I've been blessed (ha!) by the mental health fairy. I suffer (I use that word with intent) from dysthymia which is a low grade form of depression that is very hard to treat with medication of therapy. I also suffer from episodes of major depression. I don't know if it's the semi-recent head injury or just aging, but the bouts of major depression have getting more frequent, longer, and more severe. And to make all of this more fun I suffer from PTSD as well. On the positive side I escaped BPD and mania, unlike some of my family members, so there was that blessing from the mental health fairy.
Over the years I've had a shit-load of therapy which has definitely saved my life. I've tried various "natural" remedies, "alternative" therapies, as well as attempts with Western medications. I was kinda done trying medications as the attempts in the past have come with some wicked side effects, some of which are still with me (memory loss, manic episodes), so I'm just not in a big hurry to fuck with my brain in that way. But this last bout of depression really kicked my ass...like I have said several times since starting to come out of it, "I can't survive another round like that." So, here I am desperate enough to try again. I believe I'm on my third medication trial this time around and I've lasted more that my usual 2-5 days before the side-effects get too severe, so there's that.
Tonight I start on the higher dose and I'm feeling pretty apprehensive. Although I've been tolerating this new med much better than everything else I've tried over the years, it does make me super tired, and little dopey/out of it, and emotionally kinda apathetic (until I have one of my frustration flip-outs), and the last 2 nights I've started the insomnia portion of the side effects. It's possible that I will acclimate after I've been on the meds for awhile, and it's also possible that I will get completely fucked up...and that scares me. I'm scared of the "increased thoughts of suicide", I'm scared about the "feeling confused" (and what if it doesn't go away?), I'm scared about the "diminished coordination" (and what if that doesn't go away? My hands ARE my money makers, and I'm already experiencing this one). Is the cure worse than the disease?
And right now I'm in the dysthymia groove, not the major depression, so the meds even when/if I acclimate aren't likely to do that much for me, and if I continue to have even low grade cognitive or emotional side-effects I'll function a helluva lot better without them. But will they prevent or lessen a bout of major depressions? Would it be better to hold off on the meds and wait until I hit another cycle of major depression? Hell if I know. First things first: see if I tolerate the higher dose of this shit, and hope that any side-effects are short lived.
Even though financially it's been a burden, I've been fortunate I haven't been working much during this little experiment because I couldn't function in my normal job with the side-effects I've gotten to dance with so far, and there's days it was lucky I didn't have to drive anywhere because I don't think I could have safely. Which is really kinda scary when you think about all the people who are driving around with a belly full of medications. Anyway, I'm tired...tired from the side-effects, tired from not sleeping well, tired of trying this shit and not having the magical remedy, tired of navigating life through the lens of Dysthymia/Depression/PTSD/TBI. I heard someone say that running the dryer with the lint trap full of lint was like trying to jog with a snorkel mask on. That's a really great metaphor for how day to day life feels for me. I don't have any hope that the medications will ever take the mask off, but maybe they will keep me from drowning the next time I get pulled into the deep.
Over the years I've had a shit-load of therapy which has definitely saved my life. I've tried various "natural" remedies, "alternative" therapies, as well as attempts with Western medications. I was kinda done trying medications as the attempts in the past have come with some wicked side effects, some of which are still with me (memory loss, manic episodes), so I'm just not in a big hurry to fuck with my brain in that way. But this last bout of depression really kicked my ass...like I have said several times since starting to come out of it, "I can't survive another round like that." So, here I am desperate enough to try again. I believe I'm on my third medication trial this time around and I've lasted more that my usual 2-5 days before the side-effects get too severe, so there's that.
Tonight I start on the higher dose and I'm feeling pretty apprehensive. Although I've been tolerating this new med much better than everything else I've tried over the years, it does make me super tired, and little dopey/out of it, and emotionally kinda apathetic (until I have one of my frustration flip-outs), and the last 2 nights I've started the insomnia portion of the side effects. It's possible that I will acclimate after I've been on the meds for awhile, and it's also possible that I will get completely fucked up...and that scares me. I'm scared of the "increased thoughts of suicide", I'm scared about the "feeling confused" (and what if it doesn't go away?), I'm scared about the "diminished coordination" (and what if that doesn't go away? My hands ARE my money makers, and I'm already experiencing this one). Is the cure worse than the disease?
And right now I'm in the dysthymia groove, not the major depression, so the meds even when/if I acclimate aren't likely to do that much for me, and if I continue to have even low grade cognitive or emotional side-effects I'll function a helluva lot better without them. But will they prevent or lessen a bout of major depressions? Would it be better to hold off on the meds and wait until I hit another cycle of major depression? Hell if I know. First things first: see if I tolerate the higher dose of this shit, and hope that any side-effects are short lived.
Even though financially it's been a burden, I've been fortunate I haven't been working much during this little experiment because I couldn't function in my normal job with the side-effects I've gotten to dance with so far, and there's days it was lucky I didn't have to drive anywhere because I don't think I could have safely. Which is really kinda scary when you think about all the people who are driving around with a belly full of medications. Anyway, I'm tired...tired from the side-effects, tired from not sleeping well, tired of trying this shit and not having the magical remedy, tired of navigating life through the lens of Dysthymia/Depression/PTSD/TBI. I heard someone say that running the dryer with the lint trap full of lint was like trying to jog with a snorkel mask on. That's a really great metaphor for how day to day life feels for me. I don't have any hope that the medications will ever take the mask off, but maybe they will keep me from drowning the next time I get pulled into the deep.
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