million dollar thrower

So, it's been a while since I've posted a games update. A couple weeks ago I returned to Phoenix for my first Games since surgery (which was also the very first games I competed at)! I took 4th out of 6, which for me isn't bad, and more importantly I got 3 personal records (PRs). One in Hammers, which I've always struggled with, one in Sheaf, and one in WOB which is the event that sent me to surgery last year.

I'll have to throw the 28 pounder for Masters World Championships, which until last Sunday I hadn't picked up since I turned 40. I'm still pretty muscle sore, but I was able to make 8' without re-injuring myself, and I am happy as a little clam with that. I've still got a lot of work to do to make sure I keep myself in working order during competition, but I'm confident about the latter, and excited to compete with the world's best!

Recently my new MRI confirmed that I do indeed have a tear in my right hip labrum (to match the labral tears in both of my shoulders). My PT and I are hoping that physical therapy will give me enough relief not to have surgery, but it will take several months of therapy to determine that one, sooo...it's possible that I might be looking at hip surgery in the fall. I'm a bit...pessimistic about my prospects as the hip has gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, and I haven't been able to walk more than 1/2 a mile without excruciating pain since last fall. The interesting question is "why do I have labral tears in 3 of the 4 joints that have been MRIed?" Now I just need to find a good doctor who can answer that question. In the mean time, I'll keep training the best I can, and living the best I can, and laughing at every misstep along the way!

Since I've managed a few PRs since shoulder surgery, maybe getting a bionic hip would put me in the top ranks!

The Spark

Last weekend i was able to stick around for an or so of highland games practice. I was able to do hammers (light), weight for distance (light), and stones. Hammer is the second scariest thing to me as a potential shoulder-re-injury activity, however; oddly enough, i had my second best throw of all time with my second toss of the 12# hammer. That gave me hope...hope of getting back to "normal", hope of competing, hope of being/feeling strong again.

Fear kicked in again after practice: "Will I be able to move tomorrow?", "Did I injure myself without realizing it?", "Will I have f'ed myself up for the next 3 weeks?" Alas, none of the above. Granted it hurt to laugh, or cough for a few days just from using muscles that haven't been used in many months, but I feel good. I had PT today and she was happy with my progress, enough so that we are going to start focusing more on core strengthening to help stabilize both shoulders and my funky hip rather than specifically the shoulder.

The last hurdle will be weight over bar, which was how the final injury which resulted in surgery happened. I know I'm not up for that one yet, and won't be for a while. We discussed band work, and kettle bell work that will happen in stages to develop the strength and stability to be able to do that one without further injury. 

So, to some things up, especially the things that haven't left my head yet; I am feeling pretty good about my prognosis. Reality is that I will be prone to re-injury so I will have to stay on top of training, regardless of whether or not I continue to throw, which quite frankly is a good motivator to stay in shape for the 2nd half of my life. In some ways, I think I'll be able to come back to training a better athlete as I won't be constantly plagued by and worried about minor injuries which will leave me more energy to focus on form and to be in the moment of my movement, and to be present in my body in a way that I haven't been...ever. 

This whole adventure isn't just about throwing heavy shit, it's about my own sense of pride, accomplishment, INNER strength. For whatever weird reason throwing has allowed me to access a part of my self that was buried under a mountain of rubble...a spontaneous, confident self that isn't constantly telling me that I need to be quiet and invisible. At the Santa Fe games a few years back when I spoke to Chuck about joining this motley crew, he had me talk to Patty R who told me that doing this had made her stronger, not just physically, but as a person I saw a spark in her eyes, a fire from deep within her core that I knew I wanted to be able to access as well...and by goddess, I have!

Atrophy. It's not just for breakfast anymore

Greetings Spider Friends! It's been a while since I've updated you on my shoulder progression, and today was a good day in PT so it seems like a good time to say, "you know, I'm really craving brownies." I'm also feeling a bit stronger...this weekend while recovering from the flu, I got a wild hair to start doing hangs from my chin-up bar...so i did...until my neck started to bother me. I was feeling kinda guilty going into PT having stepped over the Thou Shalt Not line, but after hearing Jen say "Hey your range of motion is looking really good" I got the last laugh! 

So what does this mean in the grand scheme of throwing heavy things? Well, I'm not sure exactly but what I do know; I have a long ways to go to restore medial rotation (hammer toss); I've still got a ways to got on general stability (I won't be hefting a 28 lb weight at masters this year); I can sleep without pain and do most "ordinary" activities without pain-which opens me up to hope of recovery; I can't do a pushup, but I don't really care, nor could I ever really do a decent pushup; as soon as I won't freeze my kilt off I can start some light practice; I still want brownies. 

And yes, I am a little all over the place tonight. I can assure you that mind is indeed a tangle of spastic tentacles. For some time I have struggled with my most recently chosen profession, and a recent series of somewhat related, somewhat unrelated events has gotten me to a level of stress that I am ready to walk away from my job. I am not sure if I will do that or not, but it is an option that is on the table...and if you've been keeping up with my ramblings, you are aware that my biggest stress reliever is throwing heavy shit, and I have not been throwing for several months now. So it is safe to say, I am having a bit of a stress overload. I have put out some energy and intention into the universe for some guidance and courage to move me onto a path that will provide joy and satisfaction, and now I have to trust that I will know the path when I come to it, and that i will be ok, no matter what in the mean time. Ah, faith...it is a muscle that I have let atrophy along with my anterior deltoid.

bla bla bla, and bla

Well, there has been a slight delay in my clinical trial (2 Tylenol instead of 3) as it seems that I'm not quite cleared for vacuuming yet. Oopsie. When I made my last posting, I was kinda thinking that maybe if Chuck brought out the super-light hammer, I might be able to swing it around a bit to test range of motion. That so isn't happening this weekend. But that is not to say that I'm not continuing to make progress. Almost every day there is a little thing I notice I can do that I haven't been able to do since before surgery-things like using a screw-driver, reaching for things, fake-punching people (that one I've missed the most). 

The PT said that the PHX games weren't out of the picture, but I'm still not up to strength training, so I have to be content with the little victories for now. But, I gotta tell ya, I miss feeling strong. I miss being able to carry boxes, heavy bags of groceries...lift more than a 5lb weight...and just FEEL strong. I miss putting on certain shirts that were once snug around the shoulders and arms because of my muscle mass, and are now loose, flaccid.

I'll be honest; I feel myself slipping toward that slippery edge of despair again. My body is achey, my body is weak, my body won't/can't do what I want it to do. Here we are at that nasty place of loss of control...of helplessness, which so easily, for me, turns into helplessness. I don't like that about myself, but at least for now, it is a truth that I have to admit about myself. I discourage easily, I feel helpless easily, I get overwhelmed easily...and having finished up a week of dealing with other peoples' endless crises, I'm not feeling like I have a whole lot left to give to myself. Right now I can't turn to throwing shit for rejuvenation, but I can turn to chocolate, but I can tell you that that isn't do much to help my physical fitness.

So, here we are at the end, time for my big finish where I find the silver lining, or process what I need to and find the answer that was circling the drain. And I don't have it just yet. Maybe the answer is just learning to Be in the moment. Learning to appreciate what I have in the moment. Yeah, mmmm, whatever. Nice thoughts, but I just ain't there right now. Remember when "ain't" wasn't a word. Back in the good old days when times were bad. Gotta love Dolly. Maybe that is my silver lining-things aren't nearly as f'ed up as they were 20 years ago. I have a loving wife, a HOME, great friends, a community of friends, HEALTH INSURANCE, I'm not sitting under a table half drunk with a gun to my head,  and I'm 1500 miles from my mother. See, things aren't so bad.

Hammer Time

First off, let me just say that I hate the new blogger format cuz I can't figure out what the hell I'm doing. Okay, done with that.

I vacuumed today. With my surgery-fied arm. The last few weeks I've been getting back to being able to do a lot of "normal" activities without discomfort. That more than anything gives me hope of getting back to the activities that I ENJOY.

And speaking of which, when I was doing some range of motion stretches tonight, I decided to swing the cane around to see how far from being able to do the hammer I am. Surprisingly, in spite of the difficulty I have reaching across my body, at least with a basically weightless cane I was able to do some pretty decent rotations. Granted with a weighted pole that was tractioning my shoulder, I wouldn't do quite as well, but again, I am gaining hope.

I've been at 3 acetaminophen at bed time for a few years now just to be able to sleep through shoulder pain. In the past I've tried going without to give my organs a break, but that always has meant being kept awake by pain. Tomorrow I'm going to try 2 pills....I'll let you know how that goes.

Peace out.

pimping the pit

One of my recent goals (officially written down) was to be able to use my right shoulder enough to put deodorant on the other pit without discomfort. Check that puppy off! (now aren't you glad i didn't post an accompanying picture?) The second half of that goal was to be able to raise my right arm high enough to effectively apply deodorant to the affected side-I still have some work to do there.

On the diet front, I'm eating too much chocolate, and I know it. And I also know that I am still unwilling to do anything about it as it is being utilized as a coping mechanism. On a positive note, I survived the wife's birthday without succumbing to wheat. Dairy is another story, but I am ok with that for now.

On a final note, I had a really stressful day. The day started out with me feeling like I was doing some good in my job, and ended with me feeling like I totally f'ed myself by getting into this profession. And that is all I have to say about that right now.

priming the pump

I love this photo. It was taken at my last competition, a couple weeks before surgery. I didn't throw worth a dang that day, but I had a great day, and that shot makes it look like I know what I'm doing!

I can report that I'm not in near as much of a funk as I have been. I did have a good night's sleep last night, and even slept in a bit...and I snuck into the gym yesterday. I was doing things that my PT had said we wouldn't do until my shoulder was more stable, but I paid attention to movement and to pain, and I think I did a good job of not creating any trauma while getting some more movement going, and starting to feel like I'm on my way back to recovery as opposed to just "undoing damage."

Diet-wise, I am working on getting back to a more solid grounding in Paleo. I will continue to have some cheats-like I am totally not willing to give up a chocolate (sugar), or honey in my coffee just yet, but I am restricting my sweetener to those two things. Also, before surgery I decided I was going to let myself have comfort foods...mainly grains...and it's been really hard to get off the "I'll cheat a little once in a while" jag which was really cheating at least weekly. I think I will allow myself a once a month sushi rice cheat, but no wheat, no oats, no corn, no way! (oh, and sorry Paleo Purists, I'm going to eat potatoes!)

It's time to start feeling better, and that requires action. So strap in kids, it's going to be a crazy ride!