crap or get off the pot?

Um, yeah, so Rosa and I are supposed to be signing up for classes this semester..."Just some crap class so we can register before all the good classes are gone next semester." But, alas, I'm doing everything but. I've kinda lost my school mojo for the moment...one more commitment, in a weedy field of commitments...then there is the whole, "ugh, nothing is sparking my interest." Someone have a flint and steel I could borrow?
This goes back to my habit of spreading myself too thin...generally with things that don't really inspire me, or bring me joy...although for the most part, I would have to say that, other than work, most of my major undertakings right now are feeding my soul. However, I know that some further study would do that as well, the question is "what study?" Certainly I have some ideas, which aren't possible at the schools available to me at the moment, so how to make do?
Maybe I should sign up for the creative writing class so I'll get off my ass and have to recall how to construct proper sentences.

love/hate

What is with this love/hate relationship I have with my blog? I wrestle with the narcissism of it all, and the opportunity to have a voice (for all two of my readers to hear). And really, my life seems so boring after the 3rd post about how much I love highland games and my tattoos. Am I really so shallow...and/or hollow? There are things that I have to say, but I don't think I'm ready to say them, or hear them myself...so I guess this is just practice while I work up to what I really have to say.

sunday morning coming down

I'm trying to force myself to blog every day, just to get in the habit of writing every day...when I should just be making time to just write every day. My motivation needs a kick in the pants, my energy is being pulled in too many directions, and the fall weather has got the chronic pain kicked in to high gear-I think I need a spiritual/emotional high colonic.

meanderings of the half-awake

How do I create joy in my daily life? How do I create meaning in my daily life? I think the answer to the first question will, for the most part, answer the 2nd question. Yesterday I worked on having an awareness of creating joy while at work, and it certainly made my day much more pleasant. This will have to be an ongoing experiment.

I did have an external affirmation that I have been shifting my consciousness...a co-worker commented that during the day that I was gone she missed the positive energy I bring to the office. And that felt good...really good. The me of 20 years ago had no connection to "positive energy" that anyone, including myself would recognize.

I keep asking myself the question, "How long can I tolerate work that brings me down?" The answer the keeps coming is in the form of a book title, Man's Search for Meaning. It was written by a psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps-and it is my reminder that if I so choose, I can 'survive' quite some time, however, how long can I pull off the joy thing when surrounded by people who choose to embrace their suffering? I will work on surrounding myself with people who choose to embrace healing and wholeness. The world has had enough of suffering, as have I.

Gratitude

Last night I encouraged my group to do a daily gratitude list in order to start the day off in positive direction. So, I will follow my own advice, at least for today. I am grateful for my big comfortable bed, my loving wife, my silly pups, quiet mornings, mate tea, health insurance, spirituality, the opportunities I have been given (and have taken advantage of) to become a whole person, and supportive friends. I am also grateful for Maiden and the Crone metaphysical shop in Aztec-Eddie makes the trip I have to make up to the 4-corners for work worthwhile.

It is easy to see the things that aren't right in my life when that is my focus-when I change my focus to gratitude, the situations in my life are the same, but my perception of those situations changes. I create my own reality by my attitude...and for today I will focus on an attitude of gratitude.

thinking aloud

I have to travel to the far corner of the state today for my work, and I totally am not digging it. I've been trying, but obviously not very hard, to change my attitude about this drive, but it ain't working. It is physically taxing to make this drive on a good day, and I've been having some wicked hip pain that is exacerbated by sitting. Soooo, how do I make this trip tolerable? I do have some Pema Chodrin cds I could listen to on the way, as well as some cds on Shamanic topics, so I could at least use the 6 hours to my brain's advantage, if not my butt's. But the challenge on my plate is to find joy in every moment, so time to stop whining and start looking. Pardon me while I finish my cup of coffee, jump in the shower, and head off on my adventure!

Enjoying the stillness of the morning.

It is still dark out as I write-the pups are stretched out on the floor beside me waiting patiently for their breakfast. The world is at peace (at least the world around me), and I am at peace. I look forward to the mornings, to the time when I can meditate without interruption and slowly prepare for the day at hand. I wasn't a morning person until very recently in my life, but now it is a gift to be able to engage in the Stillness of the day. My mind is calm, my energy is calm-there is no need to rush, no demands to counter. I can just Be.

And for that, I am grateful.

Engagement

Hmmm, well don't have much to say at the moment, but I want to continue the habit of writing every day, so here I am. We have spent a long weekend out of town. It was nice to leave the computer, the telephone, and TV access at home. Too often I use the devices to disconnect from my life. They are a drug. (and yes, I am on the computer now, but only to do quick crack-book check, and a quick blog check in, then back to RL)

I've thought a lot about what I want to manifest in my life over these past couple of days of having no external distractions. One thing I know I need to work on in my life is reducing distractions. There are so many things/projects i would like to engage in, but there never seems to be enough time...but guess what? There always seems to be time to watch some stupid-ass tv show, or look up some asinine crap on the computer. So, my return home resolution is to spend more time actively engaged in life.

So, who wants to take fencing lessons with me?

Sometimes the journey includes a round-about

So, I've been working on the 'what next' question for some time. I have ideas, but struggle to really clarify the details. Something I was ruminating on this morning was my past life as a massage therapist. That has been one of the few careers I have enjoyed (besides teaching). I was forced out of that profession by wrist injuries, and like leaving teaching motorcycle safety, it was a huge source of grief. Interestingly, since letting go of the motorcycle safety, I can really feel the opening of my energy-like there is room for something else. Anyway, back to where I was going-during my career as a massage therapist, the energetic side of things was what really intrigued/fascinated me. I tried for a short time after I hurt myself to convert my practice strictly to energetic modalities, but my old clients wanted the old me. Part of my journey since then, has been learning who the new me is, and letting people who can handle and accept that new me come along for the journey, and parting ways with those who cannot. So, round about, here I am again, realizing that energetic healing is one of my passions-in the last few months I've had the opportunity to do some work on folks, and it seems as though the experiences for the people I worked on were profound for them as well as me. So the next step is figuring out how get this party started...AND FAST!

commence vacation

we drove up to Taos last night and are staying at the Old Taos Guest House-lovely little B&B with COMFORTABLE BEDS! Traveling is always an adventure due to my back issues, so finding a place with a good bed is a true gift.

The morning before the rest of the guests were stirring, I was able to do some more journaling-further exploration of what I want to do with my time on this earth. The theme that keeps coming up is simply to love and be loved. It seems simple, but I let so much crap get in the way. Am I willing to change? Yes. Time to put plan into action. I love you! Ha! Deal with it!

"Speaking of Narcissism, more about me" (Counselor Burn Out)

That is a line I used yesterday in supervision, as I've been taking a lot of time to discuss my struggles with my career. I was talking about how numb I have become to peoples' stories, and my concerns about how much longer I can continue my work before I become ineffective at what I do. I talked about needing to put energy into figuring out what 'plan B' is going to be, but it is obvious that plan B needs to be put into place now-so I dang well better figure out what it is, and quick.

So back to the question of who am I and what do I want to be. As I touched on yesterday, I got a big kick in the ass yesterday...I've been ambivalent about what to do about my position as a motorcycle safety trainer. It is something I LOVE to do, however it is also something that is very wearing for me due to some health issues. My certification was in danger of being dropped due to missing a training, and I was in the process of working with the director to figure it out, but then yesterday he sent me an email pointing out some of the issues I have struggled with. I realized then that is was time to let go, and this morning it really became 'real' for me. This morning I wrote him back, and here is a little snip:

It is a hard chapter to close for me because being able to be a part of so many peoples' lives as they begin their journey into the world of motorcycling has been an honor and a privilege. I grieve the loss of such an important part of who I've been for these last 8 years, but I will be taking with many fond memories and experiences...I only hope I can find the same passion and love for the endeavors I undertake in the future.

As I wrote those words I cried. As I re-read them again, I cry. I loved what I did, and this job helped me to realize how much I love teaching...and that it is something that I am really good at. I will not cry when I let go of being a counselor...I guess that gives me a little clearer sense of what plan B will look like.

dead dog lying, laying?

Feeling a bit melancholy this week. Perhaps it is the fall weather, or perhaps my discontent with my profession, or perhaps how poorly I did on the GRE...regardless, I'm a bit melancholy. Actually there are a number of "on-the-fence" issues I've been avoiding addressing, and one was thrust in my face today. For a number of years I have taught motorcycle safety, and the last couple of years I have pulled back for various reasons. I have continued to try to stay engaged for 2 reasons. One, because I really love to teach, and two because it is part of my identity. For some reason, it makes me feel special to be able to say that I teach motorcycle safety. I won't get into the pros and cons right now, but I can say that it has gotten to be very wearing on my body, for not enough pay off. I would love to be teaching, but I really need to find a way to teach that doesn't tear up my body. And then there is that GRE issue (sigh). Anyway, today I lay down my Motorcycle Safety Badge, and welcome the next adventure into my life.

Affirmations

So, last year I took a couple of workshops in Shamanic Journeying, and last year for Christmas I requested and received a book entitled Temples of Light, which is basically a book on journeying to various sacred temples in Egypt. Each temple has a specific lesson of sorts, and a writing exercise that follows. The writing from a few days back was examining lessons that I was quite through with, and looking at the lesson or manifestation that I was now ready for. Listed below are those things that I am now embracing:

I trust in myself, my abilities, and in the universe to take care of me.

I am surrounded by abundance. I welcome prosperity into my life in all of its positive manifestations.

My body is whole and healthy. I am comfortable and content in my body. Health and comfort serve me.

I am responsible for my actions, and my actions only. I can take responsibility for my actions in a confident way; making amends where needed.

I complete tasks at hand and embrace success and recognition. I manifest thought into completed action with ease and confidence.

I'll let you know how these go...

Dad and Love

So I was just skimming through my blog since I've been away for quite some time. Not too far down was a post about my dad (specifically about mineral rights). Anyway, I was just thinking that this last month marked 20 years since he died. And I would say that this has been the easiest anniversary. For whatever reason there has been some healing for me. Over the years the memories of the hard stuff have lessened or simply been put into a perspective that makes them easier. Yes, there is still some pain there-both that he passed and he never got to see me graduate from college; get my black belt; marry my soul-mate, and that we were both too f'ed up in our own special ways to really make the best of the 20 years that we did have together.

There is one specific regret that I've had much therapy on; that being the subject of not telling my father that I loved him. I've heard countless times in therapy that "he knew that you loved him," but I don't know that for sure, and it certainly can't cure the regret that I wasn't able to 'cowboy up' and say to my father, "I love you." So, instead, I try to tell everyone who can take it that I love them. (If you're listening Rosa-I love you-so deal with it)So perhaps that is the answer to easing of the pain of loss...appreciating the people in my life now, and letting them know that they are appreciated.

Who the heck am I revisited

Last time I examined the prickly question of "what brings me joy?" But the core question is really who the heck am I. I carry a number of labels, some that were given to me by others, some that I've picked up all on my own, and most of which no longer serve who I really am. They are like the old t-shirts in the bottom of one of my trunks from years ago that no longer are the right size, are worn beyond recognition, and/or simply don't appeal to me anymore-yet I still hold on to them for the sake of nostalgia.

So, a few statements/beliefs I have to re-examine:
1. "I am the shy girl." Granted, I'm still self-conscious around new people and often worry that I will say the wrong thing, but is that really being shy, or just still struggling a bit with self-esteem...because lets face it, the crazy chick who is stripper pole dancing with the high-bar at the highland games is not acting "shy".
2. "I can't finish anything I start." Are there things that I start, but don't finish? Hell to the yeah, however there are things that I do finish-my masters degree, sobriety (although that is an ongoing process, it is something I've managed to stick with for 16 years), hypnotherapy training, getting my black belt in Tae Kwon Do. However, it is so much easier to list the things that I haven't completed (which I will not do here, as it just fuels that nasty belief that I listed above)but what I have to bring into the equation from yesterday is passion. If I loose passion for an activity, there is no point in continuing said activity. At times in the past I have let the stressful situations I have found myself in sap my passion for the things I truly enjoy, so I must be mindful to not let that happen in the future.
3. "Jack of all trades, master of none." Master of none being the part I need to kick out the door. I put my irons in many fires, however it doesn't mean that I don't have mastery in any area. The reality is that there are some things that I am very good at, or that I have a great deal of knowledge about, however I have let others talk over me when I know more than them, or I have convinced myself that since I don't know EVERYTHING about a certain subject, that I am no 'master' of the subject. I know some shit, and it's time to embrace that fact,and be confident in that knowledge.
4. "I am broken." Do I have some scars? Oh certainly-some deeper than others, but I am not broken. I don't need to wear my wounds as a badge of honor anymore-instead I can be the kick ass chick from #3. I can just be-I can just be who I am today rather than a box full of shit that has happened to me for the last 40 years.

There are many more beliefs/labels to revisit, but that will do for today. Who I know that I am for right now: A highland games athlete, a teacher, a student of shamanism, a caring person, a smart ass, a lover of board games, and a woman capable of achieving her goals.

Hobbies and Joy

"So what do for fun?"
It's a question we all get asked, and most of us have a rote answer at the ready. I don't know about anybody else, but recently I've found that my answers may have been true 20 years ago, but really, I've lost touch with what it is that I consider fun, and more importantly, what brings me joy. I have been working on this list, but right now, it is a little slim.

I've let the stresses of life get in the way of My Life. I didn't mean for it to happen, and I'm not even sure when it happened, or if it's always been like this. What I do know is that life is too dang short not to live each moment to the fullest.

So here is what I can tell you that I find fun AND brings me joy: The Highland Games. Last year about this time, my lovely wife and I went to the Santa Fe Rennisaunce Fair, and there found the Highland Games going. Now to back track for a moment...shortly after I'd moved here (about 13 years ago) I'd seen the highland games and wanted to get involved, but had no idea how to do so. I'd searched the internet and never found anything that led me to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Fast-forward; when we came upon the games last year I worked up my courage to ask the fellow MCing, "So, how does one get involved with this?" Coach Chuck informed me that the group practiced weekly just blocks from my house. After being reassured that women were welcome (after speaking with Pattie R), it was on! Since then I have participated in 5 games in NM and AZ, and also become a certified judge. I've also gotten involved with the Rio Grande Valley Celtic Festival, and hope to continue my involvement.

Throughout the years I have had many passing fancies-things that I really enjoyed at the time, but at some point, I've just lost interest and/or passion. I am hoping with the games, that this will be a lifelong pursuit. One of the things that Pattie said to me on our first meeting was that "doing this has made me strong; not just physically, but mentally and emotionally." I have to agree with Pattie-I have come out of my shell in a way that I never have before through my involvement with the games. Not only that, I have met many people who have become important members of my chosen family. I have been blessed to find this Joy, and hope that I am able to keep the passion burning.