Everything is My Fault. The Gift from my Mother that Keeps on Giving.

My life revolves around the knowledge that Everything Is My Fault. I've been exploring on particular event, and I went exploring in the rabbit hole of "everything is my fault" (and because everything is my fault, this event can't be named for what it is, because that would mean it wasn't my fault, and clearly it was because everything is always my fault). 

So where did that belief about everything being my fault start...oh yeah-as per my mother everything is my fault (for example: she stayed with my dad because she didn't wasn't to upset me {and then her suicide attempts because she was so distressed from living with my dad were by default my fault}, we moved from WY because I was unhappy (really she was escaping her old ex-husband), she can't have anything that makes her happy because of me (there's a blog somewhere about her smashing all of her plants-its a super fun read)). 

I pondered the idea, "what would be like to navigate through my life not operating from a place that EVERYTHING (bad) IS MY FAULT?" And my first thought was that my life isn't really MY life because I am still driven by her...only now instead of my directly trying to save/rescue/take care of her, I am focusing my energy on avoiding her so I don't upset her (or me), and still trying to avoid doing anything that will upset her. 

 So, as I sit with this little gift from my mother, I wonder how much easier it would be for me to let go of the All My Fault filter when it comes to exploring things like my mis-adventures with men who should be locked up for the good of society if I wasn't carrying around the ball and chain from my mother. And I get that for many of us who walk this world in a skin suit designed for females the default setting seems to be "its my fault" or "i did something wrong" especially when it comes to unfortunate incidents with male skin suits (esp pervy male skin suits), but would i be able to escape or at least navigate the shame a little easier if my mom hadn't done such a good job of ingraining in me that it's all my fault?

Sisters

I have two sisters. Half sisters. My oldest had moved across the country by the time I was one year old, and although my mom and I lived close to her during part of my junior year of high school, we were never really close. As she slipped further into racism, the little connection we maintained for the sake of family was severed. My other sister (K), who is also my closest sibling in age at 9 years older has been since some of my earliest memories a source of chaos and terror in my family. Her volitility made even the most dysfunctional of adults in the family seem stable. One minute she loved you, the next minute she was screaming that she was "GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!" She would laugh in perverted delight when she caused, or attempted to cause me injury (piercing my flesh with her fingernails to see if she could get a good enough of a hold to throw me, trying to pour scalding hot water on my head, fun things like that. She is so unwell, and I feel sorry for her children who couldn't escape her. I was so grateful when she finally left home for the last time and I didn't have to fear for my safety. So, I have two sisters, and no relationship with either. One is the kind of person that is a racist hypocrite who I will never have room for in my life, and the other I am terrified will find me. On social media I'm incognito so she can't find me. I have alrady decided that when my mom dies I won't be going back for the funeral, and any time guilt starts to creep into my decision I remember that K will be there, and no way in hell will I expose myself to the utter fuckery that will ensue when she shows up in all of her glory. But the good news is that I have found my own family. I have my wonderful in-lawas. I have my wonderful friends who are my sisters, my brothers, my brother-seestras, and that is all i need.