Sunday, October 28, 2012

chapter next

Soooo, Friday after work I met with my new PT, Jennifer. 

The good news is that she appears to be as horrified as I am that at almost 3 months post-surgery I can't put my arm behind my back. The not-so-good news is that at almost 3 months out I can't put my arm behind my back.

She started me on on completely new PT routine so I'm trying to be hopeful that I will get back to 'normal' at some point. Right now 'hope' isn't something I'm having much of, and I realize that pain and lack of sleep have created both a physiological and psychological depression, but having that knowledge doesn't necessarily make it go away.

She also seemed equally horrified that the last PT told me, "don't worry about range of motion; just work on strengthening the shoulder." Granted, I need to strengthen the shoulder, but the fact that my range of motion is worse today than it was the week after surgery seems a bit, well, wrong. 

My goal is to be able to compete in the Masters World Championships in May, and the last few weeks I've started to think that maybe I wouldn't be able, even competing lefty, to compete safely. Today, I'm starting to give in to a little hope that it might happen. We'll see what the next few weeks have in store for me.

Oh, and I hate Braemar, but I have so been wanting to pick up a rock and throw it. Just saying.

Friday, October 19, 2012

To be content in the moment...is so not happening...

If one can be fully present in the moment, there is no room for worries about tomorrow, or frets about yesterday. This being present thing is a struggle most days, and today even more so because I'm having so much back pain that I don't f'ing want to be in the present.

Part of the problem with my shoulder rehab is that without my shoulder being functional I haven't been able to do the back exercises that keep my spine stable, so as my back gets weaker, my back pain gets worse.  And as this whole process ferments, the creepy, crawly, insidious Hopelessness seeps into my psyche, telling me that "I will never feel good again", that "I will never be able to return to the Highland Games," that "I will be in pain for the rest of my life and will just have to deal with it."

I'm not digging any of this. And as the pain in my back gets worse, guess what? The motivation to work out gets less and less. I know what I need to do and I will continue to do it, but I gotta tell ya, it's a big F'ing struggle right now.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

2 for 1?

(This was actually written yesterday, but my battery died before I posted, and before I really came up with anything entertaining to say.)
So I had a little visit with a hip specialist today. Seems I have the same crap going on with my hip that I had with my shoulder. Got a PT referral...hoping that this one can be fixed up with pt...not looking forward to going under the knife again any time soon.

I'm definitely feeling a difference in my shoulder from last week. Feeling stronger, better range of motion...the sticking point is still sleep...can't find a position that doesn't hurt, and during the many wake-ups last night I realized that I'm pulling my trap muscles up tight trying to seat the joint, which is just creating spasms in my shoulder and neck.

Now that my shoulder is feeling better, I'm hoping I can start doing a little weight for distance, lefty of course. Being physically in-active sucks. The end.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Aztec, The Day After

So I was in Aztec yesterday judging at their 2nd annual Highland Games. I picked a small group so I could drive home in daylight, and managed to do so. I found this set of games easier than Santa Fe as far as the whole "there's a caber-I want to throw it" thing goes. For this adventure, I was content with being a judge, and being with my Highlands Family.

What wasn't so easy...
Saturday morning when I awoke from a less than stellar sleep, and a cranky shoulder from a rock hard bed and not enough props, I had been dreaming that I had opened a micro-brewery and was able to 'sample' my wares, so I took this vague unconscious 'awareness' through my day. Being where I was and doing what I was doing, it was a day filled with people passing around a scotch bottle, and horns of ale. I had to continuously remind myself that for me, "just a sip" will never be safe, and that it was a dream, not reality that it was safe. Funny thing about dreams-our psyche (unconscious) doesn't recognize the difference between dream and reality, so although when we wake up we may realize that there wasn't REALLY a giant cobra biting our face, that doesn't stop us from balking at garden hoses the next day, or in my case thinking that a little sippy-sip will be just fine. Saturday was a reminder of how much of an anchor my wife is for my sobriety. I kept reminding myself that if she had been by my side I wouldn't even be thinking about a "sippy-sip" because alcohol is so far removed from our everyday reality-but unfortunately, with my Highlands Family it seems to be an integral part of the Community/Social dance. We all have our things that keep us on track, and for me a large part of what keeps me on track is my wife...I want to be the best person I can for her sake. In writing this, I realize that I'm still not as far along in that whole "being the best person for my OWN sake" thang. I don't really know what else to say about that. Perhaps the observation will inspire movement in that area. 

Perhaps.

As for the shoulder; it is a bit of a chilly day here in Burque and my joints are squawking. I did a few resistance exercises last night when I got home, but I think I'll be letting the shoulder rest and grumble for the day. I'm still trying to figure out that magical balance/formula of how much exercise to rest creates the greatest potential for healing. 

I'll get back to you when I figure that out. Any of 'that'.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

PT update

Good news! Me and Shen had a heart-to-heart and my happy little ass didn't go near the hand bike and physical therapy was much more productive! Shen noticed that my mobility and strength are much better-yay me. The biggest thing I have to be careful of, is apparently i am quite the gesticulator, and I'm flopping my shoulder around a bit too much-it's always good to have a PT who feels free to laugh at you-it really drives home the point. 

Yesterdays PT routine included 2lb weights over head, using a 'blade' thingy-which I was way too uncoordinated for, chest presses (3lbs-look out!), and some range of motion exercises. I'm still having a little trouble with keeping my shoulder blade tucked, but it is way better than it was. Oh yeah, and more kinesio taping!

The sleeping thing is still a bitch, but the last couple of days I can say that the general pain level has dropped from about a 5 to 2 as long as I remember to support the arm, so I'm feeling much more hopeful about things.

Today's routine consisted of nothing because my lovely wife was barfing all night, and I have sympathy exhaustion. I was thinking I might do a little something tonight after work, but I caught my arm on the door at one point and rotated in a direction that it isn't quite happy with, so I'll be resting, icing, and maybe crying a little when no one is looking. This weekend I'll have a good opportunity to work my range of motion with all of my judge-ees scoring 12:00s on their cabers!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Shoulder Saga

So, a dear friend made some comment about me documenting my rehab on my blog. Or maybe i completely misunderstood her, whatever, here I am.

So for those of you out of the loop, I had surgery in August following a Highland Games shoulder injury I inflicted on myself the week before the Rio Grande Valley Celtic Festival back in May. I knew when I did it I had injured myself, but I figured I would be alright with liberal application of various magic potions and some rest, but after a month or so of the pain and restriction getting worse, I finally figured out I needed a scalpel intervention. 

So...fast forwarding to today...I knew that rehab would be a long process, but I wasn't prepared for the many set backs along the way, nor was a prepared for the constant pain, especially the pain that comes when I lay down to go to sleep, and that dogs me all night long. Just to get you up to speed, I've had constant pain in my shoulders from bursitis and tendonitis for close to 20 years now, so I'm used to pain, however, I am not used to the new and improved pain. With the chronic stuff, I've always been able to find a sleeping position that works for a few hours or so, but with the post-surgery pain I can only find the REALLY PAINFUL, or A LITTLE LESS PAINFUL positions. All this to say that I am feeling pretty run-down, and ill equipped to deal with everyday life stressors these days.

Physical therapy has been another story. The week after surgery, I could fully raise my arm, and I was doing some moderate weight lifting. Since then I have lost some of that range of motion, and was told to not do any weight work as my joint wasn't stable. Certainly, there was a level of truth in that, however it really came down to balance, and I've realized I was listening too much to other people, and not enough to my body. This week I started back to moderate resistance/weight training, I have started using the sling throughout the day to take the tension off my constantly inflamed joint, and I am starting to feel better and stronger. I have PT tomorrow, which will start with a speech from me stating what I know aggravates it, and what helps. Number one, no hand bike until the head of my humerus is stabilized enough that it doesn't pop out of socket with every revolution, and number two, Kinesio my shoulder before we even start this party.

And lastly, the emotional aspect of this little ditty doo. Some time last spring when I recognized how stressed out I was getting at work I did a self-care work sheet. The one thing that kept popping up as a huge self-care item was my participation in the Highland Games. Well, guess what? I will not be picking up a caber any time soon. It has been a huge blow to not be able to do the things I love, and to be recently told by my doc that I might not be throwing for the Worlds Masters competition here in ABQ next May.  For me the games aren't so much about competition as they are a way to reconnect with myself spiritually, mentally, and physically. My world feels very small without my plug-in to the games. Fortunately I still have a connection to my throwing community, and I am able to connect by judging at the competitions, but whenever I walk by a weight I sooo want to pick it up and throw it, which kinda makes me not want to be involved. 

And to wrap this rant up, I do hope that by continuing to check in with what my body has to say, I can rehab my shoulder enough to return to doing the things I love in a timely manner. In the mean time, I have to figure out new ways of self-care (without writing 3 more paragraphs let me just mention that I do have other things on my self-care list, but the majority of them require my shoulder to be in working order) and I guess I haven't taken the time to figure out what those things are because I've been too focused on what I can't do. So here's to figuring out what we CAN do.