The Spark

Last weekend i was able to stick around for an or so of highland games practice. I was able to do hammers (light), weight for distance (light), and stones. Hammer is the second scariest thing to me as a potential shoulder-re-injury activity, however; oddly enough, i had my second best throw of all time with my second toss of the 12# hammer. That gave me hope...hope of getting back to "normal", hope of competing, hope of being/feeling strong again.

Fear kicked in again after practice: "Will I be able to move tomorrow?", "Did I injure myself without realizing it?", "Will I have f'ed myself up for the next 3 weeks?" Alas, none of the above. Granted it hurt to laugh, or cough for a few days just from using muscles that haven't been used in many months, but I feel good. I had PT today and she was happy with my progress, enough so that we are going to start focusing more on core strengthening to help stabilize both shoulders and my funky hip rather than specifically the shoulder.

The last hurdle will be weight over bar, which was how the final injury which resulted in surgery happened. I know I'm not up for that one yet, and won't be for a while. We discussed band work, and kettle bell work that will happen in stages to develop the strength and stability to be able to do that one without further injury. 

So, to some things up, especially the things that haven't left my head yet; I am feeling pretty good about my prognosis. Reality is that I will be prone to re-injury so I will have to stay on top of training, regardless of whether or not I continue to throw, which quite frankly is a good motivator to stay in shape for the 2nd half of my life. In some ways, I think I'll be able to come back to training a better athlete as I won't be constantly plagued by and worried about minor injuries which will leave me more energy to focus on form and to be in the moment of my movement, and to be present in my body in a way that I haven't been...ever. 

This whole adventure isn't just about throwing heavy shit, it's about my own sense of pride, accomplishment, INNER strength. For whatever weird reason throwing has allowed me to access a part of my self that was buried under a mountain of rubble...a spontaneous, confident self that isn't constantly telling me that I need to be quiet and invisible. At the Santa Fe games a few years back when I spoke to Chuck about joining this motley crew, he had me talk to Patty R who told me that doing this had made her stronger, not just physically, but as a person I saw a spark in her eyes, a fire from deep within her core that I knew I wanted to be able to access as well...and by goddess, I have!

Atrophy. It's not just for breakfast anymore

Greetings Spider Friends! It's been a while since I've updated you on my shoulder progression, and today was a good day in PT so it seems like a good time to say, "you know, I'm really craving brownies." I'm also feeling a bit stronger...this weekend while recovering from the flu, I got a wild hair to start doing hangs from my chin-up bar...so i did...until my neck started to bother me. I was feeling kinda guilty going into PT having stepped over the Thou Shalt Not line, but after hearing Jen say "Hey your range of motion is looking really good" I got the last laugh! 

So what does this mean in the grand scheme of throwing heavy things? Well, I'm not sure exactly but what I do know; I have a long ways to go to restore medial rotation (hammer toss); I've still got a ways to got on general stability (I won't be hefting a 28 lb weight at masters this year); I can sleep without pain and do most "ordinary" activities without pain-which opens me up to hope of recovery; I can't do a pushup, but I don't really care, nor could I ever really do a decent pushup; as soon as I won't freeze my kilt off I can start some light practice; I still want brownies. 

And yes, I am a little all over the place tonight. I can assure you that mind is indeed a tangle of spastic tentacles. For some time I have struggled with my most recently chosen profession, and a recent series of somewhat related, somewhat unrelated events has gotten me to a level of stress that I am ready to walk away from my job. I am not sure if I will do that or not, but it is an option that is on the table...and if you've been keeping up with my ramblings, you are aware that my biggest stress reliever is throwing heavy shit, and I have not been throwing for several months now. So it is safe to say, I am having a bit of a stress overload. I have put out some energy and intention into the universe for some guidance and courage to move me onto a path that will provide joy and satisfaction, and now I have to trust that I will know the path when I come to it, and that i will be ok, no matter what in the mean time. Ah, faith...it is a muscle that I have let atrophy along with my anterior deltoid.