Saturday, March 28, 2009

helpless and hopeless

...that is how I felt around the time my dad died. It wasn't just his death; it included all of the crap that was brewing on the inside and out. Trying to deal with fighting for my dad's mineral rights brings all those feelings back, and suddenly, just like then I can't seem to figure out how to deal with them. Obviously, somewhere during my life I did learn to cope with my feelings, but I've forgotten, or the answers have been smothered by my panic and despair, and I become mired in stagnation.

The dangerous side of counseling

I try really hard not to 'self-diagnose' myself, and I can't say that I always succeed with success (thanks mistah prez). However, somewhere I've never gone is "oh, I must have ADHD"...and then I was reading the diagnostic criteria; damned if I didn't meet ever single requirement. No folks, this doesn't mean I'm going to run out and get medication...but perhaps a book (that I won't ever read) on how to best develop coping strategies to live a normal life. Pah! Who needs normal! We live in the Oprah Winfrey culture that requires everyone to have a Diagnosis. Give me my damn merit badge!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I am the Keeper...

...I am the Holder of Things. This isn't a title that I chose, but one it seems, that I have inherited. "My Room" is full of stuff. Much of it is mine, but much of it is the Stuff of Others. I have carried it with me for years. Unconsciously, but willingly. As I've started to sift through the Many Things That I Carry, I've started to see what I have been doing. As a result I've started to ask questions like; Why am I carrying my sisters' baby's pictures, and unknown aunt's graduation pictures.

Being the Keeper of Things seems to include carrying the guilt, the shame, the insecurities, and the fears of other's as well. I think that I am ready to not do that anymore. As I continue to sift through the rubble of Things That I Carry, I find myself now willing to let go of the material as well as the emotional Things of Others.

I am looking forward to being free; of only needing to find room for the Things of My Own That I Carry.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Grrr

OK, so remember when I told you about the therapist that told me I was too pretty to be a lesbian? Well, she worked at this agency that I would really like to intern at, and I was hoping that she was gone, but as it turns out, she is still there so I am screwed. Oi.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

A treasure


So, for quite some time I have been thinking about this sticker that a friend had given me in a birthday card. In the card she had written that it reminded her of when she and I would sneak off to my mom's bar in between classes in college. For years I was thinking, "I need to go get another copy of that sticker...but it won't be the same."


A couple weeks ago, when I started going through my trunks I found all these old greeting cards, and one was from my friend NEECOLE, and low-and-behold, the sticker was still sitting in the card. I'm still trying to decide if I'll keep it for another 10+ years, or if I'll just bite the bullet and use it.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wiener Pig

OK, so here are my two favorite animals. Yes, that is a piglet suckling on a wiener dog momma. I think I might cry.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Pardon the piles, I'm finding myself

A while back I posted about the "Magnum PI" assignment we were given in my Career Counseling class. From that assignment I got that much of my life has been "boxed up". A couple weekends ago, I started un-boxing my life while in the midst of another assignment. This particular assignment came from a book I was reading for said class; Minerva Rules Your Future, which is basically a woo-woo version of the many self-help career-finding books out there (which is right up my alley). The assignment really had nothing to do with un-boxing my life, but it got me started, so who's counting?
During the "Magnum PI" assignment I also learned that "unless I can finish a project right away AND do it 'perfectly', I am inclined not to do it." Well, I have to say that this is not a one day project, but on a happy note, I have not abandoned it-I realize it will take time and many steps to complete.
So, I am slowly but surely un-boxing myself...which has put me in a slight identity crisis, but I know I am on the right path...I just have some slogging to do.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What is your super hero power?

This is a Jeremy-ism. Big J as my ex dubbed him is one of those quiet fellows who likes to ask questions that go a little deeper...he is not a "how is the weather?" kind of guy. One thing I got from Big J is the idea of 'what is your super hero power?' For example, one of his friends' super power is that the server always brings the check exactly when he is ready to pay. I started thinking about this again yesterday as I was hunting for a new box of Kleenex for my office. As I was hunting, I remembered that as with my current counseling clients, many of my massage clients got a good cry out of our time together. So, it appears that my super hero power is making people cry. I usually don't make children cry, but I often lie and say I do so that I won't be forced to hold someone's child.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

More on gay marriage

Sorry everyone; Chris and I still haven't set a date. We are thinking perhaps a late June Commitment Ceremony, and then a trip when it is convenient to the East Coast for a real Marriage Ceremony. For those who don't know, Domestic Partnership came up in NM. It passed the first round but during the second round Bernadette Sanchez walked out leaving the issue deadlocked for the time being.

Here is the funny thing...Even though people frak around with my rights, if I had the chance to vote on christian straight peoples' rights, even though I don't agree with their ideas, I would never, never vote to take their rights away. That is what it means to have "Family Values".

Thanks to CJ for the following link:

http://vimeo.com/3089746

This, btw, is post number 200. Woo-Hoo!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Long live the nerds




One of the recent projects for my class was to find three people, ask them to tell you things they like about you for 3 minutes, then tell them the things you like about them. Sometimes the touchy-feely crap gets to be a bit much, but on the positive side, Chris and I agreed that we like each other cuz we're both nerds.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Questions you should not have to ask.


When I demo fish oil, people usually ask, "Does it taste like fish?" I of course have to maintain professionalism, so my very polite answer is, "Well, it is fish oil, so yes you are going to have some 'fish' taste."
Then there is, upon seeing one of my tattoos, "Did that hurt?" Well, as Teresa says, "Are you ready for hundreds of little knives?" Uh, yes, it does hurt. Fortunately I have stopped screaming at this point in the video.

Better with age


This statue lives in a friend's garden. Every time I go visit I admire this statue. Today I asked if I could take a picture of it. She said that most people think she should get rid of it because it's signs of aging. She and I both agreed that she looked better for her age...she is the Sophia Lauren of E's garden.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

another picture

I'm not exactly sure what this is or what is says, but it looks cool.
I learned today that a dear friend may have a serious illness. I'm trying to remain calm about this, since the test results won't be back until Friday, but it is very hard not to have big feelings about the "what ifs". It has been a reminder to not put off the important things until 'later'.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Magnum PI

In my Lifestyle and Career class, our teacher gave us an assignment to go through our house pretending that we are a PI, and figure out what makes this person tick. Basically what I discovered is that much of my life is "boxed up", and I'm not just talking about things that I still haven't unpacked from the move. I'm not quite sure what all of this means yet, but it did disturb me a bit to make this discovery.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

An angel got her wings...




Well, she still has a little healing to do, but here is a preview. I'll put on my kilt for a nice picture later...

Friday, January 23, 2009




Well, I've been trying somewhat successfully to get back to earth after the trip. I have only seen one client this whole week, and my supervisor has been out sick most of the week. I have managed to do absolutely no homework, but am hoping to start wrapping my head around it this weekend. I am having a severe case of needing a vacation after the vacation. Speaking of vacation; here are some more pictures.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Alright, here are some pictures






Let's just get down to business.
While in Santa Cruz we ate, slept, watched TV, went to the Rosicrucian museum, and of course I got my tattoo. Once it is fully healed I'll get the updated Serra on the site.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

snore

Tomorrow we leave for home. We have decided to drive until our butts hurt, so I don't know if we will be home late tomorrow or sometime on Wednesday. I've decided that I want to move somewhere where I can walk to the places I need to get. It was very refreshing to be here in Santa Cruz where I could do that. On a completely different note; my tattoo is healing quite nicely and I haven't touched my homework.

oh. so we've been doing a great deal of channel surfing. It has been very disturbing to see all of the crap on TV. One new series, "Tool Academy", is a reality show with 20-something, ahem, "tools". How is it that Firefly gets canceled, but we get shows like Tool Academy? Thank Goddess for Tivo.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

greetings from santa cruz

OK, so I remembered the camera...but I forgot to bring the cord, so I will have to overload all three of you, my readers when i get home. My tattoo is complete, Chris and I went to the Rosicrucian Museum today, and of course, we have eaten a great deal of yummy food.

And what the frak is up with Battlestar?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Avocation

A few months back I taught a women's self defense class to some of the volunteers at the agency. The was the last class I've taught since, and although I love teaching I was starting to think that it might be time to retire...the truth is that I have spent more money than I will ever make teaching the class, and quite frankly I get the snot beat out of me teaching it...and I have to say; I'm not as young as I used to be.

So today, my friend Katy who set up the class peaks her head into the office where I am studying. "I have something kinda cool and kinda bad to tell you." I pulled my ear buds out so she could tell me her story. She then proceeded to tell me how one of my students and her mother were at the bank and some guy got into their car and tried to rob them. The mother froze, but my student remembered what I had taught her and proceeded to open up a can of whoop a$$ on the guy.

That right there makes the class worth teaching, so I will continue to ignore my doctor's wishes and I will keep teaching as long as the students keep coming.

See you in a week...

Well, Kids, tomorrow I leave for Santa Cruz to get Serra Avenger completed. Photo's to come. I will be bringing the laptop, so if I can get access to Wifi, which I would suspect i can in CA, I will be sharing the trip pictorially. Love and kisses.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

OK, I really am better now

2 weeks. 2 frakking whole weeks I was sick. I am happy to report that I really am better now, in spite of the many false starts I had. I keep trying to convince myself that it was better to get sick on my break than during school/internship, but I have a really hard time actually believing that as I was really looking forward to my break. I had no spectacular plans...I was going to rest (ok, I did do some of that), organize all the things that I haven't really unpacked yet, catch up with my neglected friends, organize the garage, and catch up on the stack of books that are collecting dust. None of those things got done...and I'm trying to be all Zen about it. But it ain't happening just yet.