My insomnia and anxiety may be in part due to hormonal crapity-doo. If so, hopefully things will mellow out soon. Slept about 7 hours last night. It was good but I am sooooo exhausted still. Trying to keep my chocolate down to a square a day just to minimize any caffeine that may be exacerbating the situation. Got a sweet little yellow puppy snuggled up to me, and a supportive wife on the other side of him. Life really isn't bad, it's just the internal storm that keeps me from seeing the good stuff around me. Gratitude. It's what i harp on to others, but what I need to focus on myself.
I am grateful for the love from so many people in my life (i'll call you the next time I need to get bailed out of jail Mona!), for my trees, for my garlic patch, my pups, my wife, my car, the smell of horses, the smell of spring grass, the memory of my grandmother. For chocolate, and coffee, and throwing, and my kilts, and bacon socks, and laughter. And bacon. For being able to walk to the mail box, or bend over without pain. To be able to go up the stairs without having to pull myself up. For the days I can slide my foot up to the gas pedal without having to pick up my leg with my hands. For puppy dreams. For videos of baby elephants. For the people who love me when I think I'm unlovable, and who remind me that I am loved.
Thank you.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Reality of convenience
For a change, a post that isn't written while half asleep.
Step 1 down. I've called someone I trust for therapist recommendations. I've also been doing a little research on my own. I know what I need...I just need to find someone who actually does what they say they do.
I'm tired. Exhausted. I spend so much time studying...and worrying. Mostly worrying about stupid, unimportant crap. Working out helps, and throwing helps, but still the worry is consuming my life and my energy. I'm turning into my mother. damn.
Not sure how much I've written about my mother, but here is one reason I don't want to be like her: She exists in a reality of convenience.
Here is what I mean by that. She sees what is convenient to see, she remembers what is convenient to remember. She acknowledges what is convenient to acknowledge.
A few examples:
-When she stayed "too long" with my father, she did it because of me (even though she stayed because she was afraid to step out on her own at her age). When she left him, she did it because of me (even though it was her fears that made her choose to leave).
-When she was with one of her husbands previous to my father, she conveniently ignored his violence against her children until her turned on her. More recently when this man passed away, she went on and on about what a wonderful man he was...in front of some of those siblings who suffered horrors at his hands.
-When I came out to family, it was a complete surprise to my mother....except for the fact that she had told my siblings a few years before that she thought I was gay.
There are many other examples, but not ones I care to share at this moment.
But hopefully I've acknowledged what *I* need to acknowledge.
Yes I am my mother's daughter, but I don't want to be like her. I want to be present, I want to be real, I want to live my life for the moment rather than the past or the unknown future. I want to be associated not with my "paaaaaiiiiinnnn" but with how fricking groovy I am. I want an identity of positivity. Right now, I don't really have a good sense of what my identity is, either from the outside, or from my own perspective. Whatever it is, it is in transition. It is in my control. Lets see what I make out of this lump of clay. shall we?
Step 1 down. I've called someone I trust for therapist recommendations. I've also been doing a little research on my own. I know what I need...I just need to find someone who actually does what they say they do.
I'm tired. Exhausted. I spend so much time studying...and worrying. Mostly worrying about stupid, unimportant crap. Working out helps, and throwing helps, but still the worry is consuming my life and my energy. I'm turning into my mother. damn.
Not sure how much I've written about my mother, but here is one reason I don't want to be like her: She exists in a reality of convenience.
Here is what I mean by that. She sees what is convenient to see, she remembers what is convenient to remember. She acknowledges what is convenient to acknowledge.
A few examples:
-When she stayed "too long" with my father, she did it because of me (even though she stayed because she was afraid to step out on her own at her age). When she left him, she did it because of me (even though it was her fears that made her choose to leave).
-When she was with one of her husbands previous to my father, she conveniently ignored his violence against her children until her turned on her. More recently when this man passed away, she went on and on about what a wonderful man he was...in front of some of those siblings who suffered horrors at his hands.
-When I came out to family, it was a complete surprise to my mother....except for the fact that she had told my siblings a few years before that she thought I was gay.
There are many other examples, but not ones I care to share at this moment.
But hopefully I've acknowledged what *I* need to acknowledge.
Yes I am my mother's daughter, but I don't want to be like her. I want to be present, I want to be real, I want to live my life for the moment rather than the past or the unknown future. I want to be associated not with my "paaaaaiiiiinnnn" but with how fricking groovy I am. I want an identity of positivity. Right now, I don't really have a good sense of what my identity is, either from the outside, or from my own perspective. Whatever it is, it is in transition. It is in my control. Lets see what I make out of this lump of clay. shall we?
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
12 thoughts
Not sure where this post will go today...lets take a ride and see...
So what I have to report.
1. I've been released from PT. I'm very excited to not be dropping that copay every week. I already kind of miss my PT crew-they're a great bunch of folks. Hip is way better. Still have some improvements to make, but waaaaay better.
2. I'm working on this online class and it is kicking my ass. I spend over 20 hours a week studying and doing my quizzes and still, after getting straight A's in my masters program, and getting B's on the unit tests, and it is frustrating as hell. Not only am I dealing with over-achiever syndrome because "if only I do good enough, maybe I WILL be good enough", but also, this is a prerequisite for a very competitive program and I need all the advantages I can get. So, in short, this class is making me feel like a failure, and stressing me the frak out.
3. I have disengaged from therapy. In part because my life is so stressful between my class, my 3 jobs, and the nasty bout of insomnia I'm going through. And in part because my therapist can't remember what I said in my last sentence. And also because I sought out a therapist specifically for EMDR so I could root out some deep knots, and it turns out the therapist I found had strayed too far off the designated EMDR course to really help me.
4. Anxiety is off the charts. And I'm frustrated as hell with that. I've done soooo many things to address it, and it only seems to be getting worse. I know I need to look for a new therapist, but the anxiety that pops up at the thought of that freezes me in my tracks.
5. I love chocolate. I haven't been eating sugar for a while so I get bakers chocolate and smear homemade sunflower butter on it, and plop a date on top. It's heavenly. I would like to eat some right now, but I know it would mess with my already messed up sleep. Perhaps for breakfast?
6. I'm looking forward to the Phoenix Highland Games. I really thought that the Flagstaff games would be my last competition. And I was depressed as hell. It was with great joy that I realized I could continue to throw...the black dog was sent to the dog house. There are few things that bring me as much joy as throwing. I don't really know why...I'm not particularly good at it...and I kinda hate crowds of people...but it thrills me to no end to strap on my kilt, step on to the field, and join my sisters in a day full of shenanigans.
7. I've been going to the gym regularly and it is helping with my hip issues, and my mental issues. It's become my new "drug."
8. Speaking of drugs, I've been thinking about drinking. A lot. For some time now. I fantasize about it. I know I shouldn't romance it, but I do.
9. I've thought about this a lot. I used to think I had all kinds of friends. Then when I needed them, instead them needing me, I realized I didn't have friends. Who would I call in the middle of the night (besides my wife) if I had an emergency? I wouldn't. I'd deal with it myself. Or not at all. Maybe I'd go to the bar.
10. Am I drunk blogging again with out the booze?
11. Maybe I need to sleep. Maybe I need to write when I'm not so fricking tired.
12. The end.
So what I have to report.
1. I've been released from PT. I'm very excited to not be dropping that copay every week. I already kind of miss my PT crew-they're a great bunch of folks. Hip is way better. Still have some improvements to make, but waaaaay better.
2. I'm working on this online class and it is kicking my ass. I spend over 20 hours a week studying and doing my quizzes and still, after getting straight A's in my masters program, and getting B's on the unit tests, and it is frustrating as hell. Not only am I dealing with over-achiever syndrome because "if only I do good enough, maybe I WILL be good enough", but also, this is a prerequisite for a very competitive program and I need all the advantages I can get. So, in short, this class is making me feel like a failure, and stressing me the frak out.
3. I have disengaged from therapy. In part because my life is so stressful between my class, my 3 jobs, and the nasty bout of insomnia I'm going through. And in part because my therapist can't remember what I said in my last sentence. And also because I sought out a therapist specifically for EMDR so I could root out some deep knots, and it turns out the therapist I found had strayed too far off the designated EMDR course to really help me.
4. Anxiety is off the charts. And I'm frustrated as hell with that. I've done soooo many things to address it, and it only seems to be getting worse. I know I need to look for a new therapist, but the anxiety that pops up at the thought of that freezes me in my tracks.
5. I love chocolate. I haven't been eating sugar for a while so I get bakers chocolate and smear homemade sunflower butter on it, and plop a date on top. It's heavenly. I would like to eat some right now, but I know it would mess with my already messed up sleep. Perhaps for breakfast?
6. I'm looking forward to the Phoenix Highland Games. I really thought that the Flagstaff games would be my last competition. And I was depressed as hell. It was with great joy that I realized I could continue to throw...the black dog was sent to the dog house. There are few things that bring me as much joy as throwing. I don't really know why...I'm not particularly good at it...and I kinda hate crowds of people...but it thrills me to no end to strap on my kilt, step on to the field, and join my sisters in a day full of shenanigans.
7. I've been going to the gym regularly and it is helping with my hip issues, and my mental issues. It's become my new "drug."
8. Speaking of drugs, I've been thinking about drinking. A lot. For some time now. I fantasize about it. I know I shouldn't romance it, but I do.
9. I've thought about this a lot. I used to think I had all kinds of friends. Then when I needed them, instead them needing me, I realized I didn't have friends. Who would I call in the middle of the night (besides my wife) if I had an emergency? I wouldn't. I'd deal with it myself. Or not at all. Maybe I'd go to the bar.
10. Am I drunk blogging again with out the booze?
11. Maybe I need to sleep. Maybe I need to write when I'm not so fricking tired.
12. The end.
Friday, January 24, 2014
bla, bla, blogging
I think blogging after therapy is akin to drunk dialing...but i'm doing it anyway because, well, I am.
"How long do you need to blame yourself?"
"The rest of my life."
...
Yeah, that was therapy today.
Obviously not much movement on that subject.
Don't know what more I want to say about that. Just thinking (typing) aloud. Wondering why I have to blame myself...why I have to carry shame...why I'm so stuck.
Annnnnd...I still have no answers; no insights.
I wonder if admitting to shame, helps break shame up???
We'll see.
"How long do you need to blame yourself?"
"The rest of my life."
...
Yeah, that was therapy today.
Obviously not much movement on that subject.
Don't know what more I want to say about that. Just thinking (typing) aloud. Wondering why I have to blame myself...why I have to carry shame...why I'm so stuck.
Annnnnd...I still have no answers; no insights.
I wonder if admitting to shame, helps break shame up???
We'll see.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Freezing...
It's been the subject heading on my therapy sessions for some time now. Freezing and the...shame i feel for continuously reverting to freezing when things get intense. Or, even when they're not so intense.
I'm trying to wrap my head around self-forgiveness for this pattern. Figuring out how to forgive myself for what has happened in the past, but the Truth I realized today is that it is forgiving myself in the present, not the distant past; forgiving myself in the moment that I need to work on...mostly. How can I forgive myself for the past when I can't forgive myself in the present?
I know that in the past I had no other choice. I know that through no fault of my own when I was younger that I had choice taken away from me, and that freezing was all that was left...that there was no running away, or fighting...and that there is nothing to forgive myself for. I was not wrong. I get that in my head...not sure how much I get that in my heart.
And still, I continue patterns of self blame, and self hatred today for minor mistakes...for things most people wouldn't even think twice about. And I do it because that was the habit I was taught when I was a child. Now that I recognize that habit, it is my responsibility to break that habit. To do things different. To honor my successes, to honor that which is good about me, and good in my life. To "not sweat the small stuff."
Sounds easy. Lets see if it is.
I'm trying to wrap my head around self-forgiveness for this pattern. Figuring out how to forgive myself for what has happened in the past, but the Truth I realized today is that it is forgiving myself in the present, not the distant past; forgiving myself in the moment that I need to work on...mostly. How can I forgive myself for the past when I can't forgive myself in the present?
I know that in the past I had no other choice. I know that through no fault of my own when I was younger that I had choice taken away from me, and that freezing was all that was left...that there was no running away, or fighting...and that there is nothing to forgive myself for. I was not wrong. I get that in my head...not sure how much I get that in my heart.
And still, I continue patterns of self blame, and self hatred today for minor mistakes...for things most people wouldn't even think twice about. And I do it because that was the habit I was taught when I was a child. Now that I recognize that habit, it is my responsibility to break that habit. To do things different. To honor my successes, to honor that which is good about me, and good in my life. To "not sweat the small stuff."
Sounds easy. Lets see if it is.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
rattle, rattle, rattle
Here I am, blogging instead of going to bed/sleep early as I had planned. Oopsie. But perhaps I'll sleep a bit better if there are fewer things rattling around in my head.
Food recovery is going better. I've been off of wheat and sugar for...well, I haven't been keeping track...a couple weeks now I think. And I'm past the obsessing about my food-drugs, although while out shopping today it was very slippery around the cookie and candy aisles! But I made it out safely. I've also lost most of the weight I gained during wheat/dairy/sugar fest in Phoenix, which helps me feel better physically, as well as feel better about myself.
I do continue to struggle with anxiety. I have some ok days, I have some good days, and I have some really awful days. I've been trying different medications over the last month or so, and it's been not so fun. I tried to start a new one last week in hopes that the side effects would be minimal, but I was so doped up I couldn't function the one day I took it, so I stopped...because I don't have the luxury of stopping my life right now. I'm juggling 3 part time jobs, I just started a very intense class, and I'm getting back to the gym AND training for the Phoenix games. There has to be a better way than being doped up, even if doped up means that I don't have to worry about the random bursts of adrenaline that freeze me in place and keep me from completing "simple, day-to-day tasks."
Maybe down the line I can try this stuff again...when I have fewer obligations...fewer things to lose. But right now I can't do it. And maybe the fact that medication no longer seems like the only option means that I'm coping better than I was a few weeks ago. I certainly hope so.
So, I'll continue to work on staying on the food wagon, and getting my butt to the gym. I need more discipline with time management, because I do get overwhelmed, and when I get overwhelmed I freeze. And freezing sucks.
Perhaps more on that next time, but for now, I need to sleep...
Food recovery is going better. I've been off of wheat and sugar for...well, I haven't been keeping track...a couple weeks now I think. And I'm past the obsessing about my food-drugs, although while out shopping today it was very slippery around the cookie and candy aisles! But I made it out safely. I've also lost most of the weight I gained during wheat/dairy/sugar fest in Phoenix, which helps me feel better physically, as well as feel better about myself.
I do continue to struggle with anxiety. I have some ok days, I have some good days, and I have some really awful days. I've been trying different medications over the last month or so, and it's been not so fun. I tried to start a new one last week in hopes that the side effects would be minimal, but I was so doped up I couldn't function the one day I took it, so I stopped...because I don't have the luxury of stopping my life right now. I'm juggling 3 part time jobs, I just started a very intense class, and I'm getting back to the gym AND training for the Phoenix games. There has to be a better way than being doped up, even if doped up means that I don't have to worry about the random bursts of adrenaline that freeze me in place and keep me from completing "simple, day-to-day tasks."
Maybe down the line I can try this stuff again...when I have fewer obligations...fewer things to lose. But right now I can't do it. And maybe the fact that medication no longer seems like the only option means that I'm coping better than I was a few weeks ago. I certainly hope so.
So, I'll continue to work on staying on the food wagon, and getting my butt to the gym. I need more discipline with time management, because I do get overwhelmed, and when I get overwhelmed I freeze. And freezing sucks.
Perhaps more on that next time, but for now, I need to sleep...
Monday, January 6, 2014
The Things I Don't Talk About
Continuing on the subject of "recovery"...since my last post I've some-what gotten back on the food-recovery wagon. I'm eating primarily paleo again. I'm still craving bread/cookies/cakes here and there, but not obsessing as I was. I know there are shadowy places I cannot go right now or I will surely have a slip. But I'm not secretly ordering pizza, or sneaking to the Coop for a bag of cookies whilst my wife is away.
As the insanity of my food-fixing starts to ease, I am more aware of the emotional stuff that I've been trying to stuff. Anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I wake in the middle of the night feeling lost, feeling scared, and most strongly; feeling a sense of impending doom. I know from experience, both personal and as a professional that this is PTSD raising its ugly head, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Admittedly, it is better than it used to be; there isn't quite as much of the "generalized" fears, and anxieties, but it is still hard as hell to function like a normal person throughout the day. And as I think about it, it is the daily work of pretending like everything is ok...putting on the front that all is right with the world, that is what has exhausted me to the point that I can't deal as well as I once did.
I continue to go to therapy. I continue to engage in personal enrichment. And I continue to put one foot in front of another...but it's hard. For the last year I've found myself stumbling more often...and sometimes I can't even get up to trudge the road.
But I haven't given up yet. Oh, sure, there have been days in the past where I have given up for a brief spot, but I get back up.
I also know that something has to give...maybe a little food "recovery" will give me that "give", or maybe it'll have to be finding the right anxiety med, or finding the magic bullet to relieve some of the chronic physical pain, or some great psychological insight...I don't know...I just hope it comes soon because I'm running out of the immense energy it takes just to "deal" day-to-day.
In the mean time, I will continue to work on being positive, and I will continue to do silly stuff to make myself and others laugh, and I will continue to remain open to the beauty of the world when it shows itself to me.
Which brings up another thought...of late I've noticed that I get a little misty-eyed any time I see a Gesture of Humanity, no matter how small. I thought it was just hormones, but as I write, I realize that it is those little gems of beauty that keep me going. So my wish for the world is that today is that it is full of Gestures of Humanity...one never knows when a simple act of kindness will be a life-line to another.
As the insanity of my food-fixing starts to ease, I am more aware of the emotional stuff that I've been trying to stuff. Anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I wake in the middle of the night feeling lost, feeling scared, and most strongly; feeling a sense of impending doom. I know from experience, both personal and as a professional that this is PTSD raising its ugly head, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Admittedly, it is better than it used to be; there isn't quite as much of the "generalized" fears, and anxieties, but it is still hard as hell to function like a normal person throughout the day. And as I think about it, it is the daily work of pretending like everything is ok...putting on the front that all is right with the world, that is what has exhausted me to the point that I can't deal as well as I once did.
I continue to go to therapy. I continue to engage in personal enrichment. And I continue to put one foot in front of another...but it's hard. For the last year I've found myself stumbling more often...and sometimes I can't even get up to trudge the road.
But I haven't given up yet. Oh, sure, there have been days in the past where I have given up for a brief spot, but I get back up.
I also know that something has to give...maybe a little food "recovery" will give me that "give", or maybe it'll have to be finding the right anxiety med, or finding the magic bullet to relieve some of the chronic physical pain, or some great psychological insight...I don't know...I just hope it comes soon because I'm running out of the immense energy it takes just to "deal" day-to-day.
In the mean time, I will continue to work on being positive, and I will continue to do silly stuff to make myself and others laugh, and I will continue to remain open to the beauty of the world when it shows itself to me.
Which brings up another thought...of late I've noticed that I get a little misty-eyed any time I see a Gesture of Humanity, no matter how small. I thought it was just hormones, but as I write, I realize that it is those little gems of beauty that keep me going. So my wish for the world is that today is that it is full of Gestures of Humanity...one never knows when a simple act of kindness will be a life-line to another.
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