Ok, so doing much better after yesterday's melt down. Have to have those every now and then. At least I do. For now.
Yesterday was a good reminder of how the accumulation of stress, physical pain, and lack of quiet can make me a little crazy. I know for most folks the sound of the surf is relaxing and such, but for me it's just constant NOISE. Constant noise. And how I just need some silence.
And this is a good metaphor for my mind. Let me tell ya; it's like the surf up there in my head. Constant, powerful waves of noise. Fortunately, I am able to quiet the noise, but it takes a lot of effort and it takes having a quiet space for me to do so. Just like exercise and eating right, this needs to be a daily practice for me, this finding my own still point, but I easily get distracted/off track. Perhaps my public confession will help me get back on track, and stay on track.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
The impossble
Why do I blame myself for everything that goes on in the world? The guy at the gas station with the bad attitude, nuclear waste pouring into the ocean, the death of an acquaintance.
Wow, if only I had that much power! What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously?
Yet when it comes to the things I have power over in my life, I feel completely helpless...powerless...and because of that sense of helplessness/powerlessness I fail to act. Maybe it's the realistic powerlessness of the former mentioned situations that I attach to. Maybe it's easier to take responsibility for those things that I obviously have no control over, because...crap...I almost had it. Because I really can't do a damn thing about those impossible situations, so I don't have to feel bad about not taking action. The only problem with that little situation is that I still do feel bad about not taking action.
How f'ed up is that? I need to stop that crap.
The end.
Wow, if only I had that much power! What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously?
Yet when it comes to the things I have power over in my life, I feel completely helpless...powerless...and because of that sense of helplessness/powerlessness I fail to act. Maybe it's the realistic powerlessness of the former mentioned situations that I attach to. Maybe it's easier to take responsibility for those things that I obviously have no control over, because...crap...I almost had it. Because I really can't do a damn thing about those impossible situations, so I don't have to feel bad about not taking action. The only problem with that little situation is that I still do feel bad about not taking action.
How f'ed up is that? I need to stop that crap.
The end.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Perspective
No game posts today. Just random thoughts bounces through my head like a rabid pinball machine.
Last night Chris and I visited one of her college friends and stayed up waaaay past our bedtime laughing, telling stories, playing darts, and smoking cigars. A few blocks away from her house C got a text and we figured it was her sending a last-word hysterical text.
Instead it was a text from C's coworker T who I had met last week, along with T's partner J. When we went out that night I was thinking that C and I don't have many lezzie-couple friends, and that these 2 would be a great addition to our small circle. They were funny, they were in to fitness, unlike me they were both gainfully employes...perfect, right?
Back to the text...so T was asking if we were coming to the J's memorial. WTF?!? So we googled J thinking we must be misunderstanding the text. Nope. No misunderstanding. We're still unclear of the details other than J passed last week, and T is devastated..."heart-broken"...and our heart is aching for her...and we're hundreds of miles away and can only offer words and positive energy, and hope they are enough for now.
Moments like these, I realize how much of a control freak I am because I want so bad to make it better, but there's not a damn thing I can really do...except hold a space. And appreciate my own loved ones...and let them know how much they are appreciated.
Last night Chris and I visited one of her college friends and stayed up waaaay past our bedtime laughing, telling stories, playing darts, and smoking cigars. A few blocks away from her house C got a text and we figured it was her sending a last-word hysterical text.
Instead it was a text from C's coworker T who I had met last week, along with T's partner J. When we went out that night I was thinking that C and I don't have many lezzie-couple friends, and that these 2 would be a great addition to our small circle. They were funny, they were in to fitness, unlike me they were both gainfully employes...perfect, right?
Back to the text...so T was asking if we were coming to the J's memorial. WTF?!? So we googled J thinking we must be misunderstanding the text. Nope. No misunderstanding. We're still unclear of the details other than J passed last week, and T is devastated..."heart-broken"...and our heart is aching for her...and we're hundreds of miles away and can only offer words and positive energy, and hope they are enough for now.
Moments like these, I realize how much of a control freak I am because I want so bad to make it better, but there's not a damn thing I can really do...except hold a space. And appreciate my own loved ones...and let them know how much they are appreciated.
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