bla bla bla, and bla

Well, there has been a slight delay in my clinical trial (2 Tylenol instead of 3) as it seems that I'm not quite cleared for vacuuming yet. Oopsie. When I made my last posting, I was kinda thinking that maybe if Chuck brought out the super-light hammer, I might be able to swing it around a bit to test range of motion. That so isn't happening this weekend. But that is not to say that I'm not continuing to make progress. Almost every day there is a little thing I notice I can do that I haven't been able to do since before surgery-things like using a screw-driver, reaching for things, fake-punching people (that one I've missed the most). 

The PT said that the PHX games weren't out of the picture, but I'm still not up to strength training, so I have to be content with the little victories for now. But, I gotta tell ya, I miss feeling strong. I miss being able to carry boxes, heavy bags of groceries...lift more than a 5lb weight...and just FEEL strong. I miss putting on certain shirts that were once snug around the shoulders and arms because of my muscle mass, and are now loose, flaccid.

I'll be honest; I feel myself slipping toward that slippery edge of despair again. My body is achey, my body is weak, my body won't/can't do what I want it to do. Here we are at that nasty place of loss of control...of helplessness, which so easily, for me, turns into helplessness. I don't like that about myself, but at least for now, it is a truth that I have to admit about myself. I discourage easily, I feel helpless easily, I get overwhelmed easily...and having finished up a week of dealing with other peoples' endless crises, I'm not feeling like I have a whole lot left to give to myself. Right now I can't turn to throwing shit for rejuvenation, but I can turn to chocolate, but I can tell you that that isn't do much to help my physical fitness.

So, here we are at the end, time for my big finish where I find the silver lining, or process what I need to and find the answer that was circling the drain. And I don't have it just yet. Maybe the answer is just learning to Be in the moment. Learning to appreciate what I have in the moment. Yeah, mmmm, whatever. Nice thoughts, but I just ain't there right now. Remember when "ain't" wasn't a word. Back in the good old days when times were bad. Gotta love Dolly. Maybe that is my silver lining-things aren't nearly as f'ed up as they were 20 years ago. I have a loving wife, a HOME, great friends, a community of friends, HEALTH INSURANCE, I'm not sitting under a table half drunk with a gun to my head,  and I'm 1500 miles from my mother. See, things aren't so bad.

Hammer Time

First off, let me just say that I hate the new blogger format cuz I can't figure out what the hell I'm doing. Okay, done with that.

I vacuumed today. With my surgery-fied arm. The last few weeks I've been getting back to being able to do a lot of "normal" activities without discomfort. That more than anything gives me hope of getting back to the activities that I ENJOY.

And speaking of which, when I was doing some range of motion stretches tonight, I decided to swing the cane around to see how far from being able to do the hammer I am. Surprisingly, in spite of the difficulty I have reaching across my body, at least with a basically weightless cane I was able to do some pretty decent rotations. Granted with a weighted pole that was tractioning my shoulder, I wouldn't do quite as well, but again, I am gaining hope.

I've been at 3 acetaminophen at bed time for a few years now just to be able to sleep through shoulder pain. In the past I've tried going without to give my organs a break, but that always has meant being kept awake by pain. Tomorrow I'm going to try 2 pills....I'll let you know how that goes.

Peace out.

pimping the pit

One of my recent goals (officially written down) was to be able to use my right shoulder enough to put deodorant on the other pit without discomfort. Check that puppy off! (now aren't you glad i didn't post an accompanying picture?) The second half of that goal was to be able to raise my right arm high enough to effectively apply deodorant to the affected side-I still have some work to do there.

On the diet front, I'm eating too much chocolate, and I know it. And I also know that I am still unwilling to do anything about it as it is being utilized as a coping mechanism. On a positive note, I survived the wife's birthday without succumbing to wheat. Dairy is another story, but I am ok with that for now.

On a final note, I had a really stressful day. The day started out with me feeling like I was doing some good in my job, and ended with me feeling like I totally f'ed myself by getting into this profession. And that is all I have to say about that right now.

priming the pump

I love this photo. It was taken at my last competition, a couple weeks before surgery. I didn't throw worth a dang that day, but I had a great day, and that shot makes it look like I know what I'm doing!

I can report that I'm not in near as much of a funk as I have been. I did have a good night's sleep last night, and even slept in a bit...and I snuck into the gym yesterday. I was doing things that my PT had said we wouldn't do until my shoulder was more stable, but I paid attention to movement and to pain, and I think I did a good job of not creating any trauma while getting some more movement going, and starting to feel like I'm on my way back to recovery as opposed to just "undoing damage."

Diet-wise, I am working on getting back to a more solid grounding in Paleo. I will continue to have some cheats-like I am totally not willing to give up a chocolate (sugar), or honey in my coffee just yet, but I am restricting my sweetener to those two things. Also, before surgery I decided I was going to let myself have comfort foods...mainly grains...and it's been really hard to get off the "I'll cheat a little once in a while" jag which was really cheating at least weekly. I think I will allow myself a once a month sushi rice cheat, but no wheat, no oats, no corn, no way! (oh, and sorry Paleo Purists, I'm going to eat potatoes!)

It's time to start feeling better, and that requires action. So strap in kids, it's going to be a crazy ride!

and another thing

I'm admittedly feeling a little negative today-work has been very stressful, I haven't been sleeping well, I have a tax bill from the state of ND hanging over my head, all of which makes Lu a grumpy boy. But I have to really say that my shoulder is way better than it was a month ago. Pain-wise, I have more pain free times than pain laden times. And I am starting to feel more motivated to exercise, and I AM exercising...granted not enough, but I have started the ball rolling. And for now, that is enough.

Progress

The lastest in the shoulder drama is that 1. I can put my arm behind my back, 2. I can pull up my pants without pain, 3. I can put my belt on with *relative* ease, 4. I can reach to the side for a glass of water, 5. I still have an impingement when in comes to moving my arm across my body. But number 5 gives me something to work towards, I guess.

I was having a fantasy about competing...hey why did my font change...anyway, fantasy. Yes, I was having a fantasy about competing in the Phoenix Highland Games in March, but after jamming my shoulder bumping into a doorknob last week, I have to admit that the shoulder is still going to be to delicate to be whipping around hammers and hefting cabers by then. Even if I have range of motion fully restored by early next year, I still have a lot of strength training to do before I can pick any of those things up without damaging either of my shoulders or my back. Last week I was taking it pretty hard, but this week I'm a bit more ok with it, perhaps because I'm looking at doing other things to occupy my time.

This weekend I met with some of the reinactor folks for "craft day." I'm not sure I want to get involved in all the political crap that comes with heavy involvement, but I'm digging on the idea of making things. I need to be *doing* things in order to feel...normal? healthy? happy? productive? something. I need a spark, as I've lost my fire, and perhaps I will find it with my new set of nerd peeps.

In the mean time, the rehab continues. Here's hoping the next time I post I'm able to say I can wash my other armpit without pain!

chapter next

Soooo, Friday after work I met with my new PT, Jennifer. 

The good news is that she appears to be as horrified as I am that at almost 3 months post-surgery I can't put my arm behind my back. The not-so-good news is that at almost 3 months out I can't put my arm behind my back.

She started me on on completely new PT routine so I'm trying to be hopeful that I will get back to 'normal' at some point. Right now 'hope' isn't something I'm having much of, and I realize that pain and lack of sleep have created both a physiological and psychological depression, but having that knowledge doesn't necessarily make it go away.

She also seemed equally horrified that the last PT told me, "don't worry about range of motion; just work on strengthening the shoulder." Granted, I need to strengthen the shoulder, but the fact that my range of motion is worse today than it was the week after surgery seems a bit, well, wrong. 

My goal is to be able to compete in the Masters World Championships in May, and the last few weeks I've started to think that maybe I wouldn't be able, even competing lefty, to compete safely. Today, I'm starting to give in to a little hope that it might happen. We'll see what the next few weeks have in store for me.

Oh, and I hate Braemar, but I have so been wanting to pick up a rock and throw it. Just saying.

To be content in the moment...is so not happening...

If one can be fully present in the moment, there is no room for worries about tomorrow, or frets about yesterday. This being present thing is a struggle most days, and today even more so because I'm having so much back pain that I don't f'ing want to be in the present.

Part of the problem with my shoulder rehab is that without my shoulder being functional I haven't been able to do the back exercises that keep my spine stable, so as my back gets weaker, my back pain gets worse.  And as this whole process ferments, the creepy, crawly, insidious Hopelessness seeps into my psyche, telling me that "I will never feel good again", that "I will never be able to return to the Highland Games," that "I will be in pain for the rest of my life and will just have to deal with it."

I'm not digging any of this. And as the pain in my back gets worse, guess what? The motivation to work out gets less and less. I know what I need to do and I will continue to do it, but I gotta tell ya, it's a big F'ing struggle right now.

2 for 1?

(This was actually written yesterday, but my battery died before I posted, and before I really came up with anything entertaining to say.)
So I had a little visit with a hip specialist today. Seems I have the same crap going on with my hip that I had with my shoulder. Got a PT referral...hoping that this one can be fixed up with pt...not looking forward to going under the knife again any time soon.

I'm definitely feeling a difference in my shoulder from last week. Feeling stronger, better range of motion...the sticking point is still sleep...can't find a position that doesn't hurt, and during the many wake-ups last night I realized that I'm pulling my trap muscles up tight trying to seat the joint, which is just creating spasms in my shoulder and neck.

Now that my shoulder is feeling better, I'm hoping I can start doing a little weight for distance, lefty of course. Being physically in-active sucks. The end.

Aztec, The Day After

So I was in Aztec yesterday judging at their 2nd annual Highland Games. I picked a small group so I could drive home in daylight, and managed to do so. I found this set of games easier than Santa Fe as far as the whole "there's a caber-I want to throw it" thing goes. For this adventure, I was content with being a judge, and being with my Highlands Family.

What wasn't so easy...
Saturday morning when I awoke from a less than stellar sleep, and a cranky shoulder from a rock hard bed and not enough props, I had been dreaming that I had opened a micro-brewery and was able to 'sample' my wares, so I took this vague unconscious 'awareness' through my day. Being where I was and doing what I was doing, it was a day filled with people passing around a scotch bottle, and horns of ale. I had to continuously remind myself that for me, "just a sip" will never be safe, and that it was a dream, not reality that it was safe. Funny thing about dreams-our psyche (unconscious) doesn't recognize the difference between dream and reality, so although when we wake up we may realize that there wasn't REALLY a giant cobra biting our face, that doesn't stop us from balking at garden hoses the next day, or in my case thinking that a little sippy-sip will be just fine. Saturday was a reminder of how much of an anchor my wife is for my sobriety. I kept reminding myself that if she had been by my side I wouldn't even be thinking about a "sippy-sip" because alcohol is so far removed from our everyday reality-but unfortunately, with my Highlands Family it seems to be an integral part of the Community/Social dance. We all have our things that keep us on track, and for me a large part of what keeps me on track is my wife...I want to be the best person I can for her sake. In writing this, I realize that I'm still not as far along in that whole "being the best person for my OWN sake" thang. I don't really know what else to say about that. Perhaps the observation will inspire movement in that area. 

Perhaps.

As for the shoulder; it is a bit of a chilly day here in Burque and my joints are squawking. I did a few resistance exercises last night when I got home, but I think I'll be letting the shoulder rest and grumble for the day. I'm still trying to figure out that magical balance/formula of how much exercise to rest creates the greatest potential for healing. 

I'll get back to you when I figure that out. Any of 'that'.

PT update

Good news! Me and Shen had a heart-to-heart and my happy little ass didn't go near the hand bike and physical therapy was much more productive! Shen noticed that my mobility and strength are much better-yay me. The biggest thing I have to be careful of, is apparently i am quite the gesticulator, and I'm flopping my shoulder around a bit too much-it's always good to have a PT who feels free to laugh at you-it really drives home the point. 

Yesterdays PT routine included 2lb weights over head, using a 'blade' thingy-which I was way too uncoordinated for, chest presses (3lbs-look out!), and some range of motion exercises. I'm still having a little trouble with keeping my shoulder blade tucked, but it is way better than it was. Oh yeah, and more kinesio taping!

The sleeping thing is still a bitch, but the last couple of days I can say that the general pain level has dropped from about a 5 to 2 as long as I remember to support the arm, so I'm feeling much more hopeful about things.

Today's routine consisted of nothing because my lovely wife was barfing all night, and I have sympathy exhaustion. I was thinking I might do a little something tonight after work, but I caught my arm on the door at one point and rotated in a direction that it isn't quite happy with, so I'll be resting, icing, and maybe crying a little when no one is looking. This weekend I'll have a good opportunity to work my range of motion with all of my judge-ees scoring 12:00s on their cabers!

The Shoulder Saga

So, a dear friend made some comment about me documenting my rehab on my blog. Or maybe i completely misunderstood her, whatever, here I am.

So for those of you out of the loop, I had surgery in August following a Highland Games shoulder injury I inflicted on myself the week before the Rio Grande Valley Celtic Festival back in May. I knew when I did it I had injured myself, but I figured I would be alright with liberal application of various magic potions and some rest, but after a month or so of the pain and restriction getting worse, I finally figured out I needed a scalpel intervention. 

So...fast forwarding to today...I knew that rehab would be a long process, but I wasn't prepared for the many set backs along the way, nor was a prepared for the constant pain, especially the pain that comes when I lay down to go to sleep, and that dogs me all night long. Just to get you up to speed, I've had constant pain in my shoulders from bursitis and tendonitis for close to 20 years now, so I'm used to pain, however, I am not used to the new and improved pain. With the chronic stuff, I've always been able to find a sleeping position that works for a few hours or so, but with the post-surgery pain I can only find the REALLY PAINFUL, or A LITTLE LESS PAINFUL positions. All this to say that I am feeling pretty run-down, and ill equipped to deal with everyday life stressors these days.

Physical therapy has been another story. The week after surgery, I could fully raise my arm, and I was doing some moderate weight lifting. Since then I have lost some of that range of motion, and was told to not do any weight work as my joint wasn't stable. Certainly, there was a level of truth in that, however it really came down to balance, and I've realized I was listening too much to other people, and not enough to my body. This week I started back to moderate resistance/weight training, I have started using the sling throughout the day to take the tension off my constantly inflamed joint, and I am starting to feel better and stronger. I have PT tomorrow, which will start with a speech from me stating what I know aggravates it, and what helps. Number one, no hand bike until the head of my humerus is stabilized enough that it doesn't pop out of socket with every revolution, and number two, Kinesio my shoulder before we even start this party.

And lastly, the emotional aspect of this little ditty doo. Some time last spring when I recognized how stressed out I was getting at work I did a self-care work sheet. The one thing that kept popping up as a huge self-care item was my participation in the Highland Games. Well, guess what? I will not be picking up a caber any time soon. It has been a huge blow to not be able to do the things I love, and to be recently told by my doc that I might not be throwing for the Worlds Masters competition here in ABQ next May.  For me the games aren't so much about competition as they are a way to reconnect with myself spiritually, mentally, and physically. My world feels very small without my plug-in to the games. Fortunately I still have a connection to my throwing community, and I am able to connect by judging at the competitions, but whenever I walk by a weight I sooo want to pick it up and throw it, which kinda makes me not want to be involved. 

And to wrap this rant up, I do hope that by continuing to check in with what my body has to say, I can rehab my shoulder enough to return to doing the things I love in a timely manner. In the mean time, I have to figure out new ways of self-care (without writing 3 more paragraphs let me just mention that I do have other things on my self-care list, but the majority of them require my shoulder to be in working order) and I guess I haven't taken the time to figure out what those things are because I've been too focused on what I can't do. So here's to figuring out what we CAN do.

Punching the "Never Again" voice in the Face. Hard.

Recovering from a summer cold...recovering very slowly from a summer cold. Getting sick has this nasty way of insidiously creeping into my psyche and convincing me that I WILL NEVER BE WELL AGAIN, or that I WILL LOSE ALL THE PROGRESS I HAVE MADE IN MY STRENGTH TRAINING. It's an annoying little voice, and a stubborn little voice, but I worked on quieting it this morning with a workout. Not the greatest workout, but a workout none-the-less. And just for today, I will work on eating a bit more healthy. And tomorrow, I will start the day saying "Just for today, I will have a better diet." And that's not to say that I've been eating like crap, but I will admit to having three cups of coffee a day complete with a teaspoon of honey a couple of times while sick just for the sake of emotional comfort. Yes kids, I am an emotional eater-I seek my comfort from sugar and flour, however for the last two months or so, I've settled for honey, coconut milk, and potatoes. I've worked on balancing "food is fuel" with, "damn it, life is too short to eat things that taste like dog crap" but it will be an ongoing struggle, and I guess I'll just have to keep learning to mindfully deal.

Being Happy in the Moment

This year has given me plenty of opportunities to practice this concept, however, I have to admit that I haven't been a very good student. I forget that during the difficult moments I should work on that concept-take a deep breath, think about what situations i have control over and act accordingly, and let go of those things that I don't have control over. My day job should be a good reminder to stop my Wild Mind and appreciate the good things that are going on in my life, but my habit of getting caught up in the chaos is still tripping me up and dropping me in the mud puddle. The reality is that my life is good; I have a wife who loves me, a great house, loving pups, a job with benefits, the joy of throwing heavy things while wearing a kilt, my Highland Games family, and many an idea for what I would like to do in the future. Admittedly, much of my turbulence comes from the later...more precisely the my difficulty with follow-through with putting into place my ideas. I think I need a life coach.

What would I do if I wasn't Afraid?

I'm listening to an interview w/ Queen Oprah, and she was talking about asking herself when the fear came up about running her own network. It is a question that I am not unfamiliar with, but one I don't sit down and really think about often enough. As much as I hate to admit it, even today many of my decisions are based on attempting to avoid fear-and the reality is that I don't, and more importantly, the more I avoid fear, the bigger FEAR gets.

So what would I do if I wasn't afraid? I've been sitting with the question for several minutes, and a couple of themes continually surface; quit my job, go back to school, start a shamanic healing practice. The former and the latter go hand-in-hand, but reality keeps coming into play; I need to be able to pay off my students loans, and I kinda need health insurance-neither of which would be happening for a while if I quit my job. And I've had my own business in the 'healing world,' and yes one can live on one's income being self-employed, but it takes time to get there, and I don't know if I can 'afford' that time.

And then there's going back to school. The follow up question is always "and study what?" Certainly, I have several ideas, but none of them really feel like The One. The top two would be Shamanic Studies, which there is no degree in, or Ancient Egyptian Religion which would require a move to Chicago-which i wouldn't mind, but my wife isn't quite so keen on. The second question of course being "what do I do with said degree?" And truth be told, I would love to teach, ahhhh but here comes fear again, squawking in my ear! "You'll never get a job in this economy, unless you want to move to some shit-hole." (sigh) And more student loans! The student loans that I already carry make me feel like I have a giant, leaking wound in my side. Education shouldn't be this painful, should it? And here I am in a job that feels like work, rather than passion-and it takes so much of my energy that I don't have enough time to pursue my passions when I'm away from work. (Let that be a lesson to you kids-make sure your work WILL be your passion...If I would have thought about it in those terms when I was deciding what to do next, I don't think this is the path I would have chosen. Granted, this path has taught me a lot about myself, and ultimately, my training will aide me in whatever I do, but that gaping wound of student loan debt keeps getting in the way of my positive outlook.)

So what will I do? I will look fear in the face and spit in its eye and I will take that Shamanic workshop this summer, even though the cost of it makes my guts quiver. I will continue with my personal practices, even though doing things I enjoy feels overwhelming, and I will offer my services to friends until I have the same confidence in my skills that I did when I was a massage therapist. I miss that confidence-I haven't had that feeling in way too long. To feel competent-that is what I miss most about my work as a massage therapist (tangent, yes. deal with it.) It took me a very long time to recover from the grief of having to quit massage, and this is the first time I think I've really understood fully why that was. And also why the other things I have done with my life have felt so...unfulfilling. (Actually let me amend that-when I was teaching motorcycle safety I had a similar feeling of confidence, however due to personality issues I often felt diminished in that confidence. But that is another tangent for another day.) I need to feel competent and confident in what I do. Can I do that with what I do now? I don't know. Maybe someday...but I don't know that I WANT to feel confident in the work I'm doing now...because I don't enjoy it. Psychoanalyze that!