Yesterday I finished up the last ever labs for the schooling I'm in. I still have a written final coming up in a few days to finish up the semester, but I'm done. Emotionally, mentally, I'm just done. I still have a semester's worth of internships to complete, followed by a licensing exam...and then I start the next chapter of my life. A new career at 45...yet ANOTHER career in a long line of careers...and I'm a little afraid...
Fear number 1: Will I hate this? I haven't had a good track record with "job satisfaction" in a long time. Granted I've had some very stressful work situations, usually due to mentally unstable co-workers...still it's been a long time since I can say I loved a job. I really want to love this new career...and I'm really tired of being told in so many words what a loser I am because I can't seem to hold a single job for more than 2 years. I've done my damnedest to tolerate bad jobs/situation, but I don't have the...emotional fortitude to hang when things get hellish. I can only tolerate so much stress and anxiety.
Fear number 2: Will I physically be able to do this? Granted my recent internship was probably a bit atypical, but a few weeks later my hands are still in horrible shape...my fingers hurt all the time. Will I be able to handle whatever a "typical" setting will be? And will the autoimmune crap allow me to put in 40 hours a week...will I be able to function outside of work, or will I fall ill for a couple weeks every couple of months?
Fear number 3: Will I emotionally be able to do this...will just the general anxieties about failure sabotage me? Will being back in a service role drain me to my core, again? Will my PTSD continue to keep me so overwhelmed that I can't function in a full time job, where I have to be "on" at all times? Hell, I can't handle being at the farmer's market if there are too many people without losing my shit...will I be able to handle being at a busy clinic all day?
Fortunately, my next 2 internships will give me different experience so that I can answer these questions a little better. Seven weeks each...I just have to survive 7 weeks each. I've been in a fairly busy clinic where I saw a LOT of patients...had I not had to deal with open discussions of religious and political natures it would have been a much more tolerable site. More will be revealed...
In the mean time I need to focus on what my strengths are, what it is I will be bringing...or want to bring to the table. I have to think about the boundaries I need to set and the self care I need to do. Oh that self care...that is a tough one. One big thing I need to stop doing is isolating...over the winter I became acutely aware of how much worse I felt mentally and emotionally when I isolated...so it will be imperative to find the balance of introvert-alone-time, and social outlets. I also need to get out and "do" more things...and less staring at the computer or hiding in a book. And, to continue the theme of the summer, I need to continue to find/use my voice. I've got some pretty awesome people in my life right now and it's imperative that I show them the respect of engaging with them...I often wonder how many awesome friendships I've missed out on because I hid behind my silence and secrecy. Enough of that crap...they're all going to hear my silly stories, bad jokes, fears, embarrassing moments, and obsessions with Kinseo Tape.
Fear number 1: Will I hate this? I haven't had a good track record with "job satisfaction" in a long time. Granted I've had some very stressful work situations, usually due to mentally unstable co-workers...still it's been a long time since I can say I loved a job. I really want to love this new career...and I'm really tired of being told in so many words what a loser I am because I can't seem to hold a single job for more than 2 years. I've done my damnedest to tolerate bad jobs/situation, but I don't have the...emotional fortitude to hang when things get hellish. I can only tolerate so much stress and anxiety.
Fear number 2: Will I physically be able to do this? Granted my recent internship was probably a bit atypical, but a few weeks later my hands are still in horrible shape...my fingers hurt all the time. Will I be able to handle whatever a "typical" setting will be? And will the autoimmune crap allow me to put in 40 hours a week...will I be able to function outside of work, or will I fall ill for a couple weeks every couple of months?
Fear number 3: Will I emotionally be able to do this...will just the general anxieties about failure sabotage me? Will being back in a service role drain me to my core, again? Will my PTSD continue to keep me so overwhelmed that I can't function in a full time job, where I have to be "on" at all times? Hell, I can't handle being at the farmer's market if there are too many people without losing my shit...will I be able to handle being at a busy clinic all day?
Fortunately, my next 2 internships will give me different experience so that I can answer these questions a little better. Seven weeks each...I just have to survive 7 weeks each. I've been in a fairly busy clinic where I saw a LOT of patients...had I not had to deal with open discussions of religious and political natures it would have been a much more tolerable site. More will be revealed...
In the mean time I need to focus on what my strengths are, what it is I will be bringing...or want to bring to the table. I have to think about the boundaries I need to set and the self care I need to do. Oh that self care...that is a tough one. One big thing I need to stop doing is isolating...over the winter I became acutely aware of how much worse I felt mentally and emotionally when I isolated...so it will be imperative to find the balance of introvert-alone-time, and social outlets. I also need to get out and "do" more things...and less staring at the computer or hiding in a book. And, to continue the theme of the summer, I need to continue to find/use my voice. I've got some pretty awesome people in my life right now and it's imperative that I show them the respect of engaging with them...I often wonder how many awesome friendships I've missed out on because I hid behind my silence and secrecy. Enough of that crap...they're all going to hear my silly stories, bad jokes, fears, embarrassing moments, and obsessions with Kinseo Tape.
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