I was just checking out TR's blog (that is my new morning coffee). Anyways she brought up the topic of FAT. What a powerful little 3-letter word that is...and how that little word does paralyze so many of us. I would like to think I have good self-esteem, but I don't. I pretend real hard to make it look like I do, like when I'm teaching women's self-defense and talkin' bout "empowerment" to my gals. But the truth is, I don't. And sooooo much of it is that 3-letter word. I grew up hearing about how fat I was every frakking day. At home, at school...there was no place else I went, so just those two places. By third grade or so I was trying to starve myself because I was so fat, but generally hunger won out, so I never lost any of my big-fat-ness.
Sadly, some number of years back, I was looking at the few pictures I have of myself as a kid, and for the first time I saw that I was not the big tub of lard I had seen myself in my mind as (mind you, I wasn't a waif either, but I certainly wasn't what I had pictured myself as either). Of course by then, I had given up on trying to live a lifestyle that would promote a healthy body weight and I had had some health issues that had helped to add on the pounds, so I had fulfilled the prophecy all on my own in adulthood.
To echo sentiments of TR, there are so many things that I don't do because of my body image...like change at the gym/shower at the gym, and I'm certainly never going to put on a bathing suite, which is ok, because I don't swim anyway. But whatever I do, there is always that thought at the back of my mind wondering "how fat do I look?" Frak this shit. Shut the hell up for the love of god, haven't you frakked up enough of my life? Go frak with some republican congressman who is sodomizing little boys!
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