Today I had my first appointment with my old, old therapist (M). It was good. Really good. I think we were both in a better, fresher place. I was able to be more expressive about what was happening with me, rather than skirtive of the issues, and she was much more grounded and able to see where I was at in the moment, instead of working with me as she needed to 10 years ago. I'm still eating the house in order to deal with what I need to tomorrow, but I was able to be in a better space for the most of the day, and I have some more tools to use in the mean time. And she was able to recognize just how strong my self-destructive potential is right now...which I haven't really admitted (until now) to anybody...and having someone know that that self-destructive side of myself is alive and well does indeed to a little of wind out of it's sails.
At least based on today's session, it feels like I can do some good work with M. There were some things that came up with the last therapist that she just was missing the mark on as far as holding the space for me to explore in the direction I needed to, but with M we were able to go exactly where we needed to...where I needed to. And to the credit of that last therapist; it was in our work that I was able to recognize some of those areas that were in my blind spot, but were sucking me dry.
I also only slept about 3 hours last night. Seems like every couple weeks I have a 2-3 hour nighter. At least I'm consistent. But this really throws me off...emotionally, mentally, physically. And when I am trying so f'ing hard to get my life back on track it is really frustrating to have the setbacks that follow an extra bad night of sleep. Another setback, this one self induced, came as a result of the standing calf machine. I have crazy-strong calves, but I forget that I also have crazy f'ed up discs in my upper back, and I wound up further compressing a couple of those discs a few weeks ago during my work out and have had pinched nerves and subluxed vertebrae that won't stay put ever since.
My ability to stay positive got flushed down the toilet a while back, but I'm hoping my upcoming trip to PHX, and my first highland games of the season will start to shift some of the inner funk, and get me back on the Ozzy Crazy Train, and off the Destructo Crazy Train...and fast. In the mean time, good thing I've got my supportive, patient wife; and my big, dopey, sweet pup. And a weeks worth of my new favorite snack; bakers chocolate.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment