love

            I grew up thinking I had no voice, and quite frankly the lesson I learned again and again was that I did indeed have no voice. This has been a tough lesson to unlearn. Even more difficult has been to learn that I do have a Voice. Part of the healing and moving on is recognizing the gifts of growing up with the perspective of not having a voice; I learned to listen instead of talk, to observe instead of act, to read peoples intent, to give others space To Be. But I have to admit that years of being quiet has left my soul hungry. Hungry to be heard, hungry to To Be, hungry for my own space, hungry embrace my True Self and have others embrace her as well, and hungry to be loved.

            I believe that my desire to be a Healer was influenced in part by my desire to have someone heal me. For years I searched for someone to "fix" me, which meant to love me enough that the hurt inside of me would go away. But no one could ever love me enough...in part because I wouldn't let them, and in part because I couldn't love myself.

Somewhere I learned that unconditional love had to start from within. And in addition to loving myself, I had to accept love freely and give freely of my love. That would be the full-circle of healing.
            Part of the lesson of loving myself, is knowing myself...seeing myself as I am rather than as the labels I have come to think of myself as. Seeing my True Self, and accepting and loving that self. Honoring who I am, and who I can be.

            I am not the child I was. I often forget that. More to the point I didn’t know for many years that I could be something different. I am someone new. I still don’t know exactly who that is but I am excited to find out. With each passing day I learn the lesson a little deeper that I don’t  have to live a life of suffering. I really can have more. And I want more. I need more. I didn’t come into this life to suffer, I came into this life to love and to be loved, but when I focus on pain and fear, it takes away from my capacity to feel love.

            I haven’t always known what I wanted. For years the screaming voice of fear told me that what I really wanted was to be alone. Just me and the bottle. But I know better now. Fear needs loneliness to survive, and fear shrivels in the light of love. If I don’t have time for love in my life, I don’t have time to live. I shall go forth and do that which creates love in my heart. Love; that is all that I need to do today.