Apparently, my mother has been on my mind a lot lately. Or perhaps motherhood, and expectations.
Last week I was listening to a talk on the Norse Goddess, Frigg. She is a Goddess I've never felt connected to, and if I'm honest, someone I've had a bit of an aversion to. I'm more drawn toward warriors and healers...and at some level I've known that part of my lack of interest in Frigg has been my...complicated relationship with my own mother, and my aversion to femininity/womanhood in part due to their association with my mother.
My mother is the kind of person who was perfectly capable of taking care of herself (and did quite well on her own during the brief periods she was manless), but she always felt like she needed a man in her life in order to be safe/fulfilled/complete/taken care of. And unfortunately she only had eyes for men who engaged in dysfunctions that allowed her to continue nurturing her own dysfunctions. Unfortunately, her men (and taking care of her men) was often prioritized over the needs and safety of her children.
If you've been around for the last few episodes you know that my mother's mental health wasn't the greatest. Her needs for validation, attention, and being taken care of trumped the needs of her children, and often her expectation was that her needs were met by her children. By 8 years old I was fully in an adult role of taking care of my mother during her in-bed-with-bad-nerves episodes, and trying to keep her from having psychotic breaks when she got too overwhelmed with anxiety, even though there was another adult in the house (my alcoholic father). Then there were her "suicide attempts" that were her way of saying, "I need attention, I need you to take care of me, and need you to acknowledge my pain", which again were directed more at her children who were forced into the role of caretaker for their mother. And I fully acknowledge that she was a product of dysfunction, and trauma, and she certainly didn't grow up during a time where therapy was readily available, or seen as an important part of trauma recovery. With that being said, my mother was given opportunities later in life for therapy, change, a better way of being in this life; and her choice was to carry on with her established patterns, and to hold on even tighter to her wounds and dysfunctions.
All that to say that with my mother being my primary role-model for what it was to be a woman, I really haven't ever wanted anything to do with woman-hood or anything associated with it; specifically because of her I associate those things with weakness. A quick caveat: I have memories from early enough to know that even without the influence of my mother I am a gender queer. At 3-4 upon realizing the babies come out of mother's bodies, I was horrified and sure as shit didn't want any part of that, nor did I have any desire to BE a mommy regardless of where they came from. I didn't play house or babies, I played Superman or soldier. So I have the winning combination of not identifying with "appropriate" gender roles, not feeling particular congruency with my gender/body, AND having a less than awesome role model for anything related to my assigned sex.
Now, back to Frigg. Toward the last half of the talk I started to get really sleepy, like I could barely keep my eyes open, so as soon as it was over I crashed (which is unusual for me during the day). And I was in this weird, semi-lucid dreaming state, and my brain was just slogging through this battle-field of negative shit, so as soon as I "woke-up" I started writing as that seems to be the best way for me to get clarity when my mind is jumbled, and I know there is something that is trying to resolve itself.
I hashed through a lot of material, but the relevant bits for this story are that I recognized and acknowledged that there are Mother and Domestic aspects/parts within me, which I have been ignoring/denying due to all the above. It can be seen in the nurturing I do of others, which I've just associated with my Healer aspects. It is however; pretty obvious when I look at the relationship I had with my step daughter. Keeping in mind I never had any desire to nurture a little human, but when I had a little human in my life I loved her as my own. I did indeed nurture her, and most importantly, and in most contrast with my mother; little human was my priority. Even though I didn't want to be a mother (unlike my own mother), I made sacrifices, I did my damnedest to be present as my best self, and I put her safety over my own needs/wants. Please note that I wasn't a perfect parent, and I certainly fucked up plenty, but I tried to make that child's life better. And subconsciously that is what pisses me off so much about my own mother: having been in the mother role, in spite of my own trauma, and dysfunctions; in spite of my role model having been an incompetent mother I never made that child take care of me, I paid attention to her, I let her know that she was important, I got excited about her accomplishments, and I encouraged her to have a voice.
And I rejected Frigg because all I could see was my own incompetent mother who ignored the danger her children were in, and the wife who chose men who were a danger to her children. In sorting through this rats nest I realized that mother-hood and woman-hood/roles aren't innately bad, nor di they have anything to do with weakness; I just had a mother who was kind of bad at life, especially motherhood. In clearly/objectively seeing where my biases stemmed from, I could see Frigg for the badass, take-no-shit Goddess that she is, and see how she could potentially be a great ally to me. And I could see that consciously embracing some Domestic/Mother Goddess roles (which, if I'm honest I totally do already I just don't admit to it) is a totally okay thing, and in fact by embracing/acknowledging these aspects of myself as they exist is path to being my Best Self. Additionally I striven to be more than just a product of my mother (and various trauma), to instead be the best version of myself that I can be. It's not enough to set the bar at being "better than (insert shitty example)"; why not strive for greatness?
Last week I was listening to a talk on the Norse Goddess, Frigg. She is a Goddess I've never felt connected to, and if I'm honest, someone I've had a bit of an aversion to. I'm more drawn toward warriors and healers...and at some level I've known that part of my lack of interest in Frigg has been my...complicated relationship with my own mother, and my aversion to femininity/womanhood in part due to their association with my mother.
My mother is the kind of person who was perfectly capable of taking care of herself (and did quite well on her own during the brief periods she was manless), but she always felt like she needed a man in her life in order to be safe/fulfilled/complete/taken care of. And unfortunately she only had eyes for men who engaged in dysfunctions that allowed her to continue nurturing her own dysfunctions. Unfortunately, her men (and taking care of her men) was often prioritized over the needs and safety of her children.
If you've been around for the last few episodes you know that my mother's mental health wasn't the greatest. Her needs for validation, attention, and being taken care of trumped the needs of her children, and often her expectation was that her needs were met by her children. By 8 years old I was fully in an adult role of taking care of my mother during her in-bed-with-bad-nerves episodes, and trying to keep her from having psychotic breaks when she got too overwhelmed with anxiety, even though there was another adult in the house (my alcoholic father). Then there were her "suicide attempts" that were her way of saying, "I need attention, I need you to take care of me, and need you to acknowledge my pain", which again were directed more at her children who were forced into the role of caretaker for their mother. And I fully acknowledge that she was a product of dysfunction, and trauma, and she certainly didn't grow up during a time where therapy was readily available, or seen as an important part of trauma recovery. With that being said, my mother was given opportunities later in life for therapy, change, a better way of being in this life; and her choice was to carry on with her established patterns, and to hold on even tighter to her wounds and dysfunctions.
All that to say that with my mother being my primary role-model for what it was to be a woman, I really haven't ever wanted anything to do with woman-hood or anything associated with it; specifically because of her I associate those things with weakness. A quick caveat: I have memories from early enough to know that even without the influence of my mother I am a gender queer. At 3-4 upon realizing the babies come out of mother's bodies, I was horrified and sure as shit didn't want any part of that, nor did I have any desire to BE a mommy regardless of where they came from. I didn't play house or babies, I played Superman or soldier. So I have the winning combination of not identifying with "appropriate" gender roles, not feeling particular congruency with my gender/body, AND having a less than awesome role model for anything related to my assigned sex.
Now, back to Frigg. Toward the last half of the talk I started to get really sleepy, like I could barely keep my eyes open, so as soon as it was over I crashed (which is unusual for me during the day). And I was in this weird, semi-lucid dreaming state, and my brain was just slogging through this battle-field of negative shit, so as soon as I "woke-up" I started writing as that seems to be the best way for me to get clarity when my mind is jumbled, and I know there is something that is trying to resolve itself.
I hashed through a lot of material, but the relevant bits for this story are that I recognized and acknowledged that there are Mother and Domestic aspects/parts within me, which I have been ignoring/denying due to all the above. It can be seen in the nurturing I do of others, which I've just associated with my Healer aspects. It is however; pretty obvious when I look at the relationship I had with my step daughter. Keeping in mind I never had any desire to nurture a little human, but when I had a little human in my life I loved her as my own. I did indeed nurture her, and most importantly, and in most contrast with my mother; little human was my priority. Even though I didn't want to be a mother (unlike my own mother), I made sacrifices, I did my damnedest to be present as my best self, and I put her safety over my own needs/wants. Please note that I wasn't a perfect parent, and I certainly fucked up plenty, but I tried to make that child's life better. And subconsciously that is what pisses me off so much about my own mother: having been in the mother role, in spite of my own trauma, and dysfunctions; in spite of my role model having been an incompetent mother I never made that child take care of me, I paid attention to her, I let her know that she was important, I got excited about her accomplishments, and I encouraged her to have a voice.
And I rejected Frigg because all I could see was my own incompetent mother who ignored the danger her children were in, and the wife who chose men who were a danger to her children. In sorting through this rats nest I realized that mother-hood and woman-hood/roles aren't innately bad, nor di they have anything to do with weakness; I just had a mother who was kind of bad at life, especially motherhood. In clearly/objectively seeing where my biases stemmed from, I could see Frigg for the badass, take-no-shit Goddess that she is, and see how she could potentially be a great ally to me. And I could see that consciously embracing some Domestic/Mother Goddess roles (which, if I'm honest I totally do already I just don't admit to it) is a totally okay thing, and in fact by embracing/acknowledging these aspects of myself as they exist is path to being my Best Self. Additionally I striven to be more than just a product of my mother (and various trauma), to instead be the best version of myself that I can be. It's not enough to set the bar at being "better than (insert shitty example)"; why not strive for greatness?
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