In order to interrupt the signal at it's source, I've been exploring why exactly it is that I want to suicide specifically by blowing my brains out (I did trigger warn you). What I know is that the suicidality, and the means are a complex knotted up ball of random bits of yarn, and there isn't one simple answer as such. I've pulled out a few bits...control, the ultimate boundary, the visceral/somatic satisfaction of it, the fact that there is no waiting around to be save/it's game over. There's still something about why I'm obsessed with the violent means of ending my life that I can't quite identify, and it's at the tip of my tongue so to speak. But I know there is something I am missing. Here a few bits that have floated to the surface as I pan for gold.
First off a little bit about me. I am physical...I like to give strong (not bone crushing) hugs, I like to rough house, my favorite hobbies are ones that engage my whole body I am every bit the earth element that sits in my 3 primary astrological houses. Because I am physical dominant, as a kid especially I dealt with anger, and frustration physically...if an older boy hit me, I hit the fucker back as hard as I could until the rage valve released; if I fucked something up, I threw shit. I need to physically discharge shit. So what happens when I'm in a situation where I can't physically discharge shit? It builds up, it becomes fetid...I no longer no the source of the rage, it turns inward, it fuels shame, and the only "sensible" relief is self-directed violence to discharge. (Oh yes, and I'm about 20 years "sober" from cutting). Rage is subtle, rage requires a big "boom", and what better boom than a bullet in my head.
When I was met with violence, I could match it, but when it was that subtle shit; coercion, physically overpowering me, or convincing me that I my perception of the experience was wrong... I didn't know how to deal with those kinds of attacks. And so the rage didn't get ignited until much later, and the source was harder to pin point...a house full of gas instead of a welding torch. and so the boundary-less rage cloud seeks to obliterate me, and seeks to destroy me; the rage, the violence gets turned inward.
The bullet in the brain is the ultimate release valve...for the shame, for the rage, for the violence that I couldn't do, for the "one more little thing that I just don't have the energy or focus to manage, for all of it. A gun feels like power, stopping it all feels like empowerment (remember kids, Feelings are NOT Facts!). The bullet stops it all. And yes, the bullet stops it ALL.
Don't worry dear reader, I am not sitting here with a gun in my hand (the pistols are still out of reach), and I am actually in a much better place which allows me to sort through the junk drawer so that I can better interrupt my thoughts when shit gets heavy again, or maybe if I do a good enough job of sorting through the junk drawer I won't find myself going so deep down the rabbit hole the next time an anniversary hits, or my PTSD gets flared up. And if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. Tomorrow might just be the best day of your life it you hang on...or maybe it will be the day after. Just hang on. I know shit is scary in the world right now, and life is changing for all of us, but we can get through this, we are stronger with you here.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
First off a little bit about me. I am physical...I like to give strong (not bone crushing) hugs, I like to rough house, my favorite hobbies are ones that engage my whole body I am every bit the earth element that sits in my 3 primary astrological houses. Because I am physical dominant, as a kid especially I dealt with anger, and frustration physically...if an older boy hit me, I hit the fucker back as hard as I could until the rage valve released; if I fucked something up, I threw shit. I need to physically discharge shit. So what happens when I'm in a situation where I can't physically discharge shit? It builds up, it becomes fetid...I no longer no the source of the rage, it turns inward, it fuels shame, and the only "sensible" relief is self-directed violence to discharge. (Oh yes, and I'm about 20 years "sober" from cutting). Rage is subtle, rage requires a big "boom", and what better boom than a bullet in my head.
When I was met with violence, I could match it, but when it was that subtle shit; coercion, physically overpowering me, or convincing me that I my perception of the experience was wrong... I didn't know how to deal with those kinds of attacks. And so the rage didn't get ignited until much later, and the source was harder to pin point...a house full of gas instead of a welding torch. and so the boundary-less rage cloud seeks to obliterate me, and seeks to destroy me; the rage, the violence gets turned inward.
The bullet in the brain is the ultimate release valve...for the shame, for the rage, for the violence that I couldn't do, for the "one more little thing that I just don't have the energy or focus to manage, for all of it. A gun feels like power, stopping it all feels like empowerment (remember kids, Feelings are NOT Facts!). The bullet stops it all. And yes, the bullet stops it ALL.
Don't worry dear reader, I am not sitting here with a gun in my hand (the pistols are still out of reach), and I am actually in a much better place which allows me to sort through the junk drawer so that I can better interrupt my thoughts when shit gets heavy again, or maybe if I do a good enough job of sorting through the junk drawer I won't find myself going so deep down the rabbit hole the next time an anniversary hits, or my PTSD gets flared up. And if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. Tomorrow might just be the best day of your life it you hang on...or maybe it will be the day after. Just hang on. I know shit is scary in the world right now, and life is changing for all of us, but we can get through this, we are stronger with you here.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
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