i leave you with this...

as I leave for my birthday trip to Taos with my GF.

The Buddha says, "It is fine to have doubt. Do not believe in something just because people think highly of it, or because it has come from tradition, or because it is found in scriptures. Consider whether it goes against your judgment, whether it could cause harm, whether it is condemned by wise people, and above all, whether put into practice it will bring about destruction and pain. Anything that you judge to be beautiful, accords with your judgment, is appreciated by wise people, and once put into practice, will bring about joy and happiness, can be accepted and put into practice." -Thich

yes i'm a nerd, part 2

Ok, so what could be more fun than wearing your kilt, meeting Jane Linskold, and getting to pose with a Storm Trooper? Maybe having a Storm Trooper outfit. But then, the kilt wouldn't got with the Storm Trooper outfit, so I guess I had the best of it all.

Taoism...

seeks to know the present and "now" situation intimately...Within Taoism, one strives to move in tune with the source of life. With Taoism, one seeks harmony with the fundamental essence of things. -Eo Omwake

I call myself a Buddhist, but really I am more of a Taoist, however most people haven't a clue what that means. The principles of living set forth by Buddhism are in line with the way I wish to live my life, but my core beliefs are much more in tune with Taoism. At some point I will say more about this subject. But not today.

Ever have one of those days...

where you can't seem to wake up? Well, I've been having one for about 3 months now. It gets better, and it gets worse, but it doesn't go away. And I gotta tell ya, being tired all of the time is exhausting...cuz you want to do stuff, and you try, but then it kicks your butt. My normal blood pressure runs around 110 over 60 or so, but of late, on the good days I'm topping off at 102 over 59. But western MDs would rather see that than high, so even when you tell them that you feel like crap, all they tell you is "maybe you should reduce the stress in your life...maybe a vacation?" Seeing as I don't have money for a vacation, I don't get how that is supposed to help my stress as I would be thinking about how I was going to pay for my vacation the entire time I was on it. Some people are really out of touch with reality.

the great thing about digital cameras...

is that you can take as many pictures as you want and not feel guilty...and you can take as many pictures as you need to get the shot right (and you know right away when the shot is right).

Above are two examples of former dilemmas. See, when Leah and I were together we would get our pix back from the photo place, open up our envelope and find that 20 out of 24 photos were of our dogs. And each time we would resign to take less pictures of the dogs, yet each time, we would do it all over again. Now I can take whatever damn pictures I want of my dog being cute, and if they are lame, which most are, I can delete them. No harm, no foul.

Also, there are those moments of wanting to get a perfect photo. At 'Con I got C a Hellboy shirt which came with horns. I thought she looked cute as hell in it, but she was feeling rather self conscious. After many attempts, I got a photo that I felt was a great pose for her outfit. And I got to take as many damn pictures as I wanted to get the shot. And then I took some more, and got another one that I thought was quite cute. And since I think she is pretty hot, I included it.

Yes, yes, I am a nerd

So, here is my friend Christie telling the tale:

C: Are you going to 'Con this year?
L: Um, is Jane Lindskold gonna be there?

C: Yup.

L: I am so on it.

And so I was. Sadly, I have only read one of her books (Brother to Dragons, Companion to Owls) but I absolutely love her. And after getting to see her on a panel and doing a reading I so love her even more. I wish I would have taken notes so I could share some of the soul-touching things...and amusing things she said, but let it be noted that she is an intelligent, articulate, passionate woman, and I am honored to have met her. Having been in her presence made me want to get my ass back to writing. We'll see what happens. Damn the homework. It is unfortunate that I was being too self-conscious and nerdy to have had an intelligent interaction with her...guess there is always next year.

Charley Brown update

Two nights ago I did some pruning on Charley. The top couple of feet were severely warped, also the little tree didn't really have enough width to support its height, so the trimming began. There was still quite a bit of a bend, so I have and orthopedic support to aid in strengthening/straightening the area that will be support the fruit and the new branches.

Friday

So I have finished my first week of internship (8 to go if you are curious). I really didn't know what to expect. One thing I did expect, and it did happen is that there were certain people that I wanted to take home, make a bowl of soup, and read them a bed time story. It is the blessing and the curse of human experience to watch people struggle to make their lives better, and see the many roadblocks that get in their way. Fortunately for my soul, I have figured out that I don't have to fix the roadblocks for others, but I can certainly be their witness to the struggle and the triumphs.

A good lesson I have learned along the way is self care. Self care hasn't been getting enough attention of late with moving, working, changing schedule etc, so this weekend I am going to Bubonicon (bubonicon.com) for a little nerdy R&R. And I will spend as much time as I possibly can running around in my undies today.

a question

Do you believe that you deserve good things in your life?

This was a question asked to me a couple of days ago. I couldn't say that I did 100%. In fact it still feels a little scary/weird when I get good things in my life. I am getting used to it, but it still has its weirdness. But I am ok with getting to a place of being 100% ok with the good stuff.

How about you?

adventures in cooking

Part I. Let me just say first off, that I am really grateful that my GF likes my cooking. We have a very similar pallet, so when I put a ton of garlic and/or lemon on something, we are both quite happy.

Part II. I had forgotten how much I actually like cooking. Two things need to be in place for me to like cooking, however. 1) I have to have the time/energy, which I do now that I have quit my full-time job, 2) I have to have the 'space' to cook. That includes energetic space as well as having everything handy that I need to take ownership of the cooking space. And I certainly have both of those here.

Part III. My ex Leah and I used to joke about my mother's (and my, for some time) recipes for a number of dishes. Sloppy Joes-tomato sauce, hamburger, salt/pepper; Spaghetti Sauce-tomato sauce, hamburger, salt/pepper; goulash- tomato sauce, hamburger, salt/pepper; Stuffed Bell Pepper... you get the idea. After my mother started back to having 'nervous breakdowns' when I was 10 or so, I took over the cooking...and I was usually the only one eating, so those were my basic recipes, plus mac & cheese. When I was in high school I started experimenting with spices and food combinations, and discovered that food could taste really good with the proper artistic flare. Please don't take it that I am saying that I developed into a gourmet chef, but the point of this whole thing is that I really enjoy being in the kitchen, trying to make something taste better than it did before.

one more...

Last night C and I went to our friends' house and went out for dinner. I brought the new camera along to Tracy and Lydia could take some pictures of us, since the only few we have are the self-hold camera shots, which tend to suck. Here is one that I liked...

today's adventure

Today Chris and I went to the gun show. I was hoping to trade one of my rifles for a pistol, but I wasn't really sure what I wanted, so after the gun show we went to the shooting range and shot some of her pistols. While I was unpacking more boxes, my fabulous GF cleaned the guns. Here is the "I can't get this frakking thing apart" photo. :) Oh, and this is a photo from my new camera. I like having a not-broken camera.

the path of Zen

I keep coming back to the same teaching from Thich Nhat Hanh. Not intentionally, but the same none the less: Aware of the suffering created by attachment to views and wrong perceptions, we are determined to avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views....Consider Mindfulness training as a clear mirror in which to look at ourselves.

These words seems so easy, so elementary. But their practice is so difficult. I find when I am hurt by others' words and actions that I spend hours thinking of all the ways I would like to either tell them off for hurting me, or simply to argue and yell at them until they can see my point of view. I generally don't take either of these approaches, and when it comes down to it, I do my best to not hurt the other person, sometimes to the point of not appropriately taking care of myself. I don't often approach situations in which I have perceived a hurt with an open Heart. I see that now. Perhaps I can start to do something different now.

It is often said in many circles that the characteristics you pray for will come in the form of lessons. So I guess I have been blessed with my lessons on patients, compassion and self care.

Charley Brown

So, you remember the Charley Brown Christmas

right? Charley Brown brings home the pitiful little Christmas tree, everyone makes fun of them, and then Linus makes a big speech about Love...and then they all decorate up the little tree and give it some TLC and it is the most perfect tree ever. Well, I went peach tree hunting yesterday, and I brought home my own Charley Brown tree. I have included the before and after planting pictures and will continue to post updates. I don't think the transition will be quite as quick as those that happen on cartoons, however. It will need some special fertilizer, some pruning once it acclimates, and of course; lots of TLC. The same could be said of most of us. May you all bless yourselves with the things you need in order to be perfect Charley Brown Trees.

the road home

This photo was taken on my way back from ND. I'm not quite sure what state it was, but I think it was when I took a quick wrong-turn in Wyoming. I do love an open blue sky with big clouds.

I returned from that trip to my Home. Before the trip, I thought of myself as not having Home; that ND used to be Home, but that there was no place that I had made Home. Now I know; this is Home. Part of realizing that I was Home came from letting go of ND, and letting go of my family. For those who read the post regarding not ever going back, releasing myself from my family; those sentiments still hold true. Like anything we let go of, I have my pangs to make contact, but I have to think it through and realize that I won't get anything positive from the experience. Some people I have told about dis-owning my family think that I have made an improper decision, that I just need to do more therapy or some such thing, but I don't. I have made the best decision for myself...there is certain baggage that I am ready to let go of. Now that I am Home, it is time to unpack the things I value and rid myself of the clutter.

gramma

OMG, I have gramma's boobs. Well, now I know. That however was not what I was planning on writing about. Gramma is the reason that I am sane. She was the ray of sunshine in my childhood. I know we all like to remember our childhood as nothing other than hell, but sometimes it really is more hell than not hell. I tend to minimize the impact of my childhood on my long term mental health, and I tend to down play just how frakked it was, but every now and again I am reminded that I am lucky to be as stable as I am. Most recently my therapist and I were chatting about my pending career in the mental health field and she emphasized that I wasn't going to run into too many single individuals that had experienced all of the things that I had, and that it would be an asset to me in working with others who also have a whacko background.

Back to gramma, I was just looking back at my childhood trying to identify the good times. Being with her was pretty much the only time I felt safe and felt loved. I've probably written about her before, but it is important for me to remember her and remember that there were moments that things were ok.

Gramma and her siblings were all put up for adoption in the early 1900's. She married my grandfather and raised 5 kids practically on her own during the depression while grandpa traveled the state getting what work he could. She homesteaded the badlands of ND, which let me assure you were harsh. Rattlesnakes, 8-9 month winters complete with several feet of snow, and winds that blew nearly all year long. There are many stories of homesteaders going crazy from the winds alone, but not her. She was a spit fire who always had a smile on her face, and she worked just as hard if not harder than any man, but she was never bitter or resentful, and in spite of all her hardships she remained a loving, joyful woman. I've probably mentioned this as well, but what the hell. Dad always used to say of the 4'2" fireball that "gramma could pick a grown man up, turn him upside down and drop him on his head." And I'm sure she could.

So, to answer Jeremy's question; my grandmother is my hero and that is why.

Getting old

Within my circle of friends, we have been discussing the blessings of getting old. The one that seems to come up the most is memory. Things like walking out of a room to realize you have no idea what you were going to do. Last night we were having supper with our friends Molly and Jason, and I had said to Jason, "I will get -bla bla- up on my blog". Do I know what bla bla happens to be? Not the slightest idea, I'm afraid. Oh well. Now what was I doing?

Me & C

So, I've finally gotten moved and settled in and gotten my computer up, so hopefully I will get back to regular posting. For the curious, this is me and my fabulous GF.

Aug 75

Wow, you wouldn't believe how hard it was for me to load this image. Well if you personally know my ineptitude with computers, you would. Anyway, this is a picture of me, my dad, and some long lost cousin of his. I don't recall her name, all I remember is that blond people freaked me out because I didn't know any, and she was the first one I'd met, and mom says that she was nuts and was flirting with dad. The stamp on the back of this photo was "Aug 75", which puts me just shy of 4. And shy I was. I loved my daddy and hated strangers...I think that kinda comes through in this shot. The bucket dad is holding contain testicles. I can't remember if he was "cutting" our young stallions or if he was taking care of some late calves, and I only mention it to gross out the squeamish who may be reading this. The square bale stack in the back ground was designed into a fort by my older siblings that winter. It had a "dining room" and a back "bedroom" inside. A table and several couches were also built into it by proper placement of bales in the interior, and one of my brothers strung a series of extention cords out to hook up a radio. To me back then, it seemed like this huge fort, but looking back at this photo, I realize the perspective difference...I'm sure my older siblings were ducking inside that thing, whereas it was the perfect height for a 4 year old. I loved that place, as did my siblings, but eventually their fabulous fort had to be fed to the cattle.

I work hard for my money...

This was a comment made to me by an ex girl friend in regards to me getting a tattoo. I was reminded of this comment when my current gf asked me if it bothered me that she spent "so much money" on her tattoos. Like me, she had an ex who gave her grief about spending her money on tattoos. Here is the way I look at it...I work hard for my money. My ex made twice as much money as I did, and I will say her job was a bit more cushy than mine, so if I'm working as hard for half the money, then I figure I'm damn well free to do with my money as I please, as long as I've paid all of my bills first. Secondly, at least in my case, said ex had a huge assed flat screen TV, full cable, and took vacations. I personally don't waste my money on such things, for me they are extravagances I can live with out...I would much rather save up what money I can for my private art collection. And really, what business does someone I have known for a couple months have judging me for how I spend MY money, as long as I'm not spending it on hookers and a gambling addiction?

Todd's Pen

Moving always means going through those piles of 'stuff' that litter our worlds. Piles of stuff that we carry from place to place, because 'someday' we'll need or want something out of that pile. I admire my friend TokyoRosa as she doesn't feel the need to carry around cumbersome piles. My piles are getting smaller, but I still have plenty o' piles.

Back to Todd's pen. When I was in college, my friend Brian found a pen with the name "Todd" printed on it. Rather than pocket the pen as most of us would have, Brian made posters for Todd's lost pen. Mind you this wasn't a fancy pen; no not a Sailor or a, well whatever fancy expensive pen. No, this was your standard white plastic bic with black lid, but it had Todd's name on it. So, the campus and neighboring neighborhoods were littered with posters asking; "Are you Todd? Are you missing a pen?" and so on, complete with contact information and even a photograph of said pen. I won't keep you in suspense. Todd did claim his pen. And now, I'm trying very hard to throw away the copy of said poster, but a voice in the back of my head says, "there is plenty of room to hang it on the garage wall". Hmmm. I think that's what I'll do...

the weekend

I taught a motorcycle safety class this weekend, and just as an aside, if was hotter than frak and I thought I was going to die. Still on an aside, I hadn't taught in almost 6 months, so this was a very harsh way to get back into. Now to the point; it is always interesting to deal with the personality mixes that show up in the classes. This particular weekend, the gang-banger court-ordered type dude was my favorite. He listened and followed directions, which is always a wonderful pair of qualities in a student, but he was also kind, appreciative, and personable. The class also had several brand-new students. With those students, it is always interesting to see who makes it and who doesn't. Of three older women who came together, one self-dropped from the class during the first exercise where we identify controls on the bike. The other 2 struggled through the next exercises and I wondered at what point safety would become an issue and I would have to counsel them out. Happily both made it to the end. One gal I suspect of ADHD, didn't pass but she made a good effort, the other one, wound up by the second day being one of the best students in the class, but sadly I didn't have a chance to tell her so before she left as I was so busy trying to explain to the other gal why she didn't make it. It is never fun to counsel a student out or to have to tell them they have failed, but when you compare what would happen if they managed to pass the class and didn't have strong enough skills to be on the road, you can console yourself that you are doing the right thing. I have never had to go to a students funeral, and I never want to either.