Holy crap, i am so not ready for the cold weather. My joints aren't particularly fond of the cold anyway, but with this recent surgery, it's just another level of "oh crap." My hip is feeling better today after a week or so of not-so-happy after a rather unfortunate incident involving a runaway car full of puppies.
Still, no caber picking for awhile...still unable to like, say, put on my shoes without squawking in pain. It seems like a simple surgery like this should have a much quicker recovery...my friend who had a hip replacement a month before me has been doing full squats with weights for weeks now...I'm still on partial squats with a 1/3 of my body weight as per my PT and as per the sharp, sphincter spasming pain!
So, I'm trying to patient, I'm trying not to get frustrated...but, like Luke in Yoda's swamp; I'm not so much on the "doing" part as the "trying" part.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
ice cream, ho!
Food Addiction, Activate!
Um, yeah.
I'm trying to be good, but all I can think about is food. In fact I'm going to go get some more coconut ice cream right now.
Hope you don't mind if I type with my mouth full.
On the good side I'm not eating a chocolate malt with a bag of fudge stripe cookie 'spoons', but I sure as hell ain't eating spinach and celery either.
The further away I get from percoset...Thursday will be 2 weeks, the more normal-ish I feel, however the reality that I've had to leave my career, and I can't get a fricking job outside of that field is kicking my ass. Sprinkle on top of that that I can't physically do so many things that I enjoy doing...well, I'm in a snit. I feel like a big f'ing loser.
I had a nice lunch with a friend, and was feeling a little less loser-ish, then right after I ran into two women I went to massage school with...they both seemed to have their shit really together...like adults...and i felt like a capital L, Loser next to them. they're still practicing, they are gainfully employed, they have families and activities...me? I did practice til why wrists blew out 5 years into it, but since then...I can't even count the jobs...my resume looks like a fricking...I don't know...like something gross blew up on a piece of paper.
So here I am with my bowl of ice cream.
Um, yeah.
I'm trying to be good, but all I can think about is food. In fact I'm going to go get some more coconut ice cream right now.
Hope you don't mind if I type with my mouth full.
On the good side I'm not eating a chocolate malt with a bag of fudge stripe cookie 'spoons', but I sure as hell ain't eating spinach and celery either.
The further away I get from percoset...Thursday will be 2 weeks, the more normal-ish I feel, however the reality that I've had to leave my career, and I can't get a fricking job outside of that field is kicking my ass. Sprinkle on top of that that I can't physically do so many things that I enjoy doing...well, I'm in a snit. I feel like a big f'ing loser.
I had a nice lunch with a friend, and was feeling a little less loser-ish, then right after I ran into two women I went to massage school with...they both seemed to have their shit really together...like adults...and i felt like a capital L, Loser next to them. they're still practicing, they are gainfully employed, they have families and activities...me? I did practice til why wrists blew out 5 years into it, but since then...I can't even count the jobs...my resume looks like a fricking...I don't know...like something gross blew up on a piece of paper.
So here I am with my bowl of ice cream.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
go fish?
My peeps are at the field right now practicing for the Tucson Highland Games. C asked me last night if I would go to practice, but it's too dang hard to go hang out when I can't pick up anything without hurting myself. I've been trying to interest myself in more...sedentary hobbies since my hip went lame on me, but I just haven't managed to find a passion for anything just yet. And I admit, part of the lack of passion is in part due to how f'ing depressed I've been. I've got St. John's Wort coming out my ears, but I'm still depressed as hell. Some days the can't-get-out-of-bed depressed. Always swore I would never "let" myself get that bad...I would do something...make myself keep, well, doing.
If I'm going to be honest with myself, I isolate myself too much-and yeah, legitimately, there was a while during my recovery where i couldn't do much more than get from the bathroom to bed, but I'm mobile now, so I don't have an excuse. It's just back to that whole reaching out to people to do coffee, go to a movie, play cards...anything to get my ass interacting with other humans.
Well, good thing I've got my C, and my pups.
If I'm going to be honest with myself, I isolate myself too much-and yeah, legitimately, there was a while during my recovery where i couldn't do much more than get from the bathroom to bed, but I'm mobile now, so I don't have an excuse. It's just back to that whole reaching out to people to do coffee, go to a movie, play cards...anything to get my ass interacting with other humans.
Well, good thing I've got my C, and my pups.
Friday, October 11, 2013
meh
Yay for me. I'm not feeling as negative and crappy as I was at the time of my last posting. Not pooping rainbows just yet, but not as negative, and I'll take that for today.
I'm taking a little break from an online class I'm taking. I haven't committed to anything yet, but I've started taking prerequisites for a physical therapy assistant program. I've got just under a year before they take the next round of students into the program, so I've got time to try this on for size and take my time with a few classes.
Although I'm not pooping rainbows, here is my attempt at doing things a little different. Rather than just pretending everything is grand and wonderful, I'll be a bit more congruent, a little bit more open. A few weeks ago I discovered an emotional/spiritual/mental thorn in my side that I didn't realize was there. Pulling it out was like, well, pulling a giant thorn out of my side...I was freaked out, I was disgusted, and it hurt. I bled all over for a while, it hurt like hell some more, I freaked out some more...but it finally seems to be healing over...and I'm hopeful (this is a rare and wondrous word for me to be using right now) that pulling out that thorn will start to heal some of the septicemia that I have very unsuccessfully been trying to clear up for years. Just having a little hope today feels good, because I've been feeling pretty hopeless about a good many things for way too long now.
On this thorn picking journey a couple of themes have come up; one of them being "support." Which I suck at asking for or accepting. But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. When doing assessments I would ask about friends/support. I was taught to ask, "If you needed someone to bail you out of jail in the middle of the night, do you have someone you could call?" Pretty muchly, everyone I asked had at least a couple people they could call, but I bet if I asked, "If your heart was aching/breaking in the middle of the night and you just needed someone to reach out to you, do you have someone you could call?" that many people would say "no" or maybe I'm just projecting because that would be my answer. Back when I was new in AA, my sponsors told me over and over again, "Call me night or day if you need to talk." I did once. I was promptly told to pray and read some AA literature. Yeah, that was helpful. And it certainly reinforced that belief of mine that even if people say they are there for you, you can call them any time, chances are that a kick in the teeth is waiting in the wings. So, all that to say I'm not sticking my neck out to real, live people for support! How very healthy of me. ahem. yeah. ah well, part of the process, right? I guess part of the process is me learning who I can and can't count on for support...and right now I'm on the side of I'd rather take my chances of not getting kicked at all. I know support, trust, balanced relationships, etc takes time, and work, and taking chances. At least I'm thinking about it.
As they say in AA to the sick ones, "Keep coming back!"
I'm taking a little break from an online class I'm taking. I haven't committed to anything yet, but I've started taking prerequisites for a physical therapy assistant program. I've got just under a year before they take the next round of students into the program, so I've got time to try this on for size and take my time with a few classes.
Although I'm not pooping rainbows, here is my attempt at doing things a little different. Rather than just pretending everything is grand and wonderful, I'll be a bit more congruent, a little bit more open. A few weeks ago I discovered an emotional/spiritual/mental thorn in my side that I didn't realize was there. Pulling it out was like, well, pulling a giant thorn out of my side...I was freaked out, I was disgusted, and it hurt. I bled all over for a while, it hurt like hell some more, I freaked out some more...but it finally seems to be healing over...and I'm hopeful (this is a rare and wondrous word for me to be using right now) that pulling out that thorn will start to heal some of the septicemia that I have very unsuccessfully been trying to clear up for years. Just having a little hope today feels good, because I've been feeling pretty hopeless about a good many things for way too long now.
On this thorn picking journey a couple of themes have come up; one of them being "support." Which I suck at asking for or accepting. But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. When doing assessments I would ask about friends/support. I was taught to ask, "If you needed someone to bail you out of jail in the middle of the night, do you have someone you could call?" Pretty muchly, everyone I asked had at least a couple people they could call, but I bet if I asked, "If your heart was aching/breaking in the middle of the night and you just needed someone to reach out to you, do you have someone you could call?" that many people would say "no" or maybe I'm just projecting because that would be my answer. Back when I was new in AA, my sponsors told me over and over again, "Call me night or day if you need to talk." I did once. I was promptly told to pray and read some AA literature. Yeah, that was helpful. And it certainly reinforced that belief of mine that even if people say they are there for you, you can call them any time, chances are that a kick in the teeth is waiting in the wings. So, all that to say I'm not sticking my neck out to real, live people for support! How very healthy of me. ahem. yeah. ah well, part of the process, right? I guess part of the process is me learning who I can and can't count on for support...and right now I'm on the side of I'd rather take my chances of not getting kicked at all. I know support, trust, balanced relationships, etc takes time, and work, and taking chances. At least I'm thinking about it.
As they say in AA to the sick ones, "Keep coming back!"
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Crap
What to share? I don't know that anyone reads this, but just in case, I don't want to make myself toooo vulnerable. Let's start with: It's been a rough patch...for a while. It was a heavy blow to have to admit that the profession I had spent 3 years of my life, and more student loan money than I care to admit to train for was...a big mistake. Emotionally; mentally, I just couldn't do it. And I hear my brother's voice echoing in my head every time I think about it..."Can't you stick to anything?" Well, I guess I can't...you win, asshole.
I tried to make it work. I tried different populations, different self-care techniques...but I was getting sicker than the people I worked with. Admitting defeat sucks, but I have to face the reality that I just don't have the constitution for that kind of work.
And here I am, 9 months later trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm exploring some options, but I'm uncertain. I struggle with that whole "knowing what I know" thing. I'm struggling with the insecurity of having made one giant mistake and being terrified of making another. And the guilt and shame of not being able to get steady work because I look like a loser on paper...which makes me feel like a loser.
I don't have any positive spin to put on this today. If I tried, it would just be meaningless bullshit.
On another note, I've been sorting through my past...through old belief systems and habits...trying to resolve some things so that maybe I can go forth confidently...so that I can have faith that I do know myself, and my path.
It's been a damn slow process of cutting through the brambles, and discovering sink holes that I didn't realize were there. I've been frustrated, hopeful, hopeless, angry, content, sad, ashamed, but not yet confident. I try to put on a good show, but I know I'm succeeding less and less. And right now I don't have the energy for the show so I hide in my house, and if I have to go out I keep put on my Angry Armour and hope people just stay the hell away. However, I need to remember from my past that my Angry Armour doesn't work on the right people. Crap.
I tried to make it work. I tried different populations, different self-care techniques...but I was getting sicker than the people I worked with. Admitting defeat sucks, but I have to face the reality that I just don't have the constitution for that kind of work.
And here I am, 9 months later trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm exploring some options, but I'm uncertain. I struggle with that whole "knowing what I know" thing. I'm struggling with the insecurity of having made one giant mistake and being terrified of making another. And the guilt and shame of not being able to get steady work because I look like a loser on paper...which makes me feel like a loser.
I don't have any positive spin to put on this today. If I tried, it would just be meaningless bullshit.
On another note, I've been sorting through my past...through old belief systems and habits...trying to resolve some things so that maybe I can go forth confidently...so that I can have faith that I do know myself, and my path.
It's been a damn slow process of cutting through the brambles, and discovering sink holes that I didn't realize were there. I've been frustrated, hopeful, hopeless, angry, content, sad, ashamed, but not yet confident. I try to put on a good show, but I know I'm succeeding less and less. And right now I don't have the energy for the show so I hide in my house, and if I have to go out I keep put on my Angry Armour and hope people just stay the hell away. However, I need to remember from my past that my Angry Armour doesn't work on the right people. Crap.
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