the waves

Ok, so doing much better after yesterday's melt down. Have to have those every now and then. At least I do. For now.

Yesterday was a good reminder of how the accumulation of stress, physical pain, and lack of quiet can make me a little crazy. I know for most folks the sound of the surf is relaxing and such, but for me it's just constant NOISE. Constant noise. And how I just need some silence.

And this is a good metaphor for my mind. Let me tell ya; it's like the surf up there in my head. Constant, powerful waves of noise. Fortunately, I am able to quiet the noise, but it takes a lot of effort and it takes having a quiet space for me to do so. Just like exercise and eating right, this needs to be a daily practice for me, this finding my own still point, but I easily get distracted/off track. Perhaps my public confession will help me get back on track, and stay on track.

The impossble

Why do I blame myself for everything that goes on in the world? The guy at the gas station with the bad attitude, nuclear waste pouring into the ocean, the death of an acquaintance.

Wow, if only I had that much power! What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously? 

Yet when it comes to the things I have power over in my life, I feel completely helpless...powerless...and because of that sense of helplessness/powerlessness I fail to act. Maybe it's the realistic powerlessness of the former mentioned situations that I attach to. Maybe it's easier to take responsibility for those things that I obviously have no control over, because...crap...I almost had it. Because I really can't do a damn thing about those impossible situations, so I don't have to feel bad about not taking action. The only problem with that little situation is that I still do feel bad about not taking action. 

How f'ed up is that? I need to stop that crap.

The end.

Perspective

No game posts today. Just random thoughts bounces through my head like a rabid pinball machine.

Last night Chris and I visited one of her college friends and stayed up waaaay past our bedtime laughing, telling stories, playing darts, and smoking cigars. A few blocks away from her house C got a text and we figured it was her sending a last-word hysterical text. 

Instead it was a text from C's coworker T who I had met last week, along with T's partner J. When we went out that night I was thinking that C and I don't have many lezzie-couple friends, and that these 2 would be a great addition to our small circle. They were funny, they were in to fitness, unlike me they were both gainfully employes...perfect, right?

Back to the text...so T was asking if we were coming to the J's memorial. WTF?!? So we googled J thinking we must be misunderstanding the text. Nope. No misunderstanding. We're still unclear of the details other than J passed last week, and T is devastated..."heart-broken"...and our heart is aching for her...and we're hundreds of miles away and can only offer words and positive energy, and hope they are enough for now.

Moments like these, I realize how much of a control freak I am because I want so bad to make it better, but there's not a damn thing I can really do...except hold a space. And appreciate my own loved ones...and let them know how much they are appreciated.

Last Hurrah...at Least for Now...

Since exacerbating my shoulder a few weeks ago as well as having my hip get worse I was doubting my ability to ever throw again and had decided not to go to the Flagstaff games. I was depressed, I was sad, I was in a deep state or grief, which I was trying to stuff and focus on "taking care" of myself. After sending a text to someone about the games being over "for good" for me while sitting in the parking lot about to go into work I started sobbing. How could this be? How could I give up on something I love so much, on the new-found family I have become a part of? Once I was able to pull myself together I decided that I had to at least attend the Flagstaff games to have my Last Hurrah. The intention wasn't to place, or to get any PR's; just to be able to have my farewell to the games if this would indeed be my Last Hurrah. 

Another hitch in the situation is that there is a whole lot of boozing that goes on at the games, and usually my wife is there to help buffer the situation for me. This time, I would have to go solo. I was nervous about my sobriety (although I've been sober 18 years, I've been having a difficult time emotionally for a while and I have to be honest and say that fantasy's of drinking away my emotions have been fluttering by, but that is another blog). I let my fears eat my guts for a while, then I finally got the brilliant idea to talk to people. I talked to my wife, I talked to other friends I knew would be there and would support me if I just asked them to. And by talking,the fears and "secrets" lost their hold over me. 

And you know what? I had a really great time. It was wonderful stepping on the field and becoming the Bacon Socks Girl with the Bug Eyes. I don't quite know what comes over me when I compete, but I am able to access a part of myself that I have never known before, and who I haven't quite figured out how else to access. I like this chick; she's quirky, she's out-going, and dare I say, maybe even a little confident? That is what I have to give up if I have to give up throwing...unless I can figure out how else to get that chick to come out in play. Let's hope I can keep her via the Games...I'm game to find her in other ways, but I'm hoping I get to keep her in this capacity. She's dreamy!

not-so-bionic

I met with the surgeon today for my hip. I'll be getting surgery September 11 of all days. The surgeon isn't sure what all he'll have to do, but I can expect to be on crutches for at least 3 weeks...maybe more. Also set up an appointment to see if I'll need surgery on my left shoulder. Not a big fan of surgery, but not a fan of being in pain all fricking time.

Repairs and all, it looks like my throwing career is over. So now it's time to find a new hobby I can be passionate about. But first, there will be a grieving period to deal with. I'll let you know how that goes. or not.

love

            I grew up thinking I had no voice, and quite frankly the lesson I learned again and again was that I did indeed have no voice. This has been a tough lesson to unlearn. Even more difficult has been to learn that I do have a Voice. Part of the healing and moving on is recognizing the gifts of growing up with the perspective of not having a voice; I learned to listen instead of talk, to observe instead of act, to read peoples intent, to give others space To Be. But I have to admit that years of being quiet has left my soul hungry. Hungry to be heard, hungry to To Be, hungry for my own space, hungry embrace my True Self and have others embrace her as well, and hungry to be loved.

            I believe that my desire to be a Healer was influenced in part by my desire to have someone heal me. For years I searched for someone to "fix" me, which meant to love me enough that the hurt inside of me would go away. But no one could ever love me enough...in part because I wouldn't let them, and in part because I couldn't love myself.

Somewhere I learned that unconditional love had to start from within. And in addition to loving myself, I had to accept love freely and give freely of my love. That would be the full-circle of healing.
            Part of the lesson of loving myself, is knowing myself...seeing myself as I am rather than as the labels I have come to think of myself as. Seeing my True Self, and accepting and loving that self. Honoring who I am, and who I can be.

            I am not the child I was. I often forget that. More to the point I didn’t know for many years that I could be something different. I am someone new. I still don’t know exactly who that is but I am excited to find out. With each passing day I learn the lesson a little deeper that I don’t  have to live a life of suffering. I really can have more. And I want more. I need more. I didn’t come into this life to suffer, I came into this life to love and to be loved, but when I focus on pain and fear, it takes away from my capacity to feel love.

            I haven’t always known what I wanted. For years the screaming voice of fear told me that what I really wanted was to be alone. Just me and the bottle. But I know better now. Fear needs loneliness to survive, and fear shrivels in the light of love. If I don’t have time for love in my life, I don’t have time to live. I shall go forth and do that which creates love in my heart. Love; that is all that I need to do today.

million dollar thrower

So, it's been a while since I've posted a games update. A couple weeks ago I returned to Phoenix for my first Games since surgery (which was also the very first games I competed at)! I took 4th out of 6, which for me isn't bad, and more importantly I got 3 personal records (PRs). One in Hammers, which I've always struggled with, one in Sheaf, and one in WOB which is the event that sent me to surgery last year.

I'll have to throw the 28 pounder for Masters World Championships, which until last Sunday I hadn't picked up since I turned 40. I'm still pretty muscle sore, but I was able to make 8' without re-injuring myself, and I am happy as a little clam with that. I've still got a lot of work to do to make sure I keep myself in working order during competition, but I'm confident about the latter, and excited to compete with the world's best!

Recently my new MRI confirmed that I do indeed have a tear in my right hip labrum (to match the labral tears in both of my shoulders). My PT and I are hoping that physical therapy will give me enough relief not to have surgery, but it will take several months of therapy to determine that one, sooo...it's possible that I might be looking at hip surgery in the fall. I'm a bit...pessimistic about my prospects as the hip has gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, and I haven't been able to walk more than 1/2 a mile without excruciating pain since last fall. The interesting question is "why do I have labral tears in 3 of the 4 joints that have been MRIed?" Now I just need to find a good doctor who can answer that question. In the mean time, I'll keep training the best I can, and living the best I can, and laughing at every misstep along the way!

Since I've managed a few PRs since shoulder surgery, maybe getting a bionic hip would put me in the top ranks!