad.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Hammer Time

First off, let me just say that I hate the new blogger format cuz I can't figure out what the hell I'm doing. Okay, done with that.

I vacuumed today. With my surgery-fied arm. The last few weeks I've been getting back to being able to do a lot of "normal" activities without discomfort. That more than anything gives me hope of getting back to the activities that I ENJOY.

And speaking of which, when I was doing some range of motion stretches tonight, I decided to swing the cane around to see how far from being able to do the hammer I am. Surprisingly, in spite of the difficulty I have reaching across my body, at least with a basically weightless cane I was able to do some pretty decent rotations. Granted with a weighted pole that was tractioning my shoulder, I wouldn't do quite as well, but again, I am gaining hope.

I've been at 3 acetaminophen at bed time for a few years now just to be able to sleep through shoulder pain. In the past I've tried going without to give my organs a break, but that always has meant being kept awake by pain. Tomorrow I'm going to try 2 pills....I'll let you know how that goes.

Peace out.

Monday, December 10, 2012

pimping the pit

One of my recent goals (officially written down) was to be able to use my right shoulder enough to put deodorant on the other pit without discomfort. Check that puppy off! (now aren't you glad i didn't post an accompanying picture?) The second half of that goal was to be able to raise my right arm high enough to effectively apply deodorant to the affected side-I still have some work to do there.

On the diet front, I'm eating too much chocolate, and I know it. And I also know that I am still unwilling to do anything about it as it is being utilized as a coping mechanism. On a positive note, I survived the wife's birthday without succumbing to wheat. Dairy is another story, but I am ok with that for now.

On a final note, I had a really stressful day. The day started out with me feeling like I was doing some good in my job, and ended with me feeling like I totally f'ed myself by getting into this profession. And that is all I have to say about that right now.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

priming the pump

I love this photo. It was taken at my last competition, a couple weeks before surgery. I didn't throw worth a dang that day, but I had a great day, and that shot makes it look like I know what I'm doing!

I can report that I'm not in near as much of a funk as I have been. I did have a good night's sleep last night, and even slept in a bit...and I snuck into the gym yesterday. I was doing things that my PT had said we wouldn't do until my shoulder was more stable, but I paid attention to movement and to pain, and I think I did a good job of not creating any trauma while getting some more movement going, and starting to feel like I'm on my way back to recovery as opposed to just "undoing damage."

Diet-wise, I am working on getting back to a more solid grounding in Paleo. I will continue to have some cheats-like I am totally not willing to give up a chocolate (sugar), or honey in my coffee just yet, but I am restricting my sweetener to those two things. Also, before surgery I decided I was going to let myself have comfort foods...mainly grains...and it's been really hard to get off the "I'll cheat a little once in a while" jag which was really cheating at least weekly. I think I will allow myself a once a month sushi rice cheat, but no wheat, no oats, no corn, no way! (oh, and sorry Paleo Purists, I'm going to eat potatoes!)

It's time to start feeling better, and that requires action. So strap in kids, it's going to be a crazy ride!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

and another thing

I'm admittedly feeling a little negative today-work has been very stressful, I haven't been sleeping well, I have a tax bill from the state of ND hanging over my head, all of which makes Lu a grumpy boy. But I have to really say that my shoulder is way better than it was a month ago. Pain-wise, I have more pain free times than pain laden times. And I am starting to feel more motivated to exercise, and I AM exercising...granted not enough, but I have started the ball rolling. And for now, that is enough.

Progress

The lastest in the shoulder drama is that 1. I can put my arm behind my back, 2. I can pull up my pants without pain, 3. I can put my belt on with *relative* ease, 4. I can reach to the side for a glass of water, 5. I still have an impingement when in comes to moving my arm across my body. But number 5 gives me something to work towards, I guess.

I was having a fantasy about competing...hey why did my font change...anyway, fantasy. Yes, I was having a fantasy about competing in the Phoenix Highland Games in March, but after jamming my shoulder bumping into a doorknob last week, I have to admit that the shoulder is still going to be to delicate to be whipping around hammers and hefting cabers by then. Even if I have range of motion fully restored by early next year, I still have a lot of strength training to do before I can pick any of those things up without damaging either of my shoulders or my back. Last week I was taking it pretty hard, but this week I'm a bit more ok with it, perhaps because I'm looking at doing other things to occupy my time.

This weekend I met with some of the reinactor folks for "craft day." I'm not sure I want to get involved in all the political crap that comes with heavy involvement, but I'm digging on the idea of making things. I need to be *doing* things in order to feel...normal? healthy? happy? productive? something. I need a spark, as I've lost my fire, and perhaps I will find it with my new set of nerd peeps.

In the mean time, the rehab continues. Here's hoping the next time I post I'm able to say I can wash my other armpit without pain!